My daughter passed away in a house fire 2 yrs 1 mo 18 days ago. I always kept my children safe and did everything to keep my children safe from any type of harm. I cannot accept what happened and fight within myself that I failed her as a mother who is suppose to protect her children. I'm lost! I'm devastated I have become to hate the word time and you need to move on by making her proud. How can I make her proud when I failed her.
2006-10-18 08:40:49 · 27 answers · asked by BQ 1 in Health ➔ Mental Health
One thing you have to keep in mind is that everyone heals at their own pace. No one can nor should rush you in that. At the same time you have to keep moving. See, it doesn't matter how slow you are moving but if you keep moving, you WILL get there. It sounds redundant and that is because it is. Remember that she loved you...faults and all. I am not sure as to why you feel guilty because I do not know the circumstances of your situation...
I do know that no matter what we do wrong as mothers, our children love us. from the time they are born and we meet them, they love us. That same constant forever love you feel for her, she feels for you. I say feels because she is somewhere watching over you. Beyond that all you can do is continue to live. she'd want that for you. this is the best I can do right now and considering that I cannot tell you how to deal. I can only give my opinion to give you another outlook. I hope if nothings else this is able to give the slightest bit of help and I truly do wish you the best.
2006-10-18 09:12:28 · answer #1 · answered by ninalopez19 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have not lost any children. I have lost the closest thing to me and that was my mother. She died at to young of an age.
When you have that much bitterness towards yourself built up. Nothing anyone can say will make you feel any better. Some try to help by saying "only in time" or "they are in a better place". I know.. I have heard it all to. I somewhat blame myself for my mothers death.
The only thing that did help me (and may not help you) was when someone told me... if she had a choice to come back and be with you or stay where she is... she would probably stay where she is. She is no longer in this world of hatred, pain, and agony. No matter how great of a mother you were to her... you would not be able to keep her from getting her heart broken, bumps and bruises on her from playing, pain of losing a friend or family member. Those are things that happen daily to each and every one of us.
You have to work it out with yourself. You have to make yourself understand it was not your fault. If you cannot do that then time will not help you. Facing the fact that she is gone will not help you.
A mother is there to take care of her children, keep them healthy, show them the ways of the world, and yes... protect them. You can only do so much. Things happen. You cannot change that. You cannot turn back time and try something different. There are many mothers in your same position. There are groups that talk about it. (In my town, a mother who had lost her child started a talk group and all parent's who have lost a child were invited. They meet once a month to talk about it, to help each other cope with it.) You can always try to start something like that. Maybe listening to other stories or being around people who have lost their children may actually comfort you or help you cope a little more. It is really hard to try to give advise when you haven't went through the same thing. It seems you really need to talk to someone. If you don't want to talk to a professional then talk to a friend, let everything out (as many times as you want to). Just don't let it bottle up inside of you. There are ways to cope with this you just have to find the one that will work in your situation. If you want to talk just email me. I am not the type of person that always have answers or the "right words" but I am a very good listener. I hope you take what I have said into consideration. I am sorry if this did not help at all.
2006-10-18 09:07:59 · answer #2 · answered by Keith Perry 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I can not say that I know what you are going through, but I can say that what happened to your daughter is no where near your fault. No matter what if you believe in GOD then I can tell you one thing GOD had better plans for your little girl than anyone else could ever have. It was time for her to go home and live a much better life with no worries. I’m sure that you know this but just as a little reminder she wouldn’t want you to live the rest of your life in grief, she would want you to go on with life and remember her for all of the good things she has done in life for you and I’m sure many others. Just remember you now have the best guardian angel anyone could ever ask for!! May God Bless You and your Family
2006-10-18 08:57:23 · answer #3 · answered by Courtney M 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well there is nothing that I'm going to say that is going to make you feel better. But..it is NOT your fault at all! I'm pretty sure you've always protected her and raised her right. You should be proud of what you acomplished in those beautiful 12 years of her life! I don't have the answers as to why she was taken away so soon. I'm not sure what your religion is, but i believe that God needed his angel to be up there with him, so he had to take her. Angles belong in heaven, not here on this earth where there is pain and hate. I know you can move on because you still have her spirit and love in your heart...always remember that. May God bless you and may you have the strenght to live your life.
2006-10-18 08:46:05 · answer #4 · answered by sweet_truth 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes accidents are completely unavoidable regardless of what you could have done. When you think of her, try to remember her for who she was, even though it was a short time, and not what happened. Seek bereavement counseling and that will help you deal with it better on a day to day basis. If you truly feel that you failed one child, you will inadvertently fail the ones you have now. Beating yourself up over this is not going to help you come to terms with it, just make it worse. What you are doing now is living every parents' worst nightmare and no, you'll never get over it, but there are ways to learn to deal with it. So sorry to hear about your loss.
2006-10-18 08:54:15 · answer #5 · answered by infernal_seamonkey 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry for your loss, but you DID NOT fail her, you did the best you could, and all i can say is: seek a support group, pray to God and know that she is in a better place, and that maybe God needed her more than you did, and just know that he never puts more on us than we can handle.... my sister lost her daughter 1 yr, 3 mos. ago, she was only 8 months old, my sister just woke up, and went to check on Jayda, she wasn't breathing and she was already dead, the autopsy showed nothing was wrong, so they said it was SIDS ( sudden infant death syndrome.) she had just had a check-up, i haven't lost a child, but i feel grief for all the mothers out there that have, whether it just be a natural death, or a fire, but i can't imagine it, and my heart goes out to those that have, and all i can say is seek support, and don't blame yourself, because it isn't your fault, sometimes God isn't fair, but he has this plan, and we just have to go because we don't know what it means, we just have to go with his flow, and keep going because that is what she would want you to do... I'm almost sure of it... so if nothing else, keep going for her, if not for yourself.
2006-10-18 08:54:04 · answer #6 · answered by babyatgradys 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You as her mother did not fail in any way did you give your child all she ever needed and did you not love her unconditionally things happen our lives that we as humans cannot understand but there is reason why these things happen your child knows that you did everything you could to protect her and I am sure she is not angry I know that you hate the word time but that is what it is going to take try praying to God if you are religious if not then try writing a letter to her and even though she is no longer alive ask her to forgive you I will pray for you and your family
2006-10-18 08:52:34 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry for your loss but you need to stop blaming yourself you know that but I seriously think that you need help to learn how you can carry on without her & to learn how to stop blaming yourself. Your daughter had 12 years filled with happiness & love, she died knowing she was loved.
You did not fail her but you do need to see a doctor for help with your emotions & get some grief counselling which will in time help you to be able to think of the good times you had with your daughter and not feel suicidal.
You know deep down she would want you to be happy.
Maybe you could do a sponsored walk or slim or something in her name and donate the money to a victims of fire charity or even plant a tree or make a memorial garden in her name.
2006-10-18 08:50:54 · answer #8 · answered by madamspud 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
That's a toughie, I have a story that might help.
A woman approached Mahatma Gandhi with a very similar story to yours, she had lost a child in a senseless accident and was unable to overcome her grief. Gandhi told her to go to every house in the village and when she found a home where there had not been a death to come back to him to tell him. After a few weeks she returned with a more erect gait looking better. She said she went from house to house for those weeks and at every single house asked if there had ever been any deaths there. Everyone had at least one. Most people would share their stories and they would commiserate with the grieving mother.
She eventually realized that there was not one single house where there had not been a death. And she saw the light. She returned to thank Gandhi from the bottom of her heart.
2006-10-18 08:48:00 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You did not fail your daughter. I'm so sorry for your loss, I cannot even imagine it. Look in your area for a grief support group. Ask your doctor about locating one. Your daughter had 12 great years with you and I'm sure she loved you very much. Please seek some kind of counseling. I know you are hurting and nothing can ever really make this right, but do not blame yourself. Maybe it will help you to talk to other parents in your same situation. Best of luck to you.
2006-10-18 08:45:56 · answer #10 · answered by kat 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋