My daughter is 21 and has 2 drug addict boyfriends she will lived with one for 4 yaers he beat here and did drugs she broke up and moved in with another for 4 months he was drunk and drug addict broke up with him and went back with first one.she dosent work dosent have a car .she thinks I should help her.I say help your self and I will help you.what do you think?
2006-10-19 02:20:32 · 26 answers · asked by Jojo 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Whoever said that it was too late is wrong. I used to be one of those out of control kids. I'm only 24 now but I'm married to a good Christian mand and we have two beautiful children. my dad was hard on me and it only drove me farther away. He finally let me know that he loved me but he just couldn't help me until I was ready to help myself. He completely cut me off, financially and emotionally. It was hard for him, but it worked. You should pray for her...Jesus Christ is the only One who can fix these kinds of things completely. Things will turn around. I don't know you but you and your daughter will have my prayers.
2006-10-19 03:29:46 · answer #1 · answered by Kristin D 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I've read the suggestions and although sincere I KNOW what
You need to do for youself, for her.
I've had 40 years of off and on, 5 years off, 5 years clean, I've spent years and years dealing with drug addiction.
I am and will always be a drug addict. i've now been clean and sober for 10 years.
You need support, not advice. NARANON is like ALANON.
a support group for those living with a drug addict, alcoholic.
There you'll find people of all races, backgrounds, educational dealing with the same problem.
The meet once or twice a week. There is a Naranon hotline available if you want to speak to one who's lived your situation.
I don't have the the time right now to get into the details. But remember this...it takes one to know one.
Google is filled with all the information of the dangerious effects of the drugs. My drug of choice was methamphetamine.
Doctors, the Non-Drug addicts do not have clue of the thinking a reall hard core drug addict is.
Telling a drug addice they are killing themselves has little effect.
Go to NARANON, Call their hotline.
Have a nikce day.....but get the help you need form the source.
Other's who live daily and who have survived the pains you live with.
Hope this helps you.
2006-10-19 03:50:47 · answer #2 · answered by iamagoodoboy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do not help her unless it is life threatening. She will grow up someday; it is the least you can hope. I was just like her and did not change till I was almost 30. Now am clean and own 1/2 million dollar home at 40. When I was 21 I was my parent's worst nightmare. It takes a lot of hard knocks to get off the track she is on. It took a few years in prison for me. If you soften the bumps for her she will never know the pain she will one day have to experience to turn her around. Good Luck.
2006-10-19 02:40:55 · answer #3 · answered by tbear 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take your hands off it - emotionally, physically - completely!
Look after yourself, please dont get involved in her story AT ALL! Get some support for yourself - I sense this is driving you round and round in a destructive circle which is serving no one, especially you.
I am the woman of an alcoholic father who I love very much, but after over 30 years of trying to make a difference, it dawned on me that its not my fault and not my problem. You didnt cause it, you can't cure it, so let it go. Love your daughter anyway, but don't involve yourself - HOWEVER painful it looks on the outside.
Try al-anon (part of AA I think) which is an organisation for supporting people like yourself who are involved with people dealing with addictions or who are in addictive relationships.
Tell your daughter you are always going to love her no matter what and focus your conversation with her on all the great things about her - NEVER mention the drugs or the bad boyfriends. State that you are going to ensure that you take of yourself first and that you will always be here should she want your help.
A book that really helped me make a breakthrough was Codependent no More by Melody Beattie! Also try listening to Dr Wayne Dyer on Hay House radio as is an amazing author and has gone through this with his own daughter!
Peace be with you - you'll be fine.
2006-10-19 02:35:30 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell her what you want and expect from her. Give her a little time to decide and then if you don't see a change.....cut her loose and cut her off. She is an adult and needs to make her own decisions. You on the other hand do not need to blame yourself or enable her. Tough Love works. I had to do it with my own daughter and now she is a good and loving person (totally turned around). It was hard to cut her off and watch her suffer, but it gave her a blast of reality and she started making better choices. It doesn't always work out, but at least you aren't there to help her drown in the wrong choices. At some point you just have to let go and let them swim on their own.
2006-10-19 02:32:19 · answer #5 · answered by MrsMike 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that if your daughter really wants your help and your help would prevent her from being with these men, then you should help her! However, if she chooses this life style and only wants you to enable her to continue living it, then you need to back away!
She probably thinks she can help these men become better people. She wants to be their savior, and it is flattering toher to believe that she can do that. Reality is---SHE CAN'T!! In fact, what will happen instead is, she will end up sinking into that lifestyle with them. You are her mom and she needs to know that you love her and that you are there for her. Give her a safe place to turn in the event she wants to get away from the abusive situation she is in. If you turn your back completely, she will stay with them out of desperation.
It sounds tome like that is what is going on already. She has no home, he has no mode of transportation, or a job to be able to provide any of those things for herself. She needs these men to take care of her-or so she thinks. She may be 21, but if she is in trouble, it is your responsibility to help her. You need to teach her how to empower herself. You have to believe in her!!! If you can't, why should she believe in herself! Help her find a job, let her live with you, assist her in every way possible. When she becomes independent and empowered, she will not want those kind of men in her life!! Good luck!
2006-10-19 04:05:45 · answer #6 · answered by Kailey 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You didnt really give enough information,like does she do drugs also, does she have child(ren), but in general I think an adult child should only be asking you for help in extreme circumstances. I mean she is probably asking for money right? You can help in a different way such as paying her rent or a bill for her then the money cant be misused. Since she doesnt have a car is bus service available maybe you could help with bus pass.
2006-10-19 02:44:42 · answer #7 · answered by elaeblue 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was there at the same age.......I was doing the exact same thing. It sucked. 2 help me my parents sent me 2 live with my grandparents. They live in a small country town. I did not no any1 except my grandparents. They cleaned me up. It was really hard 4 me at 1st. I hated every1 and the world and everything in it BUT after 3mths of solid counselling and being sent away from it all I came thru. If it had not been 4 my grandparents I would b dead now or in jail. I have since travelled, gotten married and just had my 3rd child. I love the world and every1 in it. B there 4 Ur daughter, don't support her problem BUT help her by being there. My parents almost disowned me.......that made me really mad cause I was crying out 4 help from them, they just did not c it. Good Luck, hang in there..........e-mail me if u want more advice. Being there I no wot u r going thru.
2006-10-19 02:31:58 · answer #8 · answered by bammbamm 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At 21 she may not want to listen to u at all, but never give up... she may think that itz her life and u can't tell her what to do with it.. the only thing u can do right now is give her some advise.. tell her what u think about her relationships.. (let her no that you're not judging her)... try letting her know that you still care for her and you're willing to help her as long as she wants it and starts making a change...let her know that she has to show that she's trying to change and help herself before u will help her...because u cant make her do what she don't want too....
good luck...i hope this helps u someway...
2006-10-19 03:09:48 · answer #9 · answered by sweety 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would suggest getting the family together and calling an intervention specialist. We did an intervention for my brother in law, who is a drunk. We all told him how much we loved him, cared for him...etc, but we gave him concequenses if he didn't get help. Sad to say for us, he just told us all the F off and now we have separate holidays...etc. He isn't drinking as much (wow), and my MIL thinks we should give in to our consequenses because it's the holiday (she does this every year) so that we can all be togther as a family. But, I wouldn't help her monitarely...if she needs toilet paper / groceries...I would just go out and buy those things. If you give her money, you know it's more than likely not going towards toilet paper / groceries...etc.
Good luck! Addiction is a hard thing to come over!
2006-10-19 03:11:36 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You said the right thing, cause if she doesn't want to be helped all of your efort will be for nothing. She has to decide first that she really wants to change . And if she chooses that life then it will be tough love , cause you will have to let her go and make her own mistakes, Tough love cause it is going to hurt you but, you have to let her make her own mistakes, it will be hard to do but, I am hopeing she wants to change cause she is young and has her whole life ahead of her. Once she decides whe wants your help you will need to show her all your LOVE cause she will need it also from family. So she know someone else besides these two loosers Love her and that she is worth alot more.
Good Luck hope everything works out well
2006-10-19 02:27:44 · answer #11 · answered by Solitaire 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋