How do I tell my mother that I'm moving in with my boyfriend?

Question

I moved back in with my mother after I graduated college, and have been there for a little over a year. She is extremely overprotective and treats me like I'm 15. She is constantly angry at me and telling me what a horrible human being I am, even though I have a job, and I'm in a good relationship, and I help out around the house every day. My boyfriend cannot stand how she treats me, and that we are extremely limited in the amount of time we can spend with each other. He wants me to move in with him, but I don't know how to tell my mother without her turning the situation around on me. Should I just leave? Or try to have an adult conversation, which I know will turn into a fight?

Answer 1

I can totally understand where you are coming from. It is hard when your are transitioning from dorming at college-where you've had complete freedom-to back home where it's a total culture shock. You are a grown women and I think it is best you tell your mother-or if you want avoid confrontation and interruptions write her a letter.

Tell in the letter, you are responible adult and she needs to stop treating you like a child. Tell her that you are thankful she has been supportive of you in order to get where you are but there comes a time to let go. Tell her that the time is now because you feel so pushed against the wall you are now contemplating to move in with your boyfriend because of freedom issues. Also, write that you respect her home and if she doesn't feel like compromising any rules than you will be leaving soon.
In addition add, that you wrote her this letter because you know that whenever you do try to atlk to her like an adult-she never takes time and listen and this ws the only option you saw that you could get a couple of points involved. Good luck, gilr-I've been there too many of us have!

Answer 2

I had the same exact issue...maybe a little different. I was a senior in high school when my boyfriend and I moved into a house together. Things were so bad my aunts offered to pay my rent if i could find a place and get out. I had the same thoughts running through my head. I wanted to talk to her about it but I knew that it would never happen peacefully. For the simple fact I didn't know HOW to tell her I kept putting it off until it was time for me to move. Of course she got all emotional and hysterical because nobody told her I was leaving and even worse that I was leaving w/my boyfriend. If you decide to just leave trust me, if your mom can put on a show like mine she WILL make you feel like you're a horrible person. However, reality is the both of you will get over it. I was only 17 years old so I literally was her baby. Imagine waking up one morning and seeing your 17y/o daughter packing all her stuff. You would be like "hey, whats going on?" I didn't know what else to say other than, "Oh, i'm moving" . It drove her nuts. My mother is an angry, drunk, and sometimes evil black woman with lots of issues (sorry to say but its the truth...I still love her) so if she can get over it....yours can. And I got over it too. We actually have a better relationship now than we did before; we really needed that space. So if you can't find a way to talk to her or maybe if you're too scared. Just know that simply walking out won't be easy....but you will be fine.

Answer 3

First are you moving in with boyfriend to get away from mom? If so, this is a really bad idea. And, you should sit down and talk to your mom about how you are feeling smothered and that the two of you have to let the relationship evolve into adult to adult cohabitation.

If you really want the move and are just afraid of your mom's reaction, then get everything (or most everything) packed up while she is out. Resolve yourself to be calm and kind and understanding before you start. Ask mom to sit down because you have something very important to tell her. Go slow and keep your voice calm. Tell her as simply as you can that you and your boyfriend are taking things to the next level and have decided to try living together. Let her know that you have thought it through and know the living together might not work. Thank her for supporting you after college and let her know that you love her. Give her your new address and phone and kiss her goodbye.

Answer 4

You need to face it and own up to your decision but more importantly stand by it. You want to be treated as an adult then you must act like one - and that means sometimes doing things you'd rather not.

Sit her down and calmly tell her that you have made a decision. You already know that it has the potential to turn into a fight - so don't let it. You can control your reactions and what you say. Don't start screaming and don't get defensive. State it matter of fact. When she starts yelling or telling you how bad of a person you are you just simply say: I'm sorry you feel that way about your own daughter. And then leave. Don't give her the satisfaction of sticking around for her to put you down.

Also - be sure before you tell her that this is what you want. While it sounds like you need to get out of the house be sure you're not running from that into another potentially bad situation as a means of escape. So when she starts yelling at you be strong in your stance and don't let her try and talk you out of it or guilt you somehow.

Last thing - you can turn it around on her by bringing up her issues. That will probably throw her off balance.

"Mom, why are you so angry all the time? Are you not a happy person so you feel like you have to make everybody else miserable?"

"Mom do you feel like you have no control over your life so you want to try and control mine?"

"Are you so insecure about yourself and your life that you need to put other people down?"

It'll probably just piss her off more but turning it on her for once also has it's fun points.

Answer 5

Moms and dads will always see you as their kid. They will get over it when you have kids of your own. Then they'll spoil your kids.

Is you dad around?

If he's not she might be feeling like you're the only thing left in her life that's "family." Also, she may think you are following with her "mistakes" and having to raise you all by yourself, so she wants you to find the "right guy."

How settled are you? If need be can you concievably buy a house? or at least live in relative comfort? If it's yes, then you know you are already stable enough and you are doing well, so moving out should be ok. If you are gonna have to struggle a little to make ends meet, the three things that break people up the most are Religion, Politics, and Money.

That being said, and you still want to move, sit your mom and talk to her like an adult. Do it little by little. Back up if she begins to freak. Bring you BF around more often. let them get to know each other better even if she is rude to him. She'll get used to all of it, and you can slowly move out with as little pain as possible.

Answer 6

Does she treat you like you're 15 or do you act like you're 15? I'm sure she loves you very much and wants the best for you. Before making a big mistake by moving in with your boyfriend try sitting down and talking to her, in a public place that way you can't get into a screaming match. Be sure and tell her how you feel and what you are thinking about doing. If your boyfriend loves you so much why can't he just wait until things are better for you with your mom and if he loves you so much why is he still just a boyfriend and not a fiance? I'm gonna take your mom's side here and tell you to slow down with this guy, remember why buy the cow when the milk is free, I know it sounds old fashioned but when you give yourself to a man you are giving him the most precious gift you can give so give it sparingly....

Answer 7

When you say "try" to have an adult conversation, on whose part do you feel it wouldn't be adult? I'm thinking that though you may feel inddependent, you may still have some childish qualities. OR your Mom may be trying to deal with her own fear of being alone. I would try talking to her in a public place, where she may not be so apt to make a scene. Take her out to dinner and let her know how you feel. You probably should have tried to do somethoing about the way she treats you before resulting to moving in with your boyfriend... I didn't see you write about loving him, so I have to wonder how long you guys have been together.
BUT if you have any reason to think that some time later you may need to move back in with MOM, I'd be careful how you go about this or you might just burn a bridge...

Answer 8

Sounds we have the same mother...

If you are an adult, my suggestion in order to avoid confusion is to just stand up, be a woman about yours, and move out. She will still have something to say about it, because if she is anything like my mother it is her nature, but so what. If you want to live with your boyfriend, then go. Only you can live your life.

You can attempt an adult conversation but I promise you that will turn into a shouting match. So just state your intents, and let her fuss as you pack your stuff.

Answer 9

sounds like your mom is not going to like what you have to say either way you go. But none the less if you are grown and not ACTUALLY 15 then invite your boyfriend over for dinner and you both tell her. it doesn't have to be an arguement but it kind of sounds like you are a little leary about moving in with him yourself and are light-wieght using him as an out from your mother's house. I think if you think it all the way out you will have your answer no matter what us answerers say. But think it all the way out before doing anything moving in together is near as much to marriage. if you do move in with him make usre you still have the capability to pay the whole rent or morgage on your own just in case something came up and you no longer want to be in with him or he with you. Just give yourself options. Good Luck.

Answer 10

If you are moving in with him just to get away from your mom, you may end up with relationship issues. If you really want out of the house, and cannot afford to do so own your on, or would just prefer not to live alone, I would look for a female roommate. You don't want to go from a bad situation at one home to another. I think it is a bad idea to live with a man you are not married to. Good luck. And keep your cool with your mom. If you do leave you don't want to do so on bad terms. Hang in there. I am sure you are strong enough to get past this! :)