My step-daughter moved in with us 2 years ago because her mother couldn't handle her. She was sneaking out (age 11), drinking, skipping school, and hanging with a much older crowd. Since she's been with us, she's on the honor roll, misses school only when she's sick or it's approved, is popular at school and we have a great relationship with her.
Her mother recently moved back from TN and is now trying to control everything my step-daughter does from 150 miles away! Yesterday was her parent-teacher conference which she insisted on attending. Fine, great!! When I got there, she wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise, was rude to both the teacher and myself, and insisted that the teacher call ONLY HER with any problems!! She said her schedule is more flexible! SHE"s 150 miles away!!
I work 10 minutes from the school and my boss would let me take care of anything that needs to be taken care of!
She's driving me insane and I don't know what to do about her.
2006-10-17 07:41:39 · 7 answers · asked by koral2800 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
My husband does have physical custody.
As for trying to keep her mother involved, she refuses to have anything to do with either my husband or myself. She does not feel that working with us is in the child's best interest. She has emotional problems and I'm sure that she does hate the fact that her daughter is not with her. I am not unsympathetic towards that fact, I'm just tired of raising her daughter and being treated like poo.
2006-10-17 09:12:08 · update #1
She also refuses to pay any child support and is living with her father rent free.
(she's 31)
2006-10-17 09:31:12 · update #2
That is such a difficult situation! Especially when your main concern is for your step-daughter (as I can see).
Some suggestions...when your step-daughter moved in was there a change made to the custody agreement? If not, it should be changed so it is clear who has physical custody. If there is joint legal custody, there is not a lot that you can do regarding "mom", but your husband who does have the legal ability to do things can go to the school and put you on as an emergency contact and he can let them know that you are 10 minutes away, acting completely on his behalf, etc...
He doesn't need to say anything about "mom" except maybe, certainly you can call her, but she is 150 miles away and "Koral2800" is right here, acting on my behalf, etc...."
Sadly you cannot do a lot about your step-daughter's mother, except ignore her and continue to behave in the gracious manner that you have been. You can call the teacher or make another appointment to see the teacher with your husband when "mom" won't be there.
Your step-daughter is going to see how well you behave, calm, cool, in control as opposed to another behaviour that is controlling, rude and unkind. It seems to me she will choose to model you and be grateful that you were a woman she could look to and also that you didn't bash her mom, but rather rose above her by your actions!!
Good luck!!
2006-10-17 08:50:59 · answer #1 · answered by seaelen 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you'r step-daughters bio-logical mother is jealous. Sometimes the bio-logical parent isn't trying to be a pain, they just want to be involved in thier child's life. It that can be even more diffucult from so far away. I suggest sitting down with her and your husband and having a conversation, try to reach a middle ground where all the parties involved feel comfortable. Make sure that you are calling her when something does happen, that way she doesn't feel out of the loop. Or even a phone call every few weeks do say your daughter is doing great at school. This may make mom feel more comfortable with the second woman in her daughters life. Unfortunatly it's not always as easy as that, but keep trying your step daughter is the person who makes out good when middle ground is reached.
2006-10-17 09:00:59 · answer #2 · answered by novelwyrm 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As your husband has physical custody/gaurdianship, the father or you should be on the contact form as two main emergancy contacts. The mother should be on the list, but not as main emergancy contact. Usually teachers and school administrative stress this as I know California has a strict policy on contact, as I work for the district.
If she is suppose to be paying child support and she is refusing, I do suggest you have the county notified if she is working, as they will detach her wages. If she refuses to pay child support and feel parent-communicatoin is not important, then I recommend discussing what is the best interest of this daughter. She obviously has good interest with you as her parent and her father. Especially as she turned her behavior around. However, this situation is still not best as the daughter is in a mixture of two complet sets of parents who oppose one another on her development. Her going into teen years with this situation with her mother can make or break her.
It seems her and her mother was clashing, causing her to rebel. Her mother isn't stable and by the daughter's reactions, I imagine the mother was doing "not so good stuff" for the daughter to learn. Children learn from their parents...good and bad things.
She wants to have "Control" as she wants to make it clear she is the parent. That is typical when a "step mother" is present. The bi logical parent gets defensive and wants to "protect" what is theres.
Just keep doing what you been doing and explain to the teachers the situation, as it can help them help you and your daughter find solutions if a problem will arise. Most teachers are trained and understanding to deal with this situation.
2006-10-17 16:18:32 · answer #3 · answered by Mutchkin 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
as a mother who was in a similar position all I can say is try to have some empathy for her. She must feel sad that she lost her daughter and intimidated by you. The dad needs to deal with the exwife , not you who has taken over parenting her daughter. You may have the best intentions, but its not your battle to be fighting.As women we think we can fix everything for our men, if you back off a little .maybe try to be the bigger person, it can only help the child.
2006-10-17 08:53:41 · answer #4 · answered by Suzette 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
So take her to court for child support, all you said is she refuses to pay it, you didn't say if there was a court order mandating it. If it is court ordered then your husbands lawyer has dropped the ball on getting it because they can attach any wages she earns, as well as attach her income tax refunds for back child support.
You need to also remember that this woman is your stepdaughter's mother, not you, and that as long as this child is alive your husband will be tied to this woman whether you like it or not. You knew he came with baggage and issues when you married him, if you weren't willing to accept them then you should not have married him.
2006-10-17 18:45:07 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Talk to your husband and have him talk to his ex. Just remember that it is still her child and no matter how big of a pain in the *** she is, that is still her right. Just stick together with your hubby and do your best, but let your husband handle her.
2006-10-17 08:45:17 · answer #6 · answered by micah z 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if her dad has custody then get a restraining order on her if he have custody u and him need to prove her to be an unfit mother and get custody then she wont be able to have any say in anything.........and between me and you , you need to ***** slap her lol
2006-10-17 08:36:12 · answer #7 · answered by redman5000_2002 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋