A night of glory 18 years of pain
A night of glory 18 years of pain
That night they laid down and he came
That night he told her all the things she wanted to hear.
But 9 months later when the baby came he was no where near.
I wish I didn’t love him.
I wish I didn’t care.
I wish I would have listen to my mom and I wouldn’t have this problem to bear.
That’s all she could think and that’s all could say.
But the problem was that her problem wasn’t going no damn where.
The true love that she thought they had, had vanished.
And her heart filled with hate.
9 months later the baby boy came.
With eyes like his daddy‘s and smile like it to.
Caused her just more pain.
That she didn’t need to go threw
18 years went by now she’s 33.
But 18 years of pain wasn’t her’s
It was her sons Tyree.
2006-10-18 14:13:25 · 11 answers · asked by take it or leave it 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Everyone has there own style of writing... I think what you wrote is good but could "read " better if you punched certain words and rearranged the order that certain words appear in and eliminate syllables... again for a more flowing read try using a thesauraus when u write it makes the usage of certain words more effective.
Btw. check ur spelling and the usage of dual meaning words bear- the animal, u meant bare
threw - projectile, u meant through
- Careful of the way your tenses change past, present it will lose the reader
- u can rhyme within the sections and it does not have to rhyme the whole way through
What about??...
One night of glory. Eighteen years of pain.
That night they laid down, things would never be the same
That night he told her all she wanted to hear.
But nine months later, to be found he was nowhere near.
( *mention of 9 months baby just seems like a given)
"If I didn't love him and if I didn't care,
I'f I'd only listened this wouldn't be my cross to bare."
That’s all she could think, there was nothing more to say.
The problem was her problem was not going to go away.
The love that she thought they had was not. The love replaced with hate, with rot.
Nine months later her son came.
He had his dad's looks, he wasn't to blame.
His eyes like his dad's and his smile too.
It caused her more pain.
She need not go through.
Eighteen years have since passed. She’s now 33.
But the eighteen years of pain that passed was owned by her son Tyree
2006-10-18 15:10:37 · answer #1 · answered by FoReal! 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont like it... it makes everyone in that situation out to be a stereotype or a statistic. The writing has some errors. The message could be delivered a lot more effectively... kids who read this will probably just say "that isnt/cant be me". Just a personal opinion... No offense if you wrote it (though I've read a ton of really similar stuff, email fwd's, etc.)
2006-10-18 14:19:56 · answer #2 · answered by cartmansmom 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I heard this one before, but the end is different. So is it supposed to symbolize history repeating itself?
2006-10-18 14:17:06 · answer #3 · answered by b_sampson98055 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
wow that is very powerful i can understand the pain of having loved and lost. been there done that lol
2006-10-18 14:20:51 · answer #4 · answered by savageskitten225 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
omg...that's really good but sad!!! it seems like thats pretty much how it is with young parents now days...its hardlry ever a good thing!
2006-10-18 14:21:17 · answer #5 · answered by mAnDeRz 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its really depressing. But its really good. makes a person think. good job.
2006-10-18 14:20:58 · answer #6 · answered by Bella 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know what to say : beginning is good ,the end is creepy.
2006-10-18 14:17:27 · answer #7 · answered by Toto 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
very well written it sounds like a real story that mey have happened. i like it.
2006-10-18 14:18:46 · answer #8 · answered by gallopingboo 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Very sad. Very good.
2006-10-18 14:17:33 · answer #9 · answered by Justwondering 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
prettty cool
2006-10-18 14:17:23 · answer #10 · answered by R J 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋