my 3 year old son will not stop spitting?

Question

my three year old son has some nasty little habits that i would like to solve before i have our new baby , he will not stop spitting he thinks it is fun i have punished him for it put him in his room. time out took away toys threatend soap but that normaly with stop him for the time being . also its so hard he is afraid to be alone at night he says he is scared , and when i ask him what he is scared about he says the spooky men outside, i try to tell him that therers nobody out there . he always ends up in my bed or else i have to lie with him in his bed till he falls asleep. and i dont know how im going to handle that once the new baby arives.

Answer 1

If this is a relatively new behavior, it may be because he knows that there is a new baby coming. If it's consuming your attention, then he must have some way to put himself on center stage again.

When a child feels as if he is not receiving enough attention, he will take any form that he can get, even if it's punishment. Setting aside times for daily activities with you will work wonders sometimes. If you consistently offer opportunities for him to express himself through crafts, music, stories, just any one on one time, he won't feel that it's necessary to misbehave to get attention.

I have a 2 and a half year old, and sometimes find myself saying "No, no, don't do this, don't touch that" and it makes me very frustrated to hear myself using only negativity. We've been using time out since he was 18 months old, and the spitting has definitely stopped. When you get frustrated, he will sense that, and the behavior will not stop. It gets a rise out of you, and you give him attention. If you use time out appropriately, giving him absolutely no attention, he will soon learn that misbehaving will not get him attention; it will do the opposite. If you're engaged in an activity and your son is involved, he won't want to stop to have to go to time out, so he won't misbehave as much.

A new baby can be a very difficult thing for a 3 year old to handle. Some consistent positive attention should do the trick. If negative attention is the only kind he can count on, he'll take advantage of it.

Our son has never been afraid of anything outside, but he was waking up after bad dreams. We told our son that there was nothing to be afraid of, that dreams weren't real. We bought him a big "magical" Spiderman who chases away bad dreams, sending them into the sky and trapping them so they never come back. We haven't had a problem since. Sometimes you have to be creative. If your toddler feels he isn't getting enough attention, waking up to be with you at night may be a symptom. Getting up and sneaking into your bed at night is definitely an issue you need to face before the new baby comes along. Make a big deal about him having his own special bed, maybe buy him a sheet or pillowcase with his favorite character. I told my son that his Meow Kitty (stuffed cat he sleeps with) needs him to be in the bed so he (Meow Kitty) won't get cold or scared.

Some helpful links:
Preparing a toddler for a new baby: http://babyparenting.about.com/od/training/a/toddlernewbaby.htm

This is a long page about discipline, but there's a link called "Proper use of time out" that you can check out to see what the most effective methods are.
http://www.thesuccessfulparent.com/articles/discipline.htm#three

Bedtime problems: (I think the flashlight idea is great!)
http://toddlerstoday.com/resources/articles/sleepproblems.htm

Answer 2

I agree with making special time with your son so he doesn't feel threatened by the new baby taking away your attention. When my son was born, my daughter was 1 and most friends and family members would bring her a little something when they came to see the baby with a gift. Everyone congratulated her on being a big sister and made a big fuss over how important her new position in the family was. She was very excited about being a big sister. I also got her very involved in helping with the new baby. Perhaps your son could help with some of the preparations. Let him know how invaluable his help is. He can help pick out crib bedding or a special toy he can give when his new sibbling arrives.

As far as the spooky men are concerned, I would definitely get him a night light. Maybe have him lock up with you before he goes to bed. Check all the doors, lock his windows, etc. Don't be so quick to dismiss his fears out of hand, though. When I was little, we lived on a corner lot. The street light on the corner would cast very strange shaddows in my room at night. It was very spooky. Then there were sounds I didn't understand. Cats or raccoons squabbling or yeowling. At one time we had squirrels in the attic and for weeks I thought something was trying to claw it's way through my ceiling! My parents thought I was imagining things until they finally heard it for themselves.

Rather than banishing him to his room when he's frightened, maybe you could keep a toddler size mattress under your bed. Then if he needs to be near you, he can pull that out and sleep on the floor next to you. I have 3 kids of my own now, but I still remember quite clearly how awful it was to lay in bed, alone and scared of all the sights and sounds I didn't understand. I'm afraid of the dark to this day and have night lights all over the house! It sounds silly, but I can't help but wonder if it would be different had my parents had been a little more understanding when I was small. Good luck!

Answer 3

He is definitely trying to find ways to get your attention, be it positive or negative, it’s still attention. He is also trying to feel powerful. This will only get worse after the baby arrives. Start now by helping him to feel powerful and give positive attention. Say things like “You did that by yourself!” “Look how high you can climb!” “You ran super fast!” “You used so many colors on you picture!” These intrinsic motivators are much more effective than extrinsic rewards (“Good job!”, stickers, candy). These phrases will help him to feel very confident, powerful, and are great ways to show attention.

For the spitting, do not use soap or hot sauce! What will work best is if you give him a place where he can spit. When he spits, take him gently to the bathroom, point to the toilet and say “You can spit here. When you’re finished spitting then you can come out.” Give it no more attention than that. If he is not getting attention for the behavior, he will lose interest.

Children at that age have a difficult time separating truth from reality. He really believes that there are “spooky men” and you won’t be able to convince him otherwise. For the spooky men, I suggest you make some “spooky men” spray. Get a spray bottle and fill it with water and a few drops of lavender oil (it has a calming effect). Before bedtime, go through his room and have him spray the “spooky men” spray. You may also take him to a toy store and pick out a stuffed animal with a specific color. Tell him “Spooky men do not like “red.” When they see red they run away.” You may also want to rearrange him room and have him help. It sometimes helps to change thing up. Keep a consistent routine with him before bed (take a bath, read 1 or 2 books, kisses and goodnight). When he comes out of his room, take him back and say “Time for bed.” Keep returning him to bed when he gets out. Don’t stay with him or he will expect it. You may have to return him several times before he stays. After a few tries (or several days) he will learn that you mean business.

Before the baby arrives, get him a “Big brother” shirt. Let him wear it out in public. People will say to him “You’re a big brother!” He will begin to feel proud. If he is going to be at home when the baby arrives, don’t carry the baby inside. Leave the baby in the car (supervised of course) and go get your son. Tell him “Let’s go get your (brother/sister).” It will be much easier on him this way.

Make sure you give him lots of extra love and attention after the baby’s arrival. When the baby is sleeping, read him a story, do an art project together, have him help you make a snack or prepare dinner. Also, have him help you with the baby. He can pick out the baby’s outfit, sing to the baby, get the bath wash for the baby’s bath. He will feel proud to help and feel proud to be a big brother. Hope this helps! Good luck to you and congratulations!

Answer 4

I spend a lot of quality time with my 3 year old and he spits also. I think they are testing their boundaries. My son also started this behavior while I was pregnant and when we brought his brother home it got worse. I tried everything you did and more. The thing that stopped the boogie man was simple. I bought a spray bottle and filled it with water and when he started crying I would go into his room with the bottle and exterminate the boogie men. But what ever you do don't ever forget to take the bottle out of his room!!!!! My son opened the top and made a fine mess. But it worked. Every now and then I have to spray the boogie men, but not near as often. Good luck!

Answer 5

The wooden spoon always worked wonders on us, I come from a house of 4 kids. It doesn't even have to hurt, as long as you make a big deal of it. Generally it's the idea of the thing that's worse than the slight tap on the bottom. And the beauty is that once you imbue the words "wooden spoon" with this sort of mythical power, you probably won't ever have to pick it up again.

Or it could be that the kid is just 3 and going through a phase, or is having trouble with the thought of sharing your attention with a sibling. If this is the case, repeated explanation and reasoning will eventually go through.

Answer 6

Both of these behaviors are probably just phases he's going through right now. Kids discover that spitting is fun, so they do it. All you can do, I think, is keep telling him not to do it. You can tell him people will think he's spreading germs or you could say, "You know, if people see that you spit they're not going to want you to play with their little boy". Eventually, he will stop. You just have to say it every time he does it. You can also add, "If you spit I'm not going to buy you 'bla bla' when we go grocery shopping."

I remember going through my own phase of being afraid of men outside the house. I remember imagining shadowy men in evil-looking hats being out in the dark outside the house, and I was terrified that they would climb up the big tree near my bedroom window and get in the house. I'm fairly certain that this is a standard fear kids have when they're little. It usually happens when kids get into bed and start thinking up stuff to worry about.

Kids fears tend to come one at a time. A three-year-old has heard about "burglars" but doesn't quite know what they are - only that they're people. A five-year-old will get on the thing about being afraid his mother is dead when she's asleep. A nine-year-old may be afraid of lightning. Their fears come when they reach an age and become aware that something exists but aren't quite informed enough to be able to put it in perspective or otherwise not see what they're afraid of as "so big".

Maybe when the baby comes your little boy won't feel so alone. Right now he's the only little child in the house. That, alone, can make a child feel very alone.

If you let him not be alone right now while he's afraid he'll learn that if he's afraid he always has you to go to. Maybe in the not so distant future (for example, when he gets to be four) he'll stop thinking about what is or isn't outside the house. In the meantime, if it helps let him leave his bedroom light on until he falls asleep or let him bring some books into bed with him until he's tired. You could even try setting up a DVD player in his room and put pleasant children's programs on with the volume down low. (I know this goes against what some experts would tell you to do, but I also know that one cure for imagining up scary stuff is by eliminating that "brainstorming" time children often have because they aren't quite tired enough to go to sleep. I used to let my pre-schooler fall asleep on a sleeping bag in the living room and carry him into bed later in order to get through this type of phase. It passed, as most phases do, and he would then just go to bed like everyone else does.)

Parents often get worried that if their child is doing something he'll do it forever. That's generally not how it works. They all go through stuff (and a lot of them go through the exact same stuff around the same age), and it passes - only to be replaced by the next thing.

Answer 7

I'm not a child expert but maybe if you engage in more positive activities with him, such as having him help you bake and decorate cupcakes, he'll feel less inclined to spit because he's getting attention from you without spitting. I'll bet he's worried that a new baby is coming and he'll lose his status so he's making a bid for your attention. I'm sure you give him pleanty already but baking cupcakes is special attention which he'll probably really value.

Answer 8

get him a night light for his room and tell him there are no such thing as spooky men with the spitting i would make him blow bubbles (as in soap) you have warned him now its time to enforce do not threaten anything you can't do because it will bite you in the behind in the end

Answer 9

Yup, soap or hot sauce sound good. if he wants to spit, he may as well have a reason.
I suppose if you have a scary mask on when he sneaks into bed he may want to stay in his own room at night.

Answer 10

Trust me, I am not a horrible mother. I think a horrible mother would put soap in his mouth which is dangerous to his health. I found the best remedy for back talkers, spitters, and bad word doers, is HOT SAUCE! It works, usually the first time too.