Advice from Atheists please?

Question

At my family holiday celebrations they have a ritual of a prayer circle holding hands and saying grace, praying etc. I do not believe in god so I have always closed my eyes and pictured us all doing the hokey-pokey out of respect and to avoid ridicule. I dont want to do this anymore, so how do I respectfully decline without being chastised for my lack of belief? Or should I care? I dont personally know any other Atheists so I am relying on you guys for help =) Thanks

Answer 1

That's a tough one and depends on your relationship with your family.

Sadly, I don't know much about you or your family, so my advice may not hold.

If your family is fiercely religious, then you may have to bite the bullet on this one. Some Christians are hypocrites and only love those that agree with them. I've heard many a tales of "sinners" being cast out of the family after revealing their atheism, homosexuality, or whatever grievous crime that raises their ire. If you are afraid that your announcement would cause this kind of schism, then you may need to stay in the closet, so to speak. You have to choose between expressing your religious beliefs and maintain familial harmony. If you are willing to speak out, be prepared for a great fallout where you'll be disowned. That way, if you are surprised, it'll be a pleasant one as they accept you for who you are.

If you choose to come out to them, I would suggest avoiding the term "atheist." For some reason, a lot of Christians equate atheism with dancing naked under the moon drenched in animal blood while praising Satan. Whatever. While it doesn't matter what the average Christian zealot thinks of it, your family is a different story.

You may want to say something about how your religious expression is not quite the same as theirs and you do not wish to insult their prayer. Later on, you can explain that your religious expression is simply to appreciate life as one where you are solely responsible for your actions. It seems to be less of a shock to the system when you gradually demonstrate that you are not of your religion rather than flat-out state that you're an atheist. Psychology is funny that way.

Of course, if you live in a small community, then your family may wonder just what religious expression you've learned that doesn't involve them. It'd be nothing they heard of before.

To sum up: Plan for the worst if you tell them. Despite the decree of unconditional love, some Christians don't show their true colors until presented with someone they are incapable of loving. Since you said you don't know any other atheists, I suspect that your family hasn't had to deal with a "black sheep" such as you. It's hard to predict how they'll react. If you plan for the worst, then the reaction you get won't be any worse than you expected.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Well, the way I see it is that if you are an atheist, why even care. You should respect those people and let them do as they wish, so you have two options. 1. Continue holding hands and just go on with it, it means nothing to you and only takes up a small amount of your time. Or 2. You can tell them that you would rather not and ask them to respect your wishes if they insist. If you have led them to believe that you believe as they do though, they may then wonder why you suddenly do not believe and then that will cause tension and questions and all sorts of things you probably do not want to deal with right then. So, if you do not want to do something you don't care about for a minute or two that won't harm you, then I suggest that well before hand you make your beliefs known to your family.

Answer 3

Oh dear, this is not only a social dilemma, but carries with it the potential of causing significant family discord. I know from where you are coming but also sense that you are not out to make a flaming statement to the world about it.
Could you go along with social convention & do the hokey-pokey for a little longer, at least, until you can talk it over beforehand in a considered way with elder family members in a calm environment away from the holidays or family events?
We all compromise with our innersome convictions quite often about all sorts of personal beliefs & thoughts to accomodate others and sustain the social harmony around us, don't we? So, I think that it may really be your call to weigh the potential consequences of your actions vs. any personal hurt of not expressing your feelings in a demonstrable way. (Just as my own personal opinion, I'd encourge you to try to avoid sowing discord as much as possible.)
I waffle, don't I? I'll look forward to reading the thoughts from other postings.

Answer 4

I'm not an atheist, but a Pagan. I would say that unless your family deliberately asks you to pray out loud, just go along with it and humor them. It sounds more like a family tradition anyway more than a prayer ritual.

What you have been doing up to this point shows a lot of respect, tolerance, and patience on your part. I would even bet that quite a few of your family members probably already know your beliefs, but respect you even more because they know that you are "going with the flow", so to speak. I'd hate to see you lose that respect.

However, if they ask you to say grace or pray out loud, just respectfully decline and not make a big deal of it.

Answer 5

What I do, is join in the circle, and do not particularly bow my head or close my eyes. How are they to know, if they are doing so. I honor the family by doing so, and if anyone mentions anything, decline to discuss religion/faith/lack thereof at all during the family get togethers. Just say something like, I don't think this is the time to discuss such matters....How 'bout those Broncos? How many games you think they will win this year, or some other interest you know will sidetrack the person.

Answer 6

- Although I am a Christian, I can tell you that there is no way for you to express you belief without receiving commentary from your family. It's just part of being a member of a family, also, they love you so it will be a big deal. Just get ready for it.

- Be prepared to have a discussion about your beliefs because it will be an unavoidable topic.

- I know it doesn't mean much too you, but I will be praying that you attempt to test the doctrine of the Bible and open your eyes to what's around you.

Answer 7

Tell them you think it would actually be disrespectful to them if you joined in the prayer and pretended. Or just keep on sitting there with your eyes shut.
My family does the same thing and I just go along and sit quietly.
I won't go to church as that would be disrespectful. I will go for a funeral or a wedding, only to support a friend or family member (I just can't skip those, it would be more disrespectful).

Answer 8

What I do in those situations is to thank those who made the occasion enjoyable. No-one seems to mind that. I bow my head, hold hand, etc. I allow myself to be a hypocrite when it benefits me.

In all situations, the best course of action is the one you decide after carefully weighing the costs and benefits. Is satiating your ego really worth alienating yourself from your friends and family? If it is, then go for it. If not, then find a way to feign participation.

Answer 9

Good question, and somewhat of a situation.

First, while your holding hands with your friends, you do not have to pray or say anything. Just hold their hands warmly, close your eyes, smile and think of all the wonderful things you do believe in. Listen to the wind, or the birds sign.

Next option is to just kindly tell them that you feel uncomfortable in doing it, and you don't want to take part in it.

As Atheists we do love and care our friends and loved ones. It is their choice to believe in something that we do not believe in, and it is our choice in what we believe in.

Close your eyes, meditate and you will choose the right choice.

Answer 10

If they know you're an atheist, do what feels best. However, excluding yourself from this may be viewed as excluding yourself from the family. Even I quietly bow my head and sit quietly when the family prays at get togethers. Why make a big fuss about it? Family is family.