How old does you child have to be, when you have to tell her who her real father is?

Question

My husband thinks we should wait till she gets older (like 10 or 12) I don’t think that right. (my daughter is 4 yrs old) I think if she new the truth now and grew up knowing. It would be easy talking about. She doesn’t need to know all the info but just to know that this man her father and this man here her dad.

I’m I right or wrong? Please help!

The father has never been in her life. He know she there but does do nothing.

Answer 1

You're right. If you wait until she is that old it will confuse her and also hurt her. It's better for kids to know from an early age so that it's something they can accept better. If you wait until she is 10 - 12, she will question her own feelings for the man who is raising her and she might be angry at both of you. If she knows all along she will feel secure in the relationship she has with your husband.

Answer 2

Since the biological dad is not in her life, your husband is for all intents and purposes her dad. At 4, she is far too young to really understand what you are saying, or even care. What will happen is it will be something she will share with others, so if this is not something you want shared with the playgroup or daycare, then I would wait a bit longer. If you feel she is ready, then explain it very simply. Check out a book on where babies come from. Read it together and simply state "This is where you came from. But the seeds came from a different man. But the love comes from your Daddy." Anytime she has a question, answer it simply, without drama and with only as much information as she asked for. Do not make her bilogical dad into an evil person, for she may start to think that will make her evil. Just continue to emphasize that the important parts of a father come from love, sharing and being a family and she is lucky enough to have gotten a super Daddy.

Answer 3

I have been there on both sides. My mother didn't tell me my "stepdad" wasn't dad till I was 11 and then it hurt and confused me at that age hormones are already kicking in and it can be hard on a kid. My daughter's father was killed before she was born and her dad is the only dad she knows or ever will. From the time she was about 4 or 5 I started showing her pictures of who her birth father was and how he wasn't a part of her life but her daddy was and he would always be there. She is 14 now and understands all of it because she grew up with it. I know your husband wants to protect her and deep down he is probably afraid it will change her feelings for him but it won't and she needs to know before a vengful friend or family memeber spills the beans.

Answer 4

tell her now, but don't make a big deal about it, maybe just casually show her a picture and say "this is your birth father, but Daddy (your husband) is your Dad. Tell her before she fully understands where babies come from, so that she won't assume that your husband was the sperm part of the story. If you tell her now, she will take it in stride since it is just one of many new and amazing things a 4 year old learns.
My mother in law waited until my husband was 11 and was suspecting that the man she married when he was 3 was not his dad. At that point she had to sit him down and it was a big deal, and he was angry that she hid it and all these family members knew and no one told him. If you kept it from her til she was older, she would think that something was bad about it because it was a secret, and maybe something was bad about her because this was her father. Imagine yourself in her position. At 10 or 12 you think you know everything, it would shake your world to find out something that big, you would be left questioning "who am I?"
My husband never really trusted his mom after that, he felt lied to.

Answer 5

My two haven't seen the biological donor since they were 2 and 4 (7 years ago). Although my second husband adopted them they still know about the other. They don't remember him, but I felt it would be irresponsible to hold something like that from them. There have been no problems or repercussions from it; they are close to their Dad although they know about their Father. On the other hand, my niece found out about The Other when she was 21. She has not spoken to her parents for 5 years now. If you're not uncomfortable speaking with your daughter about a delicate issue like that, I would recommend be open from the get-go. She won't thank you for lying by omission when she 10. Things are rough enough at that age without adding to the stress!

Answer 6

Tell her when she asks I am a father of 3 and when I say that we are a mixed family I have 2 that are mine and one that is biologically not mine however I am his father by all aspects, his biological father has nothing to do with him and pays no child support, I am his sole means for support, advise, and survival. He knows of his other father because he had interaction when he was younger with him. Now if he asks about him we will tell him where he is or what we know in a non-negative light and let him form his own opinions, he may want to track his father down when he gets older, he may not it is his choice. But any information he wants that is reasonable we give him.

NOW that being said.... I want to tell you that you have a wonderful husband for being the man that he is and I want to leave you with these final words of inspiration.

Any idiot can be a daddy....

But it takes a REAL man to be a father....

Good luck in all that you do with your children.

Answer 7

First of all, there is no set age that the child 'has to be' when you tell them the truth, nor are you 'right' or 'wrong'. Each situation is different, each child is different, each opinion is only an opinion. There is no absolute right or wrong way, ever.

Personally, I don't think she's quite ready to understand at 4 years old, and I would wait till she's about 6-8. But again, that's just my opinion and each child is DIFFERENT.

Answer 8

Well, where is the biological father? Is he someone that she will know someday? Can she have his pic around or is he someone that you can talk about comfortably between the three of you.
She's going to have lots of questions regardless of when you tell her, so as long as you have the answers it should be ok to tell her anytime.
If it is some shameful secret that you do not wnat discussed then you have to think it over...
Not sure what I would do...I guess it would depend on where bio dad is and why he won't be in the child's life, as well as this other set of grandparents, cousins, etc...
Good luck!!

Answer 9

you are right. I would tell her now. If she grows up knowing it then you wont have to deal with the 'shock'. Or deal with continuing to put it off.... and eventually end up telling her at a bad time. I would show her a picture of her 'natural father' and let her ask questions. Whether he is dead or alive she has a right to know. I think that the sooner you tell her the better - and be open for lots of questions at various stages of her life. Good Luck!

Answer 10

10 could be too old, i think it really depends on when u think the time is best for her to understand i dont remember being told my dad, isnt really my really father, it made no difference to me, a father is more then just sperm at the end of the day
good luck with whatever u decide,