Those of you who have been left for another woman....?

Question

I'm going through it....like many of you have. A month ago my fiance, who a month earlier was telling me I was the woman of his life, left me for another.
I know very well it's just a matter of time and one day I'll see that all this pain and anger was for the best but there's something I'd like to ask those of you who have been there and are now happy with someone else.
Does it really heal? I'd like to know if, because of this obviously very unstable person (I'm being very polite...)I was in love with, I'll change my way of living relationships and most of all my way of trusting men.....?
The weeks following his "moment of truth" I felt as if someone had ripped my heart out, tied it in a knot and threw it in the ocean. It's all slowly going back to "normal" but I'm scared of having to live such a thing twice.
So...I'd be more than happy to hear stories of those of you who are in love again...
Thanks

Answer 1

My ex-partner told me he loved me more than life itself. Then happily slept with anyone that didn't get out of his way quickly enough including my "best friend".
I was devastated but slowly regained my confidence & realised that he had done me a favour by allowing me to move on.
I met a really nice guy at work, we dated for about a year, got married & have been together for the 25 years since. We have had rough times but they have helped us become the people we are today.
Believe me, there is someone out there for you who will treat you with the respect & love that you deserve. It may take a while but it will be worth the wait. Feel better soon.

Answer 2

I've been there girl! And I can honestly say, it was the absolute worst time of my life. Not only were we together for 5 1/2 years and engaged for 1, I have a son who was 7 at the time. My ex was the only father figure my son ever knew and the thing that hurt the worst was watching my 7 year old son hurting. My life was a mess.

To answer your first question, no, you don't ever TRULY get over it. It's been 2 1/2 years for me and I'm still bitter. I still get mad when I think about the fact that he cheated on me and ended everything 3 months before our wedding. This past January I found out he married the tramp that he cheated on me with. Which made it even worse. It was like someone ripped my heart out. I even bawled like a baby, in front of my new boyfriend (current fiancee). And you know what, he let me cry. And he was so supportive and understanding about what I was feeling. He proposed 3 months later. But at that point I knew that he was the one.

So to answer your next question, yes, you will live your life differently and change the way you approach relationships. I know I did, and still do. I am a completely different person than I was a couple of years ago. I still hate him for everything that he put not only me through, but my son. And I know that if he could do that, then he truly didn't love us like he says he did.

I know it's hard for you to hear that "life goes on", or "you'll bounce back so fast" or, "it just wasn't meant to be". But I can tell you, things truly will get better. And when you find a better man, you'll thank every day taht you didn't marry your ex. Now I have a MUCH better man who is everything that my ex wasn't. And I never saw it until now.

I promise you'll come through this. Sorry my response was so long. But I totally feel for you and know what you're going through. If you ever just want some friendly advice or opinions, feel free to email me.

Good luck! And remember, things can only go up from here! :)

Answer 3

I have one thing to say ... what you are feeling right now its not serious at all. I know it hurts really bad but in a few months, maybe less, you will realize that there is so much more going on in your life besides HIM. Just do me a big favor, do not put a hold on your life because of your feelings right now. It will go away. Always think this way...he is not worth your time and energy if he could not hold on to you. It was his choice.
Anyway, it will feel like the pain is going to be there forever, but it won't.

I was in love with this man and we were together for a couple of years and then he told me that he was seeing someone else. I lost weight, left school for a semester, lost my friends, made my family's life miserable, ... Why? I thought I couldn't be without him. That is nothing more than illusions. You really do not need a man to live and the day that a man comes around, and he will, you will realize that you can fall in love more than once and that this time it was with the right one.
Hang in there!
Good luck!

Answer 4

very sorry to hear this. My heart all goes to you.

You will get healed, for sure. This man went away for reasons that we don't understand. Different people have different priorities and agenda at differetn stages of their life. Some men might feel too much to be in a stable relationship, some might want to pursue a different goal. Don't take it on board personally.

Take it as a chance to lead a different life. You sound like a very educated person and am sure you will meet someone who loves and deserves your trust.

Not all man are like him. Some are very good and with high level of integrity. The most important thing now is how to move on without him. Try something different in your life, something you always wanted to do, or pick up a new hobby that will change your pattern. Tell all your friends about this to get their support.

Give yourself sometime to cry over it, depending on individuals, some takes longer, some only needs a couple of weeks. But after that, give yourself permission to move on. Pull yourself together to take up something different. You will see the light out of tunnel.

The feeling of hatred will go on for years but do not let yourself be tied into it by justifying the feeling. It does not help in the new relationship. You have right to hate but I would ask God for help to turn it to something else.

Do you go to church? if you don't, please accept my invitation to go to one in your town. You are more loved than you realised by our heavenly Father.

God bless and take care.

Answer 5

Dear asker,

It hurst to break things off and be replaced. Feelings of rejection and inadequacy fill up your heart and your self steem takes a plunge. You will swear men off you life and vow never to fall in love again. Yeah, right.

You will be vulnerable for a while. You might get attached to the fisrt person that tell you that you're cute because you crave attention and company desperatly. You might fall for someone else too soon just to learn later that that was a bad idea.

After that then you will be extremely cautious and eskeptic. The right men may come your way and you will try your hardest to push him away, because you are scared of suffering away and because you want to prove yourself that you have learn from your mistakes.

Mr. Wonderful will stick around and be patient. He understant the debt of your wounds and is very considerate. Soon, you won;t even remember your ex-fiances what his face name and you will not belive that you ever loved that idiot. Your new man is wonderful, yu take things one day at the time and for the first time, you know what love is.

Your love will come. The one, The real one.

Good luck

Answer 6

Well I found out that my husband had been having anaffair for nearly a year as his 'girlfriend' found out about his 'mistress'. Neither of them knew about me. He'd told the mistress he'd divorced me and even gone as far as forging a county court divorce cert. He told the girlfriend that he hadn't been in a serious relationship for six years and that his two year old son was actually his nephew.
At the moment I'm homeless penniless, living at my mums in cramped conditions, fighting a divorce, my soon to be ex for the house, and just to top it all off - the tenant (another long story) won't move out of my home, so I'm taking her to court. All while trying to keep some structure and stability in my two year sons life. But the rambling of this typo is THAT I'M HAPPIER THAN I'VE BEEN IN YEARS.
I'm no longer the down trodden person who I think had a minor breakdown and if it wasn't for my mum would of been sectioned by now.
I've always been described as an assertive optimist but even my usual upbeat look on life has been pushed to the absolute edge.
At the end of the day - what goes around comes around - and in my ex case it most certainly has and is.
He's lost his wife, son, home, most of his belongings, his mistress, his girlfriend, friends, two jobs because the former mentioned has pushed him to near breakdown so can't hold down a job. Last month he was diagnosed with a brain tumour, not cancerous but he is having to have treatment to break it down, and just to top it all off, the door to the room he is rented was broken in and alot of his clothes and all of the money he had stashed (not much but all he had) was stolen and oh yes he's been declared bankrupt. Well that' what happens when your trying to live three different lives with three different women.
My trust with anyone new - will be mininmal - and I will always be suspious of mobile phone calls and 'working away'. at the moment I don't want another relationship - think I've got enough on my plate, and my main concern is to provide a happy stable life for my son. But I am happier. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You'll get there. Just don't waste your time and emotions hating him - he's not worth it and your only end up eating up your inner self (god that sounds far out man). Remember the good times and learn from the bad. You'll get there - good luck.
Sorry this answer is so long. Hope it helps.

Answer 7

Sorry to hear of your ordeal. This has happened to me three times now so I've given up and got a Labrador instead. Labradors are tall, dark and handsome. Don't cheat, lie or are unfaithful. All it takes to keep them happy is food and walks and not many men can compare with that.
I'm not trying to be funny as what you are going through is just awful, but take a long break from the mating game before you go through it again and think VERY hard before you trust again. It takes a long time.

Answer 8

Whoa, your question brought back some memories... I remember feeling exactly this, well put. My husband of 5 years walked out one day with no prior "warning", and went to live with another woman. Just a few days before, we had come back from visiting my parents for the first time since we'd been married (they live very far away), and he called them "mom" and "dad", and my whole family fell absolutely in love with him. Everyone thought we were a "perfect couple". It was a double whammy being that my whole family was now involved. Never before or since have I experienced anything quite like this.

To answer your question... I have an invaluable ability to adapt to the new situation. I extracted every lesson I could from the incident - and continued on with my life. For one, it helped that I never placed more than 50% of the blame on him; the other 50%, in my perception, rested squarely on my shoulders - if for no other reason than the fact that I *chose* the man who turned out to be so untrustworthy. I guess, I never lost the sense of control over my own future; I believed that I *can* make better choices, and minimize the possibility of failure in the future. On the other hand, I also understood that there ARE risks to be taken, and there are not guarantees; I tried to be realistic, and not expect too much from any given relationship; no person is "perfect", myself included. Although I tend to be somewhat cynical, and have probably grown more so over the years, I don't believe I have become "jaded" or mistrustful. In fact, the lessons I learned gave me more confidence when it came to relationships - because after I had been through hell, and emerged out of it, I knew that I *could* handle this. The realization that I *could* in fact live without the very person I had thought I could not live without was quite an eye-opener. I was never again afraid to fall in love, because I knew that even if I *did* fall on my face, it would not last forever, and things would get better in time. To me, searching for love was worth it. I did "fall on my face", several times to be sure... But it all passed. I am now married to a great guy. I can only thank my ex for giving me an opprtunity to end up with someone who is so much more respectful of me and our relationship. I guess, "good riddance" sums it up for me.

Good luck. Sounds like you're on your way to recovery.

Answer 9

I am so sorry you had to go through this, it's so painful. Please know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It does take time, so be generous with yourself in that regard. Don't feel like you need to date again soon and don't cave to any well-intentioned people who want you to date again soon. Do what it takes to heal, pray, meditate, watch old movies, eat chocolate, and cry. Whatever it takes as long as it isn't destructive to yourself or someone else. It sounds like his 'moment of truth' was a moment of fear and so instead of dealing with it in a mature manner, he took the 'easy' way out. Please don't feel diminished because of his lack. I've been through this and took time to heal but when I took the time to do it properly, I came out of it better and stronger and grateful that I had not married an immature and unstable man. I am now married to a wonderful man, who was a dear friend for a couple of years before we dated. What a blessing! I wish the same for you. God bless you.

Answer 10

Go live your life, you are the lucky one that you found out what he was like before you married him. I fell in love with a girl married her when I was 20 and had 16 years of misery as I found out that we had very little in common . My health deteriorated, I lost all that I had and owned, house, car,kids, my own family etc ended up on the street with nothing. My life has turned around I changed my career, found a wonderful girl whom I married earlier this year. My family and kids have now realised it was not my fault that the marriage broke down and are making ammends.

You will know when you have found the one for you, go and look and forget the loser