family member could be really sick and fiance drinking again.it almost killed him less than 2 years ago.alcholic sorossis of the liver.Im afraid he will kill himself,hes not supposed to drink.and so worried about family members biopsy she doesnt deserve bad things.Im not sure how to deal. as for alchie. i have talked all i can i have given ultimatums i have cryed begged gotten super angry. i love him,hes not violent when he drinks i cant leave him.what can i do now.
2006-10-18 16:34:46 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Health ➔ Mental Health
Whoa!!!! One thing at a time.
Concentrate on the sick family member. Let that person know you are there for him/her, that you are praying (if you are) or they are always in your thoughts. That person you CAN help at least feel a little better.Your fiance is beyond that kind of help.
I am a recovering alcoholic, clean and sober for several years. The only thing you can do to help your fiance is to help yourself and STOP trying to help him. This is not the first time you have heard this, right? I am sure that people have told you that you are probably enabling him, am I corrrect? Has he gone to AA? Is he still going? (probably not, or he wouldn't be drinking). Have you gone tp Al Anon? and are you still going ? My guess is he has been to detoxes and rehabs. And he still drinks, even though he knows he is killing himself. Fear , threats, self control - none of these will stop his drinking. And neither can you. You have absolutely no power over his alcoholism. And until you believe that, your life will be miserable.
All I can suggest for you is to go to Al Anon daily until it starts to make sense, and keep going. The only person you can help in this situation is yourself. This includes overcoming your own denial. You said he is not violent. He doesn't hit you, but I'd bet my last dollar he is verbally and emotionally violent towards you.
I see a lot of good sense and compassion from the responses to you plea. We do not know you personally, and yet we do because we are all in this life together. We love you and will keep loving you till you can learn to really love yourself. I know what I have said is upsetting. I pray for you the courage to do what yu know you need to do..
2006-10-18 17:14:19 · answer #1 · answered by bob h 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's your fiance's choice and unfortunately you cannot stop him. You can tell him you understand his fear about the loved one's illness and that there are other ways to deal with it. I'm sure the ill family member doesn't want to see him drink himself to death and it might help him stop if you pointed that out. You can't give him ultimatums that you don't carry out. He'll never believe you in the future.. If you can't get him to help himself, you need to consider Al-anon to help you with your feelings. And I'm sorry, but you can't stop cancer either and you can't stop bad things from happening to good people. You are a very sensitive and caring person but all you can really do is be there for those you love, including yourself.
2006-10-18 23:55:43 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello There
The whole thing is a very real and scarey thing. My husband drinks A LOT his whole side the family does and none of them are nice " drunks " by any means. My husband has been violent during these " drinking binges " and what not. We are seperated right now so that maybe he will see the family that he's missing out on. I love him too. But this self destructive mode he's in must not be in my home. I have children to protect and they don't need to see their father in this way. I don't want them to grow up like him in pain and confused about themselves. It wouldn't be fair to them. You cannot do anything for him or his illnesses. He must come to grips with himself. Love his family and himself. He needs to get up and walk through the doors of a treatment center and begin his and your new life. But saddly it's up to him. And he won't listen to anyone not even you i'm sorry to say, It's really hard to watch someone you love self distruct and go lower and lower into their own hell with you being dragged down with him. He has to wake up and see what's going on around him and to see his own pain and become strong, I feel for you deeply and will keep you in my thoughts. Good luck I truly wish you luck,
Wildcat
2006-10-19 00:01:01 · answer #3 · answered by marieskye35 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
personally dealt with this many times with friends. All i can say is Try an intervention, with all family and friends there that have noticed the behavior and are concerned. I know personally that it may not work, no one changes unless they want to, and no one stops drinking unless they want to. Don't give up, tell that person how concerned you are and keep telling them, they may pull away it's just cause they are scared to realize what's going on. I know my ex never realized how bad he was until i left him and didn't go back!!!. that's when it actually sunk in that oh my god maybe there's something wrong. and that was after his friends, family and i tried to talk and yell at him about it. Be there to support him, ask family members to help, Best friends are great to have around, and perhaps get an doctor that specailizes in alcohol abuse to answer all your questions, and concerns and have them also help in this. You are going to need so much support just to do this, and he is also going to need support. let me know if you have any other questions. like i said i've dealt with it many times before. just contact me at dwawna@hotmail.com
good luck. later
2006-10-19 00:01:30 · answer #4 · answered by dwawna 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
since you can't really do much for the family member...stay strong. things will happen the way they are sposed to and you have to believe that there is a reason for all of this. its sad but life goes on...i lost my dad...i know. i miss him everyday. one day he joked with me when i was being a brat to him and wouldn't talk to him because i was mad...that someday i would pay every last dime i had to talk to him again. he was joking...and now its not a joke because he is dead. about the alchie....my mother is one. dad put up with it and was a gentleman. get some hobbies, go to movies....take care of yourself. when all these people are gone because their lives ended either due to their own negligence or something they couldn't prevent...you will still be here. make sure that when that happens you are ok emotionally and physically. the world is full of people who would love to help you...find one!
2006-10-18 23:47:56 · answer #5 · answered by igot_terminal_uniqueness 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh dear !!! what a sad situation. I am sorry to know about your family member going through a bad time health wise as well as your fiance's alcoholic problem.
For you fiancee you may have to seek professional help from associations like alcoholic anonymous as he is addicted to alcohol and simple talking/begging/being angry may not help him.
As for your family member's biopsy...... its sad but things often don't go the way we want them to. At a time like this you have to give him/her support n strength. So do pray for the speedy recovery as well as your own peace of mind.
you will be in my prayers....... good luck.
2006-10-18 23:53:17 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
The feelings you feel about your family member is normal concern. Almost everyone will have gone through it once or twice in our lives.
Your fiance is another story. You need to get counseling to understand why you need to keep enabling this person. If he wants to destroy himself there is nothing you can do. But you can help yourself. Counseling will help you decide if staying in this situation is worth it for you. Good luck
2006-10-18 23:47:11 · answer #7 · answered by abbyrose 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Welcome to the world of most of us. I don't mean to sound sarcastic at all. Life is, for so many of us, so wrought with difficult decisions and pain. I already see you have a kind heart from your question.
My answer, don't think you have more power than you do. Too many movies leaves us thinking we will be saved or can save.
You are suffering as well as those you love. Do what you can for them and yourself TOO!
Love does not mean forsaking yourself, it means doing your best for those you love. You matter too, even to a stranger like me.
Don't loose yourself in them, but give yourself the nourishment you need to be strong for the ones you love.
Without you, what do they have? You are very important.
2006-10-18 23:51:39 · answer #8 · answered by crct2004 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is nothing I can say or do, other than tell you that I am sending good thoughts your way. I am sorry for all of the drama, and hopefully things will improve. I recomend that you talk with someone real time and let them help you to help yourself. Good Luck.
2006-10-18 23:43:36 · answer #9 · answered by samlevine05667 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to tell him how his drinking is making you fell, and that both of u need to seek professional help, and not try two hind what is happening, and tell him that you've all have to stick together and stay Strong and believe, and always pray. In my family 1 has cancer and a another is a severe diabetic and had to have both legs amputated at once. I am not saying it is going to be a cake walk, just stay strong and always believe. I send you my prayers and best wishes.
2006-10-18 23:57:30 · answer #10 · answered by reesey 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋