why do i feel like this???

Question

I ended my 6 year relationship with my boyfriend a few months ago. we had our own place and lived together. It was difficult for me to end the relationship but i had to. he was very violent and contolling towards me and i knew that this wasnt right. im just starting to enjoy the single life again. Why is it that i still miss him despite all of what hes done?the thought of him meeting and being with someone else really upsets me. why?there is no way that i would get back with him and i am happy that its over but why do i feel like this?

Answer 1

Because we seek comfort in normality and familiarity. You had that with him but by the sounds of it that's all you miss and everyone does when they separate from someone.

You have been brave to walk away and I know its a cliche but time is a healer- give it a while longer and you will look back and realise that its the best thing thats ever happened to you and u will be stronger for it!

Be proud of yourself for walking away and keep him in the past and enjouy your new found single status!

Answer 2

a womans mind is very complex, as I have had a similar experience (married to an alcholic wife beater for nearly 20 years) I know what you are going through. It will take a long time and certainly do not ruch into a new relationship. take time to find what it is about you that makes you happy. a favourite place, a time of day, a sunset whatever. hold that thought untill you feel relaxed and happy. each time you do this you will block out any bad thoughts and only think of the good. then you need to think of the times you were happy with your guy and what it was that would suddenly change him. you will find that your mind will go back then to 'your' favourite thought about yourself and this will help build you up and you will not miss him so much. Sometimes, even after ten years, I miss my ex but then I remember the bad thoughts and suddenly the good about my life now kick in. It takes time so don't rush it. Take care of yourself.

Answer 3

Maybe it's because you still remember the good parts of your relationship and the times when your ex wasn't violent and controlling. It could be that part of you wishes that you could just keep that part of him. Afterall you didn't fall in love with his violent and controlling ways when you first met him.

You may want to hold on to what he was, not what he became. And knowing these things will not change, you made the decision to break the cycle and end it.

I feel the reason you get upset at the thought of him being with someone else is because part of you may wonder what if the new gf only ever sees the nice side of him.

Answer 4

Hi, I am so sorry for what you went through. And I'm very proud of you for having the courage to get out. The reason you feel the way you do is because even though things were bad, in a way it was still safe because you knew what to expect. Now you are out in the world starting all over and you are feeling alone and have no idea what to expect and are probably afraid of getting in to the same type of situation again. You still miss him because you have not yet met anyone to fill that lonesome void, i.e. you were very use to having someone around. The reason you get upset when you think oh him being with someone else is because horrible thou he was he was "yours", and it is hard to imagine him sharing himself with anyone else, because once the bad stuff is over somehow we are very good at only remembering the good times and it is hard to think about him having those good times with anyone else. You need to constantly remind yourself what came between the good times. And hope and pray no one else falls victim to him. Don't beat yourself up for having these conflicting feelings, your confussion is perfectly normal, we all hang on to good memorys and have a nack for forgetting the bad ones. and know, that once one has had a bad experience it is very difficult to trust others again. Please do be careful. There are a lot of nasty people out there that prey on the vulnerable types, and that sounds like where you are right now. And always remember if a little voice in the back of your head tells you something is not right no matter how charming he may be at the moment, believe in yourself and listen to that little voice. Maybe some good counceling would help you get through this and not get yourself in the same situation again, because that is what happens more often than not there is something in some women, (most of which are very good people) that makes them put themselves in the same bad situations over and over again. P.S. If you can not afford theraphy on your own most towns have a local mental health center that charges according to your income. Also if you get a therapist you do not feel comfortable with don't stay with him/her ask for someone else, (it is your right). Staying with a therapist that ticks you off or you just don't feel comfortable talking to, will not do you any good. I truly wish you all the best.

Answer 5

Your not alone. I was in a relationship over a year ago. Started off great couldn't believe i found a man so loving and kind. Shortly after he moved in he slowly became abusive. WiTh words at first, and major mood swings. Talking about women in general and finally saying he had beat women in the past. Ended Labor day a year ago. He held me hostage in my own home, telling me what he was gonna do to me and because all women deserved it. When he was sentenced i found out this was his 7th conviction. I think back to the good times rarely, and wonder what went wrong. Thing is he was doing meth and i was clueless. Don't be stupid and try to see him, he hasn't changed and will try to make you believe he has. And it would be 100 xs worse because you broke up with him. Your not alone there are a million women out there who have been in this spot. It is normal to miss someone you loved, any relationship feels like a loss. Someday you will look back and with discuss wonder what ever made you see this man.

Answer 6

Its because you know no better way to live, you have been with this guy 6 years and now you are on your own. Your doing the right thing by getting on with your life but don't take this man back if he was violent. You know the old saying a leopard never changes its spots. Move on while you can

Answer 7

I guess there was a reason why you were attracted to him in the first place - those thoughts and memories will still be strong with you.

I'd guess there were lots of times when things were going ok - you had fun together. Those thoughts will also be strong with you.

You may not like this last answer. There is quite often a degree of co-dependency in controlling relationships. Although he was controlling, there might be something in you that is looking for that (to a degree).

There isn't going to be a glib answer that will take away your feelings. It will take effort and practice. Concentrating on him, whether it was the good times or the bad times, simply continues to define who you are in terms of him. So whenever he comes to mind you need to actively move your attention elsewhere, and preferably on to something good and something that boosts your independence. It won't be easy. It will take repeated practice.

Answer 8

You spent a very long time with him, and no matter how good it may be that things are over and you can move on it will take a lot of time to truely get over him. It is natural, you are not alone in your feelings here.

Try picking up a skill, take a martial art class. Keep company with a lot of your closest friends. Consider dating again to get your mind off him. Try not to think about him at all if you can help it. It is difficult, but remember how much better off you are now.

Answer 9

6 years is a chunk of time. You have shared and entrusted feelings and emotions with and towards him. You've seen each other in every state possible the good and the bad. You are feeling that you are with out support and that you were dependant on someone emotionally, even if they did treat you wrong they were still there for you....time is what it will take or someone that will show you the better way

Answer 10

You were probably addicted to him and it will take time to break that addiction. You certainly did the right thing and once you meet someone who cares about you and treats you well, your thoughts of him will lessen. He possibly had some good traits and this is what you miss. He is a man in need of some serious help and lets hope he gets it before he tries to ruin someone else's life (which it will) Do lots of nice things for yourself and remember that you are special and you deserve to be treated well.