Any advice for dealing with a difficult child?

Question

I have a four year old daughter who is always in your face and always wants your attention. Also, the smallest thing sets her off. One minute she is happy and the next she is crying or mad. Help please!!

Answer 1

Let's begin by doing some background info necessary to understanding what is going on with your child, OK?



First. she may be a highly sensitive child. Seek out some books on this topic and see if she fits the profile and then follow advice.



Remember that each child has a different temperament which largely drives their actions and which generally stays consistent with life. Their natural tendencies must be looked and accepted as the way they were born, although these traits can be modified with the environment and naturally training. She may just be naturally moody (the melancholic temperament usually)...or emotional (sanguine).



For instance, one of the traits of a sanguine is they tend to be lazy or disorganized by nature. By teaching them to do chores regularly and trying to teach organizational skills they can lesson their natural tendency...somewhat modifying their inborn traits, (nature vs nurture or inborn versus environmental). I suggest some temperament books.



This one is the one I read years ago (although it is written from a Christian angle). Her husband, Tim LaHaye also has a number of temperament books which explain the four temperaments (and mixtures) of Sanguine, Melancholy, Choleric, and Phlegmatic. This is helpful in understanding others.



Here is the link to the book on Amazon (also see her husbands books )
http://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Childs-Temperament-Beverly-Lahaye/dp/1565079396/ref=pd_rhf_p_1/102-7303108-6518536?ie=UTF8). Perhaps they have at the library.



Also be aware of psychologist, Erik Erickson's stages of development. I studied him in child psychology when getting my teaching degree. If your child did not meet the first stage of trust versus mistrust, they may feel they cannot get your attention without demanding it as they did not learn to trust you from the crucial stages of ages 0-2.



She is seeking your attention because she needs it. Children are instinctual creatures, aware of their needs, and they are not yet independent from their parents and families.



. In fact, this is the stage of Erik Erickson that she is in (age 3-6)...what the conflict is that she is learning, hopefully, successfully, is that she is

learning initiative and independence (vs guilt). If she is not successful, she will have integrated guilt into her persona. I think that is behind her behavior..it is sometimes scary for a little kid to learn independence and during this stage they go back and forth between dependence and independence so this is likely pretty normal.



She is learning. Be sure she knows that it is OK to be dependent when she needs to be by being loving and nurturing and giving her the attention she needs, while at the same time rewarding independence and providing opportunities for independence, I think her moods are tied to the alternating pleasure and anger in the challenges she is facing in learning independence. This psychological stage is from age 3-6. Next stage will be industry vs inferiority (I have pasted and copied this below..but his theories extend throughout our life birth to death)



You might increase the times you give her attention when she is not demanding it and involve her in doing things with you like cooking and learning new skills. So this is some background explanations for why she is doing this.



Now let's move on to how to handle it. Practically, the best training tool is behavior modification. But first be sure that you are meeting her large needs for nurturing and for gaining your attention successfully by putting her first..never will anyone need you like your kids do when they are small as what you do now can and will affect her whole life. Try to be patient and understanding...understanding that kids will overreact until they learn to modulate their emotions somewhat. Remembering that it gives her great pleasure when you pay attention to her little triumphs in learning and doing things.



She is looking for assurance that she is doing well in her task of gaining skills and independence and will sometimes want the dependency needs met when she is overtired, frustrated, etc. These are often times she will seek your attention. If you are distracted with something else, she will gain what she needs (your attention and approval) the only way she knows how by getting in your face and demanding it. Please stop seeing her as "difficult" and start seeing her as normal for herself and her temperament and for her age. She will pick up any negative feelings from you and become even less trusting of people and more clingy or unhappy. I know this is hard as you have needs too, but I am sure you love your child and will be able to find it in you to meet her needs even when inconvenient if you remember how important this is to who she will become someday.



Be sure you are being a good role model for how to express emotions and point it out to her or better yet, praise and reward your husband or other kids or relatives when they are reacting the way you want her to react. Go through a thing with your husband or bf where you kind of role play the right way to do things (but don't so it like a skit or teaching tool,,just pretend and make it seem real and natural). Do this often and when in her presence lavishing the positive reinforcement on your husband or bf or the other child you are using to essentially demonstrate the right way for her to act to get your attention.





She may start emulating the person being praised. If she does, immediately and lavishly reward her with verbal praise, affection, attention, and material rewards. We do this in elementary school teaching, praising a child nearby doing it the right way while ignoring those doing it the wrong way and they often pick up the behavior so they can be rewarded too. It is quite effective actually.



When using behavior modification, it is most effective to reward them when they do it the way you want it done, while ignoring the bad behavior rather than punishing it (that is positive reinforcement is much more effective than negative reinforcement (punishment)..your job is to catch her when she is doing it right and reward her with things she wants (attention, affection, praise, material things, privileges (time with mommy, going to the park, etc) while ignoring negative actions.

If you eventually find she has ADD?ADHD, do not o\put her on drugs, but rather seek out naturally and alternative theapies and so not let teachers talk you into putting her on drugs to make it easier for them. This is not in your child's best interest.


Remembering she is in a learning phase learning to be more independent and going back and forth between dependence and independence and may also not have learned the first stage of trust versus mistrust will help. Be sure to let her know that she can trust you to meet her needs whether they be for attention, love, or material comforts (food/playtime/etc). Good luck and remember eventually this to will pass and one day you will long for these days. Trust me as a women with 2 grown kids and a former teacher. Kids are the joys of life.

Answer 2

The first thing you have to realise is that children of this age aren't naughty they are just acting in the way that they have been taught to and are allowed to.

Don't give her what she wants but make sure she wants what she gets (a subtle but important difference).
You be in charge. Say what you want once, make it clear. If she doesn't behave in the way you requested then immediately punish her (not smacking or shouting, maybe just a minute or so on the naughty chair). If she does behave properly then immediately congratulate her, tell her how happy she has made mum and what a good girl she is. Praise and cuddles and a little of your time are all any child really wants and are the best behaviour modifiers.
Make sure she eats properly, ie good breakfast lunch dinner etc. Absolutely no snacking, no sweets, no sugary juices.
Make sure she gets to bed early and has a full nights sleep.

You have to realise that you have taught and encouraged the behaviour you now recognise as bad so the next couple of weeks trying to change will be a test for both of you.
If you remember it is your fault not her's, then you are less likely to blow your top with her.
Give her loads of cuddles and loving and relax.

Answer 3

One of my foster children is like this...when I am speaking to someone or busy doing whatever he demands my attention and if he doesn't get it (which normally I tell him, "honey I am busy...hang on a minute) he will try and kick me / hit me / yell at me...you name it. I then simply briefly stop what I am doing and tell him, you know this is not the way to act and I send him to the corner. He has a "blue bear" in his therapy session that is helping him with his behavor and it's almost to the point to where he says to us...when your done I need to talk to you...


I know you probably don't have a therapy session set up for her, but you can do your own therapy (without the help of pricy professionals) If she has a favorite doll or something that she sleeps with. Tell her that "name of doll / animal" doesn't like the way she is acting and that if she wants to sleep with "name of doll or animal" then she needs to correct her attitude. When she calms down, praise her and then calmly ask her what she wants. If it's a fit she is throwing for no reason, send her to her room and tell her that she can come out when she can be a big girl and ask for what she needs instead of throwing a fit.

We did both these techniques on our foster children and within 1 month...we weren't being hit / slapped / cussed at (believe it) or anything. They are pretty much typical little 4 year olds.

Answer 4

If she's always wanting attention, then the best thing to do is to tell her "I love you and want to spend time with you, but right now I'm a bit busy. We'll play later okay?" She needs to know that you aren't always gonna drop everything to entertain her. She needs to learn how to be independent and learn to entertain herself.

As for being happy one minute and mad the next--it's just a phase, but still should be dealt with. If it seems like a tantrum (stomping, screaming, etc.) then ignore it. Praise her for good behavior and punish for acting up.

Answer 5

My daughter used to throw these rediculous fits for no reason that I could figure out......she would jsut suddenly start crying very loud.....I would just pick her up and put her in her room, would give her 20 to 30 minutes crying loudly before I would knock on her door and take her a glass of ice water in a wine glass.....she would then drink it and be over her fit. She is a bit of a drama queen even now at 15....everything is either great or horrible.....

They say if they demand attention you have to not give it to them. There is a guy on the radio that advertises a program he developed called "Total Transformation" here I found the link for you. Might want to give it a try!

http://www.thetotaltransformation.com/?UTM_medium=CPC&UTM_source=tttprogram&OVRAW=%22total%20transformation%22&OVKEY=total%20transformation&OVMTC=standard

Answer 6

ALL IT TAKES IS PATIENTS AND PRAYERS. IF SHE IS AN ONLY CHILD SHE MAY NOT HAVE DEVELOPED THE ABILITY TO ENTERTAIN HERSELF AND MAY BE MORE HIGH MAINTENANCE THAN ANOTHER CHILD HER AGE. MY NIECE IS AN ONLY CHILD AND SHE IS THE SAME WAY, ALWAYS IN YOUR FACE AND VERY DEMANDNING. WHEN OUR CHILDREN PLAY TOGETHER SHE, ALWAYS COMES TO TADDLE ON THE OTHER CHILDREN FOR EVERY LITTLE THING. WHAT HAS HELPED WTIH MY SISTERS SITUATION IS GIVING HER DESIGNATED TIME FOR ACTIVITIES, STORY, OR FAMILY TOGETHERNESS. THE REST OF THE TIME WE TELL HER SHE HAS TO FIGURE IT OUT FOR HER SELF AND DO THE BEST SHE CAN. SHE GETS ANGRY BUT HAS LEARNED SOME INDEPENDENCE AND LEARNED TO CONTROL HER TEMPER. MY SISTER SAID WHEN SHE FINALLY UNDERSTOOD THAT MOMMY AND DADDY HAD THINGS TO DO AND COULD NOT GIVE HER 100% OF HER ATTENTION 24/7, SHE HAS BECOME HAPPIER AND MORE LOVING.

Answer 7

i wished i could help, i have a 5 year old daughter the same way. my daughter has been diagnoised with ADHDand is currently taking medication to remedy the problem. maybe you should consult your doctor. or if that way isnt open for consideration you could try spending more time with her to show her that you love her and that your still there. my daughter has been on meds for a couple of years know and one of the biggest things her doctor suggests is that i take the time to do something special (just the girls)with my daughter. good luck!!!

Answer 8

Hi I have a 4 year old too... in order to help with his being "difficult" we have set a good schedule and try to keep him busy. ... also when wanting all of your attention try involving your daughter in what you are doing... that way she feels part of the actions you are doing... and the mood swings are pretty normal... they are not sure where they quite fit in yet... a baby or a big kid...
Good Luck.

Answer 9

my friend
i have raised 12 children , i have lost 2 of my sons and one grand son in iraq.. it hurts,, as for your daughter you need to look close at how she handles being around other children,, she may have a problem with holding a thought for very long.. you need to set guide lines for her, and make sure that she follows them ,, and i will tell she will try your patience,
give her little jobs to do ,, and as she does them ,then increase them slowly,, and she will learn more about respect,, and more responsible for herself...
when she does right things ,, praise her,, wrong things ,, explain to her what was wrong ,, but the key to all is love , understanding, and patience,,, and above all else ,,, love,love,love,,, if you do need a doctor for this ,,, be wise , and check them carefully for their work ,,, and do not let them start putting your daughter on a lot of drugs,, all this does is to mask the problems,,, you are going to be ok , and so is your daughter.. you must teach responseabilty, and respect... and this starts at home... may god bless you

and yes we did have a lot of ups and downs with my children,, and i am proud to say that out of 12 children ,, 7 got college degrees, and are doing very well ,,, and they are raiseing their familes in the right way,,,


remenber always ... love love love

Answer 10

I have a 6 year old daughter who has had the same mood swings. I just really TRY to talk calmly all the time. I also praise her hugely when she does good. If your daughter is not ADHD, I really don't know what to say...I'll keep checking back to this question to get an answer myself!!! Good luck, to you and me!

Answer 11

I don't have kids, but I know some good children came out of our family. Me being one of them. The only thing my parent did when something like that happened is gave us the attention they thought we needed and if we tried to get more or be wild they'd put us in time out. Eventually, I learned my lesson. Hope that helps.