Why do I feel like I still need to talk to my birth mother?

Question

My father died in January. He was an amazing man who fought for 12 years in court over various things with my birth mother. He remarried and currently I am living with my stepmother because my real mom pretty much abandoned me after he died. She stopped all forms of child support (which were being garnished to begin with). She is also refusing to pay for my college (which she already has 2 years of back-pay on, ordered by the courts). She slanders my deceased father. She says that he was not a good man. She talks horribly about my stepmom as well, even though my stepmom is providing everything for me at this point.
I hadn't heard from her in 2 months until a few days ago. She sent me an email telling me she is having surgery Wednesday. She also said that she "never stopped loving me" and she "forgives" me for not talking to her etc...
I felt obligated to send her an email wishing her well on her surgery. Why can't I and would you just stop talking to her? How do you do that?

Answer 1

I know that she has treated yourself and your father bad. The fact is that she is your own blood and you will always feel that connection to her no matter what.

It just shows that you are human that you want to wish someone you don't get along so well with good luck. I commend you on this. I'm not sure of what the surgery is but if it something life threatening now is maybe the time to have a sit down with her.

I don't think you can stop talking to your parents. I know one friend moved to another state because she didn't like her mother but now they are best friends. I think because you lead that seperate life it will help.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry about your father's death ... I hope time is providing you with the healing that you need.

You've got lots of different and conflicting feelings inside of you, and there's no easy answer. I've struggled with my relationship with my mom for most of my life and now that she's approaching the end of hers, I know time is going to run out. I have to decide whether I want to bring up all the garbage in my life that I can trace back to her... mostly I want to know why she couldn't love me, even though she says she does.

I don't know if it's the same for everyone, but I tend to define myself by my relationship with my mom. There are certainly parts of my life that I've been able to move forward on, and maybe you'll be able to do the same. But I think that bond is incredibly strong, even if it's not a loving, nurturing bond.

I did reach a point where I had to identify the boundaries with my mom .. not completely but in the more hurtful areas. It's helped somewhat because I took back control. It's not the relationship I want, but my choices are to live with what I have, walk away from it all or frustrate the h*ll out of myself by trying to change her, knowing it'll never happen.

I can't help feeling that your mom is probably scared right now about the surgery to come. She's reaching out to you and now the ball is in your court. I pray that this surgery will go well and that her life is not in danger. But in a worst case scenario, what do you want your last memories of your mom to be?

And here's the hard part... try to fast-forward your life by 25-30 years and put yourself in a similar position. What would you want your own daughter to do?

It's not easy, and I've already asked God to guide you as you work through this.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I wish you and everyone with loser for paernts would get over them and appreciate the people who actually care about you. I wasn't raised by either parent and I have my loyalities to the people who raised me. There is a reason she's out of your life! She can't handle being a mom! If you keep wollowing this family drama , you will end up cracking up or going off the deep end. You'll find a vice to take your frustrations out on. Either drinking, or drugs, or overeating, or having difficult relationships with men. You'll have a hard time holding a job, because all associaions are considered temporary...like your relationship with your mom. Forget her. If she gave a damn, she'd pay court ordered child support. That not only "speaks" volumes...it SCREAMS! Appreciate your step mother and find God.

Answer 4

Shes wanting you there now because she needs you. Don't feel obligated if it isnt in your heart to be there. I mean where was she when you needed her while your father died? I'd tell her how I feel maybe for closure. Ask if shes changed and regrets what she's said about your dad and step mom who have RAISED you unlike her. If things turn ugly. I'd use that as closure and say good bye to her. Cut all ties... If she seems sincere it might make you guys closer and you could possible have a real relationship. Good Luck!

Answer 5

It is a difficult position to be in and hard to know why your mother has been behaving the way she has been. At any rate, I think we all seek the approval of our birth parents regardless of the relationship we have with them. It sounds to me like you were brought up to be a sensitive and caring person, which makes it difficult for you to cut your mother off. I think your best bet would be to seek the advice of a counselor. At least with a professional person you can explore the reasons why you feel the way you do. Once you have done that you can make a rational decision about your actions instead of reacting with your emotions.

Answer 6

No, thats ur mom. And rather u want it to happen or not, its like a fcuked up curse that I'm trying to avoid now; but u tend to become exactly like ur parents, even when u r not raised by them. If they had negative traits that pissed u off and u sore never to do that to ur kids; you'll slip and actually do over and over again and won't realize it till ur kids r looking at u the way u looked at ur mom or dad. But there has to be a way out of the cycle, I couldn't find it.

Answer 7

you sound like me, except my step- is my aunt, and the only thing i ever recieved from my bio was a xmas decoration. for some reason we are attached to our bios from birth i guess. maybe going up against surgery she got scared that she may not come out of it and was attempting to make ammends. she may not know how to point blank say i'm sorry. mine can't, but i had a come to jesus meeting w/ my bio and told her; she made me feel worthless, she tried to disrupt my life at every point she could, and that she said alot of things i did not appreciate and I WOULD NOT EXCEPT THIS BEHAVIOR ANYMORE!!!! if she said one more word true or not about my step, if she caused me any trouble or if she in anyway made me feel unworthy, to never speak my name to never speak to anyone who knows me and to never consider apologizing down the line because it would NOT be accepted. and over the past two years we have talked about problems loves blah blah blah, but she knows better than to do any of the above. good luck sometime no speaking isnt the answer, but speaking LOUDER IS! you gotta be heard, i feel for you.

Answer 8

For your sake, do not close the door on her and release forgiveness for all that she has done to you. All the pains, heartaches, and frustrations she might have cause you---

In the end, your conscience will still bother you if you do not handle this well, like what she is undergoing, all of the things that we do will still haunt us through the years to come...

Answer 9

I have no experience in this area, but I think I know why you feel the way you do. There is no stronger bond in the world than mother and child. You began your life inside her body. There is no other way to put it. She is part of you, and you're a part of her.

Answer 10

send her the email just cause she is not the mother you want doesnt mean that you shouldnt be the person you are ........ you can wish her well but be careful about getting to involved...... when ppl get sick they can sometimes see the error of there ways.....or maybe she just hasnt anyone else that can talk to her