for you ladies. How do I change my ways?

Question

I am really not sure what to do any more. I am 43, I have never been married, I have dated a lot of girls and cheated on alot of them, including my last girl friend. I am tired of all the lies and drama and yet at the same time it seems like I feed off of it. I don't know how to be alone but I obviously don't know how to have a healthy relationship either. I literally broke up with my girl friend last night and I am allready on the hunt for the next one. I really am lost. I have a good life ( make good money, nice house, cars etc.) but I don't think I will ever get my love life thing right. I seem to mess up worse as time goes by. My buddies think I have it made( especially my married buddies ) and I must admidt that I love dating but I want a healthy dating life for once in my life. I know I am going to get alot of hate from you girls but I really do want to change

Answer 1

I'm probably going to get nailed for my response, but why are you being so hard on yourself?

You're 43 and you've never been married. It sounds like you make a decent living and know how to have fun. I'm sure you're the envy of most of the men here whether or not they voice that in this forum.

Relax. All that anxiety about needing to commit to someone is unfounded. That's someone else telling you what is the right thing for you to do. Go with what feels good and feels right.

Remember, too, that you're 50% of every relationship you've been in. The women you're dating don't sound like they're very serious about a relationship, either.

Personally, I'm afraid to commit because I don't trust people.

Now, if you've come to a point in your life that you want to commit to someone that's a different story. The first step you should take is to evaluate what you have to offer someone. You should also try some new stomping grounds--partys and pubs do not a worthwhile woman offer! Find someone that is about your age and has similar interests--you're basically looking for someone just like yourself, but softer in all the right places.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Saying you want to change and meaning it are to different things. Think about your past relationships what was different if anything from the girls you were dating and at what point did you start cheating? Some not all but some guys I think cheat because their relationship is missing something and instead of talking about it they look for it somewhere else and some guys get Bord they need a lot more attention we will call it and we all know guys don't really like to talk about these things so I'm sure that's part of the problem. You need to find out exactly what it is you want in a women maybe you are unsure so your trying it all like an experiment. Then again maybe you just haven't found that right person yet.

Answer 3

In my opinion you are absolutely not ready to have a relationship. Do you possibly have an addictive personality? If so, you may be addicted to the beginning of a relationship. I am a firm believer that you must be truly happy alone before you can ever be happy with someone. Two people are not halves of the same being, they are two beings that make each other better. If you are not your own person to begin with, you can never be the right person for anyone. In all honesty I don't think it would hurt for you to go talk to someone. Someone that doesn't know you that will just listen to you. You might find yourself stumbling upon the answer if you are given the space to discuss it with a professional. The hardest part will be getting started, I promise. Good luck.

Answer 4

With intensive lifestyle changes and therapy - and 100% commitment on your part ... change is hard and but very possible, you just have to "break" your own stubborn will (since it'd better for you to be a person who cherishes love and keeps commitments).

You recognized part of your problem "you feed off dating and cheating"... it's also noticeable that you have a "fanclub" of married men who are cheering you on --- so you are addicted to this attention as well. And perhaps some anxiety over being alone so you keep the women coming into your life and once it's gets comfortable for the woman and you feel she wants something more permanent - you get stressed (fearing commitment) and you end the relationship not by telling her it's over but usually by cheating on the current girlfriend... for a guy this behaviour is addictive... because you can't be alone, you have a fresh new girlfriend frequently and you have enablers (married guys/friends) who are envious of your situation and they are urging you on. That's why I said it takes intensive lifestyle changes and therapy... so you have to be committed to change not only your ways but seek out friends who are also good role models, and keeping away from those "hangouts" that you frequent.... change starts on the inside and works it's way outwardly... it's hard and with devotion on your part you can become a better man.

Answer 5

Well, my friend, it looks like you are on the right track. You are proof that money can't buy happiness. As it shouldn't. Sounds like you have been trying to fill a void with material things and women. Perhaps you need to take some time to look inside your heart and find out what you are really looking for. There's a God shaped whole in all of us that only He can fill. Everything in life takes a certain amount of committment and determination. It's just a matter of what are you committed to. Now, that you have learned what what love isn't, give God a chance to give you what nothing else can. True joy, peace, and love.

Romans 15:13
13May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Hebrews 11:6
And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Luke 11:9
"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.


God bless you and may you find what you are looking for.

Answer 6

You sound very unhappy with yourself. You are not self-satisfied; otherwise, you could be happy with someone else. If you are tired of all the lies and drama, which it seems you create most of, then put a stop to it. Find a girl with which you can just be honest with. Be yourself around. Being faced with being alone for the rest of your life has to be depressing. Here's a tip for you......wait a little while figure out what you are really looking for in a mate and then proceed with your search.

Answer 7

Just admitting that this is a problem for you, is starting the change already. Maybe you are just afraid of commitment. Many men are, I guess they think if it goes bad, they will lose everything. You have to want a relationship to work, give it the respect and understanding it needs and you should not have a problem. When you meet someone that brings these feelings out, you won't have a problem giving the relationship your full attention. I think you are just a little gunshy. I wish you luck, happiness, and a relationship that completes you.

Answer 8

Okay well first off you need to stop lying and cheating. That is where the problem starts. Just go out and get to know new people go in groups if you have to and just dont hook up wit every girl you think is good looking. Take time to get to know them be friends with them first and then go from there but the first thing you need to do is learn how to NOT LIE AND CHEAT because if its all you do then you are going to stay right where you are alone.

good luck to you

Answer 9

I really think you just haven't found the right one for you. When you do you will not have the urge to keep looking. The fact that you can recognize your weaknesses is a big plus for you. Wanting to be married and have what everyone else has is hard when you just can't find the right one. Hang in there, she may come along when you least expect it, then try with all your might to be good! Good luck.

Answer 10

listen James you obviously are saying in a subliminal way that you are ready and you cant ask your guy friends advice because they envy your lifestyle but in the same aspect you envy theres, you want the little house with the puppy and then kids, you want to wake up to that special someone every morning. your problem you haven't found her, girls are just as bad as you men we date many men and pretty much know if we like them by the second date If we dont we usually tag them along until someone betters comes our way difference between men and women men just cheat on the girl we leave the old prize for the knew one guilt free. you guys like the excitement of possible getting caught. so all in all you have to find that ms write shes out there probably dating my Mr write so find her soon so i can have mine and once you do you wont have the urge as strong as you do now to be with other women, but dont forget your male the urge will never fully and completely go away, but you can control it, hope i helped.