My boyfriend is sheltering his daughter way too much?

Question

She's turning 7 and she's made a good friend at school who invited her to her birthday. He's not letting her go because he fears sexual preditors. I've suggested meeting the parents of the kids she's becoming friends with and his excuse is that sexual preditors slip through the cracks. Neither of these parents are knowen preditors. I totally see his point of view and understand he wants to keep his daughter safe. But I also worry about her development and if she' not allowed to do anything without the watchful eyes of her dad or her brother. I have so many great memories of sleepovers and birthdays when I was a kid/teenager and I think every girl should experince those. With sleepovers, I suggested, she can have one at home and he said he didn't want a bunch of kids running around his place. I don't think he's being fair. I told him that when she gets older she could rebel and go behind his back because she's not allowed to do anything. Any tips on getting him to see my point

Ok, I know she' not my daughter but my boyfriend and I are engaged and soon she will be my "legal" responsibility. But that's not the point of my question when most of you seem to think is. My point of the questions is her well being and whether or not he's being too strict. Please keep to answering what the question is really about.

Answer 1

Though a bit extreme, I agree, he is her father. And I applaud the fact that he cares for her so much, as many kids today have disinvolved parents.
I think you should suggest that you accompany her to the party,

Answer 2

First of all I agree with you....sleepovers are fun and he is being a bit unfair. Although I am not a parent yet and to be quite frank today's world scares the s**t out of me too. I believe a situation like this takes time and will rely on a built trust. I thought your suggestion of him having a sleepover at his house was a fantastic alternative idea and maybe with time he may allow it. Have you offered to help so he won't have to take full responsibility of all the girls on his own? Maybe once he has done something like that and he gets to know the parents of his daughters friends then just maybe he will gain some trust of them and eventually let her go. But I definitely see this taking some time!! I am unsure of where there mother is in this picture or how she feels about the situation but I'm sure being a single parent-he feels strongly about his responsibility as a father and will do everything in his power to protect her, and this is understandable. Well good luck and see if you can continue to talk this over with him??

Answer 3

It sounds like he is being overly protective, but in this day and age he has every right and I agree with both of you. I think that he should get to know the parents very well, and sit his daughter down and talk to her about the subject. A sleepover at his house would be a good idea and allot of fun for the two of you as well. Just tell him that you will help with the party and everything should go over well. I know when I was growing up i had the same issues with my parents and I went wild as soon as I was big enough to fight back and I got into allot of trouble. It wasn't good. I Fear that there is an under lying issue he is not saying. A counselor my help.
Good luck and have fun.

Answer 4

Why doesn't he accompany her to the party? He should take her and stay with her. I know you are not the girl's mother but offer to take her so she can go. He shouldn't just shut her out of the party b/c of predators, he should be a dad, and go with her. If you ever been to a kids b-day party, now in days, you'll usually see the dads there. I think you should go over his head. You throw the sleep over for her. She's going to end up hating him. How does she feel about this? Does she cry? Unfortunately many kids deal with situations like this and those are the kids who rebel as soon as they hit college. He will learn that in the future. She'll probably end up being the type that will have a child at an early age or become a drug addict.

Answer 5

I don't have kids of my own, but my little cousins do go to sleepovers (birthday parties) and they are 4-7. Most of the time they end up calling their Mom or Dad to come get them because they aren't use to spending the night away from home yet. I don't believe there is anything wrong with letting her spend the night; however, I would meet the parents beforehand and I would take her over there the night of. I would write down your information and put it in her backpack and let her know that she can call if she needs either one of you. I understand his worrying, no one wants their kids to be harmed, but you can't keep them locked up in the house forever. Let her be a kid, if he doesn't want to have a bunch of little screaming kids running around at his house, then he should let her go to the party. Meet the parents first, ask around about them, there is nothing wrong with being safe, but there is a point of going to far.

Answer 6

At least he is invoved in his daughters life. But you have a valid point. He is teaching his daughter ot go through life out of fear. It would be better to teach her how to defend herself in the very VERY small chance that something might happen. Better to live life and to be aware of what could go wrong, than to be a shut -in later on in life and miss out on the beauty of meeting other people and making friends. I suggest that you suggest that he attend the party as a chaperone, help the parents out and then bring her home. She will have to forego the sleepover this time, but maybe he will get a better sense of the girls parents and loosen up the next time she has a sleepover. And maybe he will make friends too. Every paren needs some friends who are parents too. That is one of the millions of beautiful things about having kids.

Answer 7

I totally understand his concern...and my son is now 16! yes, I worry about my son's friends AND his parents (mostly the parents). We have an agreement that, if ANYTHING weird happens, even the parents fighting and he feels uncomforable, he can call and we'll come get him.

A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD can't do this as easily, and WOULD be more susceptible to sexual predators, or just abusive adults!

What do you always hear when some child molester gets caught: "OH, he was nice as pie! We all love him..." and so on! That's what they DO...pose as nice, kind, CHILD-LOVING fun guys! Then they strike.

Of course, these parents you mentioned may actually BE nice. One way to for your boyfriend to set his mind at east is to get to know them! If he doesn't have time, he could accompany his daughter to the party. (if the parents balk at this, then he SHOULD be suspicious!).

When our son was 7 and had his party, in the middle of the day, OUTSIDE, most of the parents came too!

As for sleepovers, I'd wait til: a) I knew the parents MUCH better and b) my kid was old enough to say "NO" to something questionable and call for a ride home!

As one person above said, it's not like it used to be...sadly.

Also, since you say, "She's not allowed to do anything,"...uh....jus t WHAT is it you think a mere 7 year old should be doing?! They need supervision, more now than ever, even from ordinary dangers like cars, railroad tracks, electricity, poison and of course, abandoned wells!

Yeah, I'm sort of joking, but mostly not! Give the poor guy a break! It's HIS daughter, not yours, and if she rebels later (I wouldn't worry about that 'til she's a teen), then it's HIS problem, not yours...

Don't "borrow trouble", as my mom would say! Let him make the decisions 'til she IS "legally" your responsibility. BTW, what does the mom say? Is she in the picture? You MIGHT be overstepping your bounds, and prematurely at that!

Also: I agree with those above who said that he should be teaching his daughter about "stranger danger" (and sadly, sometimes, "relative" danger, like the over-friendly uncle!) and what to do...what's "good touch and bad touch". She's a BIT young to absorb much w/o being scared,but she needs to know the basics.

Still, I'm firmly against her being set free to do whatever at age 7!

Answer 8

Ugh. Dateline did a lot of good... but it also spreads a lot of paranoia.

He's being lazy. Theres no good excuse for getting to know people and encouraging a child to be socially inclined.

A lot of it has to do with teaching the child whats acceptable behavior in adults, and what is abusive. Get her a cell phone and/or a loud whistle and teach her things like "NO ONE has a right to see her naked unless its the doctor AND mom or dad are there" or " NO ONE should EVER touch her private parts, or EVER ask her to do the same". Its jsut good parenting.

But I agree with you totally. He's causing more harm than good, and being lazy on top of it. She needs to have friends, and learn to socialize. Maybe she could go jsut for the day time part of the birthday party, and come home for night time. Maybe you could go as well just to be there and watch the situation....

I think he's being totally unfair to the child.

Answer 9

You are completely right to be concerned, social experience is key to a child's development. You need to speak to his daughter about it also, and ask her to talk to her dad as well. It is important that he understands he is holding his daughter back. The father needs to become more confident, it is a good idea that he could meet the friend's parents. Suggest a sleepover at your house maybe, or if you live together you have equal rights to allow his daughter to invite friends.
You are certainly not interfering where you shouldn't, please keep trying for the girl's sake.

Answer 10

So many of you keep saying that it's none of her business but I don't agree. Someone needs to speak out for children even in small matters like this.

Maybe you could suggest that he go to this party with her or offer to take her yourself. He has a legitimate concern but I think that not letting her go to a birthday party is taking it a little too far. Seven is still very young and caution is a good thing, but taking it to extremes can be VERY damaging.

As far as the sleepover at his house I think she is a little young still but someday, sooner than later, he is going to need to let her have a social life outside of school. If he's not willing to let her go to someone else's house then he needs to open his doors.

Answer 11

Your concern is right. Perhaps you could suggest him helping with the party talking to the parents and asking if they may need a hand perhaps with handing out snacks or cake. Him being there and able to keep an eye on what is going on may help him over come his fears. He may also need some help himself. Of course sexual predators are a fear that hits every parent. He needs to understand that no matter how close he watches things happen they could happen at school but he doesn't keep her from school.