can you please help me this is a paragraph from a peice of coursework i'm writing(a novel opening) but it doesn't seem right i don't know what it is it just doesn't seem right can you suggest any way i might improve it or whats wrong with it. no nasty comments please thanks
I was sitting anxiously on my bedroom floor, the door locked from the inside and the music blaring. I sat there with my diary open on the night that it all went so, so wrong. The floor was vibrating and I felt my world spinning dangerously out of control and there seemed like nothing I could do about it. I looked up at the mirror and saw myself shaking uncontrollably, tears streaming mercilessly down my face like an overflowing river. I felt so pathetic, so trapped but I knew I had no right to feel like this, it was my own fault. I needed help and I knew who to call: Kady.
2006-10-17 08:02:05 · 22 answers · asked by pritzy-fairy 3 in Education & Reference ➔ Home Schooling
Locking the door from the inside and whacking up the stereo weren't helping - I was still sick with anxiety. Sitting crouched on the bedroom floor, with my diary open in front of me to that day - the day it all went so very, very wrong - I felt helpless, my world spinning dangerously out of control. Tears coursed relentlessly down my cheeks, and I couldn't control the shudders wracking my body. I felt trapped; trapped by my own stupidity. Suddenly, I knew who to call : Kady
2006-10-17 08:31:45 · answer #1 · answered by Ali C 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If I had written it I would have done it like this. But this is of course your own work. If you like any aspect of mine feel free to use it!!!
I was sitting there anxiously on the bedroom floor, my door locked from the inside and the music pounding. I sat with my diary open at the night that it all went so very wrong. The floor was vibrating with the constant beat and I felt there was nothing that I could do to stop my world spinning dangerously out of control. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and saw that I was shaking uncontrollably, tears streaming mercilessly down my cheeks, like an overflowing river. I felt so pathetic, so trapped and knew that I had no right to feel this way. It was my fault. I needed help and I knew who I must call ... Kady.
2006-10-17 08:31:13 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I was sitting anxiously on my bedroom floor, the door locked from the inside and the music blaring. I sat there with my diary open. This was the night that it all went so, so wrong. The floor was vibrating and I felt my world spinning dangerously out of control and it seemed like there was nothing I could do about it. I looked up at the mirror and saw myself shaking uncontrollably, tears streaming mercilessly down my face like an overflowing river. I felt so pathetic, so trapped but I knew I had no right to feel like this, it was my own fault. I needed help and I knew who to call: Kady.
I've changed a small bit of grammar in the middle. See if you like that any better. Good Luck, Clare. x
2006-10-17 08:20:18 · answer #3 · answered by Clare 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I think the problem is that too many of the sentences start with "I.... perhaps there are too many 'I's' as well.
Also "tears streaming mercilessly" doesn't feel correct.
Bring the impact statement to the front.
Is the "it seemed like nothing" a double negative?
This feels better to me - but I'm no writer!
The night that it all went so, so wrong, I was sitting anxiously on my bedroom floor with the door safely locked from the inside and the floor vibrating in sympathy as the music blared out. As I sat there with my diary open, I felt my world spinning dangerously and hopelessly out of control. Looking up at the mirror, I saw a girls reflection shaking uncontrollably, tears streaming down her face like an overflowing river. Inside, I felt so pathetic, so trapped but I knew I had no right to feel this way, it was my own fault. I needed help and I knew who to call: Kady
2006-10-17 08:49:46 · answer #4 · answered by Bill N 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Stay in voice: "I was sitting" then "I sat" - keep it all the second way. Plus you've said it once - no need to repeat.
don't say "on the night that it all went so so wrong" - you don't have to bust your plot open so early.
The floor was vibrating - from what? obviously the music - say so in some way? what track? is that significant?
then i'd have "I felt my world..." as a separate sentence. Now we are getting to the meat, now we get the atmosphere - this is a fecked up scene here, be very worried, dear reader, bad shoite is going down.
I knew who to call: cliche - can you not say why you're calling Kady? just call Kady. We know why - it's cos you're in deep stoor.
Trust the descriptive sentences, they stand up on their own. They don't need justified by extra bits of information. Don't be too loose with the info anyway; if you're hooking, be classy: we can get it but it will cost us (there, that's my cliche)
PS keep the mirror, the diary, the tears and the shaking!
2006-10-17 08:31:29 · answer #5 · answered by wild_eep 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think it is really good!
If you want to change something (for whatever reason), I suggest cutting out the part about looking in the mirror; unless it is really important to the rest of the story. You'd know you were shaking uncontrollably and crying without having to look in a mirror.
And you might bring the diary bit into it a little more ... why is it important etc.
Only suggestions but you've written an intriguing first paragraph; don't know why you're worried. I'd love to read more!
2006-10-17 08:23:36 · answer #6 · answered by kiteeze 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I would say that you have too many adjectives in there and you are in danger of losing the dramatic effect by overdoing it. anxiously just appears to interfere with the flow without adding any merit to the piece and I don't think tears stream mercilessly in any situation and I am not sure the "so" in front of pathetic and trapped help. Try it without those and see if it reads more smoothly
2006-10-17 08:33:08 · answer #7 · answered by Maid Angela 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It sounds really good to me - just one or two suggestions - 'on the floor of my bedroom', then 'the door' ties up more closely with the word 'bedroom', rather than the word 'floor'.
'with my diary open on the night' - just a little ambiguous - perhaps 'I sat there, my diary open in front of me, on the night...'
Next sentence - you have two 'ands' - could you change one of them?
After 'feel like this' - a semi colon perhaps.
These are all just tiny things - the writing has a really passionate feel to it, and makes you want to read on. I hope this helps!
2006-10-17 08:26:23 · answer #8 · answered by mad 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
it sounds ok to me..but u could try addin more describing words as examiners can ever get enough of them..the more adventurous the ideas the better..for example..is the floor vibrating alot or a little..descibe smells,tastes,sounds,textures and what you can c...maybe you felt so bad that when u opened you diary everything was a blurr,imagine you are the person your writting about and describe EVERYTHING!put yourself in the characters position and say how u feel
hope this helps
2006-10-17 08:33:04 · answer #9 · answered by yummy_mummy 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
OMG that is lovely i dont no whats wrong with that if i was the teacher i would give u a A++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ and so on lol thats brillent wait betta than brillent
Love from me!
good luck kidder its brillent
i neva heard souch lovely words put togever like that i LOVE IT
2006-10-17 08:34:15 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋