Help! My family thinks my bf is a pedophile?

Question

I started dating my bf when I was 16 yrs old and he was 20,I am now 19 and he is 23,and my family thinks just cause he started dating me when I was only 16 that he is a pedophile but I kno that hes not like that at all,but it still bothers me and makes my bf uncomfortable around my family

Answer 1

He isn't a pedophile, but he did commit a crime if he was sexual with you when you were under age.

I wonder how he treats you now. Is he respectful? Does he support your independence and growth as a separate individual, as well as a partner to him? There are many other questions regarding whether your relationship is a healthy one for you.

You're both still young. Your brains won't even be completely developed until age 25, and men usually mature at least two years later than women.

If yours is a healthy, functional relationship for both of you, then what's the problem?

What does your family base their objection to him on, besides the age difference? Is there a valid reason?

If not, this may be a case of normal separation of a young adult (you) from (possibly overprotective) parents. It is the developmental job of a young adult, beginning in adolescence, to separate from the parents and learn to function as an adult in the world. It works best if the parents can be supportive and teach the adult child how to take care of her- or himself in the wider adult world.

If there is a valid reason for their concern, then you need to pay attention to it and allow them to help you decide on a course of action.

Finally, and most importantly, what is your parents' relationship like? Are they loving, respectful, encouraging and supportive of each other? If not, they are probably not the best persons to tell/show you how to relate to a life partner.

Despite their determination, sometimes, to do otherwise, people usually will recreate their family of origin in their own relationships because THAT'S WHAT THEY KNOW HOW TO DO. Hopefully, your parents do have a good relationship which will be a good one to pattern your own after.

You can always go to a wise older person or counselor for advice in these matters. But it has to be someone who really knows what they're talking about, preferably someone who's trained in counseling.

Answer 2

Technically, he was a pedophile when you started dating. No self respecting MAN (and that was what he was since he was 20) would date an impressionable teenager (what you were at 16) unless he has some issues that he hasn't resolved. Coudn't get a date with women his own age?!? This is just my opinion, and I am by no means trying to trash you at all, you were the child in that relationship and HE should have known better. If he was in too you that much, then he could have waited two years until you turned 18 to begin a relationship. . .I just want to give you some advice. . .if he started dating you and was interested in you at such a young age, be alert that he may really be interested in younger women and as you get older you might be replaced. You need to look out for yourself, because he may not have your best interest at heart. I am only telling you this because I was in a similar situation when I was 16 with a twenty-something man and he had no business starting a relationship with me. It was only years later that I realized the error of my ways. . .but I was the child, and shame on him. . .

Answer 3

A 20 yr old with a 16 yr old does not make him a pedophile. He was committing statutory rape if you had sex. Even if you agreed to it. At 20, he was still not at your level of maturity at 16, as girls mature faster then boys. I don't see anything wrong with the age difference at these ages.
A pedophile is guilty of having sex with someone that is alot younger than 16 and considered a child.
If you and he are still together after all these years, your family needs to get over it. He has proved he will stand by you and you both need to talk with his family. Together. If they can't see you're point then, they are just stubborn. Can't force them to believe something they don't want to.
Good luck

Answer 4

Personally i'd tell my family to respectfully butt out. Now that you're and adult..
16-17 is the age of consent in most states and 18 in a select few.
And besides a 20 year old dating a 16 year old though it is a bit of an age gap..it hardly qualifies someone as a pedophile.
Pedophiles are people looking for young children.. not someone who's probably already physically developed .

Answer 5

If the only reason they think this is because of your four years difference in age, it seems a bit extreme. Do they have other reasons for suspicion? Parents want their daughters cared for and respected. Does he stand you up for dates? Ask you to pay your own way? Or is there some other problem?

Whether there is or not, talk to your family without your bf present, often. Tell them how he treats you. Let them know about him from your perspective. It may make all the difference in their acceptance. At worst you'll have a better understanding of where they're coming from.

Answer 6

If you guys are still together after all this time (and you are now LEGAL) you should talk to your family about how this makes you feel. They will understand if you tell them how important this man is to you. I will admit though that when I was 20 years old I would've never dated a 16 year old -- bizarre.

Answer 7

pedophile, no way! when my husband and i started dating i was 16 and a month after he became my bf he turned 21. i say tell them to mind there own business. you can bet if you were 30 and he 34 they wouldn't think twice. i think they just don't like him and need some way of trying to come between the 2 of you.

Answer 8

That was their first impression of him, & now it will be difficult to change their minds. I am afraid that I am of the same mind as your family. A 20yo Man has no business with a 16yo girl.

Now that you are 19, & he's 23, that's OK, But that's not how you started out now is it!

Answer 9

they are in their right to think that. When you were 16 you should have been a sophmore or junior in highschool, he should have been a junior maybe even senior in college? Its like "What do they have in common" They just see him as an older guy taking advantage if a young girl since we are all naive at that age? I mean he couldnt find someone his own age?

However since you guys lasted this long....your people should get over it, since obvioulsy he has real feelings for you. If he did not it would not have lasted this long. Your famliy need to get over, if they cant you need to disnatce yourself. You are grown now, you need to make your own decisions and find your own happiness. Youve found it in him, so dont let it go.

Answer 10

u have to explain to them what a pedophile is then: it's an adult with a sexual desire for children (a child is somewhere between the age of 3 and 12)