Why do I always feel guilty when I have to tell my kids "no" or....?

Question

have to punish them. I know that I make the rules, but I am always trying to be fair with my 2 children. It make me feel guilty to tell them "no" to something and they ask "why" and the only anwer I can really give is "because I said so". How do I get past this guilt and stress from constantly trying to make things fair?

my kids are 4 and 7.

Answer 1

first give them the reason...is it for their safety. for the benefit of learning a lesson..etc..it may not satisfy them but it is far better than i said so. also do not feel guilty..you are the parent not their friend (if more parents realized this we would all be better off) you have to teach them right from wrong..when they get into the real world it will be so much easier for them. you will be much better off then knowing your children are prepared and not disillusioned by your giving into them..i could go on and on but i am sure you will have several answers to help you. good luck

Answer 2

welcome to my world. I think all mothers go through this. But don't feel bad my kids are the same age as yours and i strugled everyday. I try to be patience but sometimes they pushed u to the limits. I try not to feel guilt i know Iam doing them a favor because even thoug u got everything to give to them u can only provide with what it is fair. Kids get used to having a lot and if u can't keep on they will not understand. I grew up in a country where all we got is what other kids from the family coudl give us and sometimes they brooke but i keep the pieces. What I did have was and still a lot of love from the whole family. I have a very strong personality and Iam very tuff wiht my kids.They may not have the best school, or the best car or clothes or even the cooles toys but they do have great parents that will always be there for them to help them every step of the way .That is the most importan gift we coudl give and they'll return the favor in the future and will be gratefull for the way u raised them.Don't feel bad just breath in and out and ignore them when they ask why they do it just to get u mad.Mine do it too. Act cool they'll get over it.Good luck.

Answer 3

First - someone is going to scar your children for life, might as well be you.

Second - all rules have a reason other than mom or dad's personal preferences. If you can't properly couch a rule in terms of safety, convenience, good behavior, consideration of others, etc - then it's probably not a smart rule.

"Be quiet" is because you want them to be considerate of your pounding head.

Third - your children know what the rules are most of the time. My wife had our two daughters (6 and 4) enumerate the "house rules" for her while she wrote them down, and then posted them on the refrigerator. Then, when they broke one, she'd point to the list and say "You KNOW that's a rule." "Why" didn't even enter into it after that.

Fourth - always remember who the adult is.

Fifth - Lighten up. You're gonna give yourself a nervous breakdown if you don't. Kids are resilient - they bounce back, and they're gonna spend the rest of their childhoods TESTING how important YOU think the rules are. With a vengeance. Don't feel guilty now - there will be plenty of time for screaming, crying, and recriminations later. *smile*

Answer 4

I don't know why you feel guilty every time you tell them "no." Perhaps it goes back to when you were a kid? Were you told no a lot, or never at all? Did you feel like your parents didn't like you when they told you no?

Explaining "why" you do what you do can be exhausing if you have to do it every single time you correct them. Try to pull away from that. A fair way to do it would be to say "We can talk about our rules later tonight. Not right now." And then have that discussion with them.

Another way to avoid having to explain yourself every time you say "no" is simply to give consequences for their actions. "If you don't turn off the tv when I tell you to, we won't be able to have the tv on at all tomorrow." It's a logical consequence for their action.

You can also tell them "I don't have to explain WHY I do everything I do. People in your life, your teachers, your friends, aren't going to explain everything either. The truth is sometimes it's not going to be fair. Life is not fair! But we all do the best we can and I love you and am doing the best I can too."

Answer 5

Because you're a good mom, and from the sounds of it, you may even be a single one? Mothers naturally want to please their children, and give them what they want. Perhaps if you are single, you find it even harder to say "no" because you're denying them something that they want, and that is just another something that they don't have. That is totally understandable, and normal. In any case, you must realise that sometimes you do have to say "no", because you need to be balanced with your children, and the only way they are going to learn balance is from you. Instead of saying "because I said so", try telling them the actual reason. This way it's not just because YOU are deliberately holding something back from them (in their mind), but there is actually a reason, and it's for their well-being. If it's in the case of wanting something at the store, and you don't have the money for it at that time, simply tell them " Mommy doesn't have the money to get you this right now, but I promise when I do have money, I will buy you a nice surprize/treat." Then offer something in place of it..." lets go home, and I'll make you your favorite (whatever it is)" or " Lets go home and you can help mommy make (whatever it is), or anything at all that will distract them from what it is that they want at that time. If it's in the case of wanting a cookie before meals, simply tell them that you will give them a cookie after, but you want them to eat their dinner instead of "because I said so". Children understand reasoning far better than you think. It's because they don't, that they insist. And when you tell them reasons, instead of saying "because I said so", they don't look at you as the heavy, but that there are actual reasons, and this will teach them how to properly communicate as well. Don't be too hard on yourself. There is no such thing as the perfect parent, parenting is a learning process. Just remember, you're not being unfair, you're teaching them balance.
I hope this helps.

Answer 6

First, if your only answer is "because I said so" then perhaps you need to re-evaluate your rules and make sure they make sense. You must have a reason for setting the rule in the first place, so tell your child what that reason is instead of just saying "Because I said so".

Second, it sounds like you want your children to like you more than to respect you, but a good parent doesn't care about being their child's friend. Not all parenting decisions are going to be popular with the kids but we make them because we're older, wiser and know better. Stick to your guns and your children will respect you. When they are adults you can be friends with them.

Answer 7

I don't know how old your children are, but there are a few things I learned when going through the toddler/young child stage with my kids, first of all saying the word "no" all the time is different than diverting their attention away from things you don't want them to doing/touching. The other thing is this, if you don't stick your your convictions you will regret later. At this point you are setting boundry lines that all children need in order to learn whats exceptable and what isn't, with you and society. Remember the saying "it all starts at home?" So, when you have to say no, replace it "sometimes" with something they can do. But the word no never hurt anyone. And mom? be consistent, if its no today then its no tomorrow, trust me if your not consistent you will regret it, kids can smell weakness like a shark smelling blood. (smile) please don't be offended by my little joke, its just something that I like to say. No offense, Say no with love....Good Luck

Answer 8

Do you fear that your kids will not love you if you require they follow rules or you do something that isn't fair? You know, of course,that they REQUIRE rules and will be much better off if they have to follow rules and have consequences when they err, right? They can be very persuasive and are experts at sensing your guilt and will capitalize on it if they can. Here's the deal, life hasn't always, every singel time, without fail been fair for you and it won't be for them. Better they learn that from you. They'll cope.

Answer 9

You have to decide if you want your kids to be spoiled, and think the world owes them everything, or if you want them to be responsible people with a good work ethic, etc.

My neighbors never tell their little girl no and we all say, she is going to have a HARD life when she realizes the world does not revolve around her. I have told my kids no 3 times since I started to write this. I am not hard, or harsh, but my son can't play with my stepdaughters hamper and my daughter cannot have cotton candy b4 dinner (thank you grandma and grandpa). I try to explainmyself sometimes, like no candy before dinner, sorry. You can say things like, sorry this makes you sad. Or with my son, when he cried about the hamper, I told him I know he thought he found a neat toy, but that it's not his and he needs to take it back to his sister for her dirty clothes.

To me, no is just a part of parenting and it makes the yeses that much sweeter.

Don't feel guilty and know you are giving your kids the best in the long run.

Answer 10

You're a Mom! As the mother of a terrific 28 year old, I have to say you'll always be a bit unsure you did everything you could. Guilt & stress are part of parenthood. Being a Mom is hard and you need to think about how you're preparing them for their coming years(before you know it, they'll be teens). Praise them for being good, never reward them for being bad(don't ever buy that toy when they whine) and always love them(repeat " I love you but I don't like your behavior!) Finally, relax a bit and enjoy these years-they go very quickly!

Well, one more thing-the best advice my Mom ever gave me is "Life isn't fair"-there were six of us!