Why can't I forgive?

Question

Almost two years ago, I was attacked by a man who tried to rape and kill me. He didn't, thank God. I know I should forgive him, and I really want to. He is in prison now. Forgiving and forgetting are two separate things. But I get these awful ideas when I think of him. Torture, killing him, and in quite vivid detail. I've gone through counseling; that's not the problem. I just want to see him hurt as badly as I do/did. Why can't I let go and forgive him for what he has done to me and my life?

I know God wants me to forgive this man, so that's why I need to do this. I did not know him from Adam when we met, and he did this to me. I was asking him for directions.

Answer 1

I am so sorry for you having to go through this. It is truly every woman's worst nightmare. I believe forgiveness is a very important thing you do for YOURSELF, not for the one who has hurt you. It releases you from carrying around resentments forever.
I do not believe, however, that forgiveness is the main underlying problem. No doubt you have suffered lasting effects from such a brutal attack, and probably suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. A doctor should be consulted on that.
On another side of this, though, is GRIEF - surprisingly. We do not have to suffer a death of someone to experience grief. When you were attacked, life as you knew it was over. By someone else's choice, you were forced to change everything about your life, and everything you ever believed. We grieve over the end of things, but the potential to begin NEW is always there. To try to figure out why is futile. We all are humans and have free will. Some people use it for evil, some for good. Learning to accept what IS, because we cannot change that, can bring us to a new place to begin life. It can actually be as good or better than life before - just in different ways.
My 15 year old daughter died three years ago from cancer. I truly thought I would die too, but I did not. I had no choice but to reinvent my life, after a substantial amount of grieving. My life is actually happier now than it was before that event...not because she is gone, but because I made a choice to find meaning in something that made no sense. I now give support to others who grieve. She is the obvious, and still painful part that is missing, but my life is full and happy.
What happened to you is a tragedy, but you can make it meaningful if you go through the grieving process. Grieve for your dreams that died, and the innocent you that you were. Then you can create new hopes and dreams, and a new you. You belong to an elite club that NOBODY wants to belong to. So now that you are a member, you can share others' pain who are members too. You have been given a gift of compassion. There are so many people who need to know you out there. Helping other people through their grief helps you to heal yours.
Good luck in your journey. I hope you can once again find peace. There is a saying I try to live by..."You cannot have fear and faith at the same time". Good luck to you.
www.myshininglight.com Shining Light Grief Support

Answer 2

When I was just a kid I burned myself on some hot coals. I didn't think of it much right at the time until my father made me put the burn under water. He explained that when you get burned, the burn continues even after the source of heat is gone.

I imagine an attack like you describe is the same thing as getting burned with a hot coal. The first thing you want to do is remove the heat source thinking that it will stop the damage, but it sounds like you understand that this isn't going to solve the situation. You are looking for away to stop the burn that was left over.

Forgivness will come when the time is right. It is an emotion that can't be forced, just like love. In the meantime, to understand that you are still burning and try to find a way to cool the wound. Take back control of your life and understand the value of your feelings and emotions. I agree that involving yourself in positive activities will help to bring order back to yoru life. However, I would not focus solely on areas invlving rape and violence, I think this will only immerse you in the very conflict s that you are trying to get past.

The main thing is to feel good again. This type of attack is normally not about sex as much as it is about demeaning the victim and displaying superiority over them. By taking back your life and your identity you take back what the attacker stole. At that point you may be able to find your way past the event.

Answer 3

Don't worry about feeling obligated by God or anyone else to forgive the creep. If is any consolation, sex offenders are not treated well in prison by other inmates - they often become victims themselves. The wheel of Karma does occasionally grind down the guilty. You could try counseling or going to a support group with any number of organizations - you will find people who have gone through what you have and have found ways to deal with it Good Luck.

Answer 4

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. And they say in things like this, forgiveness is a healing factor.

The Lord tells us to forgive, only because that makes us a better person, we find peace in forgiveness. But.. When our mind is at war, its hard to find the peace in ourselves.

Have you forgiven yourself yet? I know it sounds stupid, but.. You said your self 'All I did was ask for directions.' That says that maybe you blame yourself for what happened. And again we fight with the logical and non logical part of your brain.

No, its not your fault.. And everyone in the world can tell you. But do you REALLY belive it. I would work on you first. As the Lord to give you the strength to forgive yourself first. Work in the you rather then the everything else. Don't beat yourself up over the actions of a weak man. Think about it. That is what this man was, weak.

Maybe it would help for you to pray to the Lord, pray for the man that hurt you. Pray that the Lord gives this man the strength to over come his weakness, and become a good man.

Then write that man a letter. Tell him that you understand he's a weak man. Tell him that you are praying for him, tell him that you pray that God and the Lord give him peace of mind and that you hope he can find the strength to become a good person once he is freed.

I've said it a million times, 'What dosen't kill us only makes us stronger.' You are a strong person, to realize yes I do need to forgive. And your stronger to TRY and forgive. I pray for you and I hope that you will find the peace and forgiveness you despertly seek.

Answer 5

Because he hurt you in a way that cut you so deeply that you don't know how to get past it. I know how you feel. I don't know where you stand with your faith but it's the only thing that I know of to tell you. I don't want to offend you in any way but you have to give it to God. Only He can take away the hurt and pain that you feel right now. He can give you a peace that you can't compare to anything else. He wants us to give all our problems to Him. No one can go through what you went through and make it without Him. Sure they may think they are but deep down they know that they are not. I am so very sorry to hear that happened to you. I pray that all works out and that you find the peace that you are looking for. Instead of talking to a therapist try talking with your pastor. He will have much better answers. Good luck and God Bless!!

Answer 6

I wonder who would be able to get over an attempted rape/murder... Don't be too hard on yourself for having these thoughts and wanting to watch him suffer - there are no wrong thoughts or feelings as we do not choose which ones occur to us, only wrong actions. Consider the possibility that you may never forget or be able to forgive. Was this someone you were close with, someone you know, is that why you are concerned about this?

Answer 7

The answer is- you should not have to give up these feelings. What you should do is turn this aggression into positive outlets: 1) Be proactive- get involed with local security and make sure this sadistic behavior doesn't happen to someone else's loved one
2) Pour that seemingly negative energy into an exercise program

My prayers are with you- in time you will heal, but don't ask yourself to forgive this behavior, ask yourself how you want to deal with it.

Good luck- contact me if you would like.

Answer 8

First off... give yourself a break...it's only been 2 years...that is a short time for what has happen to you! remember, you need to learn to forgive. not for him" but for you".until you can forgive it will make your life miserable! if you can't face his no good a**, write him a letter and tell him how you feel and exactly what it has done to your life! there again who cares about him, this will just allow you to vent. keep a journal and write all you true feelings...don't hold back! and don't worry if you are already wondering about forgiving...you will...when YOU are ready.

Answer 9

You don't HAVE to forgive. But you need to release yourself from what it is doing to you.

Look up on line 'The Forgiveness Project' It's really very good. A number of people tell what happened to them and how they struggle with forgiveness.

Remember forgiveness is a process...a journey, it doesn't have to happen straight away. The anger and violent thoughts you are having are natural and it is your minds' way of trying to come to terms with what happened to you. So don't fear these thoughts they are actually helping you.

Best wishes

Answer 10

I'm sure it's hard for you, but you need to see the positive thing, he tried to do those things to you, and didn't. You need to be glad that he didn't rape or kill you. Pray to god, and be thankful that you have your life, and you have the chance to do the things you want to accomplish in your life. That's the way you can forgive him, and move on in your life. Good Luck, and be positive...