I don't know what to do?

Question

I don't know what to do? I recently just lost my husband, and my kids lost a father. I have 7 kids and they don't get along now. One of my kids never talks to anyone anymore. another one is always on the computer talking to people but never to me. Another one always wants to be alone. Then the rest of them just wants to leave this world. How can i stop this? I don't know what to do. I tried getting help by different people that help children. But everytime my kids hear that help is coming over. The kids run away. They don't want me to get help by people outside for some reason. What can i do? My kids don't act the same as they did before. before they would never do any of this, but now they do it everyday. What could be wrong with them? One of my kids has asthma, but he keeps forgetting to take his inhaler wherever he goes. This happens pretty much everyday. I'm scared that something is going to happen to him and i won't know about it. Thanks to all those who help.

Answer 1

Call your GP and get a referral to a good family counselor asap. Don't tell the kids about it. They don't need to know till the time it comes to walk thru that door. Maybe a grief counslor as well. It may be a lot fo fighting but they are your kids and I am sure you'd do anything to get them help. Talk to your GP to get the ball rolling.

Answer 2

You can only do the best you can do, and they will survive. Many people have lost a parent in childhood and it is a pain they can never forget and which does help shape them, but it doesn't destroy their lives. The grief kind of tears down the structure of their childhood and they then rebuild as they grow into adulthood. They will grieve for a long time, and it will affect their behavior. The official normal "stages of grief", which last for a different amount of time in each person, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Probably each of your kids is in one of the 1st 4 stages now, and none have moved on to acceptance yet. It would be hard to guide even 1 or 2 children through a grief like this, and with 7 it is just impossible for you to micromanage their lives. My advice is to focus on their safety. The issues you need to focus on are the asthma inhaler issue, any real threat of suicide, the online chatting (limit and monitor so this child is not exploited), and other such issues that are an immediate threat to your children's well being. Also take a good hard look at the roles you and your husband played in the family. I had a friend with 3 kids lose her husband a few years ago, and her biggest problem was that she was always the soft parent and he the disciplinarian, so without him the family sort of fell apart because the kids had no respect, started staying up all night and bringing drugs in the house, etc. If she said anything they would yell at her and she backed off. If your husband had a special role, that you really did not have to share in while he was alive, you might need to try hard to bring some of what he had back into the kids' lives. Otherwise, just focus on their safety and keep them alive, and they will have time to work through their grief. Things will get better very, very slowly. I am sorry about your husband and wish you blessings.

Answer 3

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I've never been in your situation, so I can't even imagine what it's like. I did, however, go through a messy divorce several years ago. My 4 kids were all traumatized, one acted out by being angry at the world and his siblings, others were sad. The point is, that was NOTHING compared to the actual death of a parent and mine still had a very difficult time. Kids will act out in all kinds of strange ways when they are dealing with a major tragedy. ALL OF YOU need family counseling. Look in the phonebook or call your church. Almost all towns have resources for family counseling, especially dealing with grief. They all have options for people without medical insurance or low income, so that you can get help no matter your financial status. This is VERY IMPORTANT TO DO. You and your children need professional help. Just load them all up in the car- tell them you're going for pizza and go to a counselor- then pizza afterwards. Do whatever you have to!! Good luck and God Bless!

Answer 4

Oh hun I'm so sorry for your loss. What can you do you might ask,my sister inlaw lost her husband in violent crime,her kids lost their daddy it was all over the news.Her kids were messed up,she was a wreck. They did some weird things,things I could never understand,I've never lost someone. But it's been almost 7 years now...she has a new man in her life,kids are older and the problems just healed with time. Have a family meeting,stand with a nice glass of wine in hand and tell your children you will not be seeking outside help anymore,but if they want it,you will see they get it.If you have young children I recommend 'play therapy' Tell them you are sorry for their loss and understand their pain (don't make it about you,I know it's hard) tell them you can accept their crazy behavoiur if they can remember you are all still "a family" tell them it's ok to get angary to yell and scream,to tell the world they are mad. As long as they can understand and accept space and responsibilities.
In the end only time will heal.I can tell you it will get easier,stay strong within yourself as a woman,seek support for yourself through meditation and supportgroups.

Answer 5

Each one is dealing with grief in their own way.
Consider taking them to seperate counselors if necessary without letting the other children know what is happening. Find someone they can open up too and eventually it will sort itself out.
It is not easy to lose someone you love and to grasp the concept of death at an early age isn't easy.
Perhaps they are afraid to talk to you because they believe it would just cause you more pain and grief.
Grief is a painful and sometimes long process.
Love them, care for them and most of all take care of yourself.

Answer 6

Everyone handles grief in a different way. Just continue to love them... sit them down and talk to them letting them know that you are there for them should they need to talk about it. This will probably go on for 6 months... in different stages, loss...anger...sadness...etc. I went through it... all you can do is pray that they don't become self destructive. They have to be told that death, unfortunately is a part of life. And, there's nothing that can be done about it other than to address their feelings. They also have to pull together as a family team and support each other.

Answer 7

You really need an outside person to come in and do some counseling, I see you have tried, its not easy when you have lost a love one, I myself lost my wife and what I did was turn to God and did a lot of praying, that helped me a lot.
Also you may want to turn to the church and get some spiritual guidance.
Turning to God is the best I can think of, He really do's answers prayers. Try it and I will be praying for you too. God Bless,
Dave

Answer 8

well Laura im sorry for your loss and maybe you should just be there if they need you and just give them some time to sort out their problems im sure they are going thru some bad times too and they will come around but the key is to take care of you cause there will come a time they all will need you to talk too so good luck and im on messenger and my email is open if you need a friend xoxox take care ps..... how old are all of your children??

Answer 9

your kids really need help maybe you can ask a pastor to help you and do not tell your kids or may be a school counselor some one need to help you ..... sorry for your lose hope your kids get help soon

Answer 10

GOD IS THE ONLY SOLUTION IN THIS KIND OF CRISIS. LOOK UP TO HIM AND HE WIIL HELP YOU. HE CAN GIVE YOU WISDOM TO GO ABOUT THIS PROBLEM IF YOU ASK HIM. YOU CAN TALK TO YOUR PASTOR AND THE CHURCH WILL HELP YOU AND PRAY ABOUT IT. I TOO WILL ALWAYS REMEBER YOU IN MY PRAYERS. DON'T WORRY, IT IS WELL. GOD WLL DO TI.