I am having a hard time keeping my anger under controll. Every time I see him I see his father. I love him to death, but I'm having a hard time expressing that and usually end up getting angry at him instead because of what abuse he suffered at the hands of his father (and from his father's partner.) I am angry with myself about his father, and he looks a lot like his father.
He is 17 but does not have anyone else to turn to (his father is in the hospital, waiting to go to jail), and his mother does not want his custodety. I want to keep his custodety so bad because he is 17..., but I don't want myself to keep getting angry at him..., and at 17 he would go into foster care and in his last year of school, I don't want to do that. Plus, I think that if I give up his custodety, he would think that he is worth nothing because the last person in the world who loves him is giving him up.
2006-10-17 06:41:38 · 45 answers · asked by Lisa X 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
You really do need to come to terms with the fact that this child is NOT his father........... he may look like his father, and that is NOT his fault, but he is NOT his father, he is YOUR grandchild, and he has YOUR blood in his vains and he is YOUR family. You really need to come to terms with yourself for his sake. He is 17 yrs old and right now he needs GOOD guidence more then ever. He is fixing to be an adult and making his own desicions soon enough, and you are playing a VITAL role in his life right now to make sure his direction is a GOOD direction and not one of no self worth or no love to be felt or no self respect, or respect for others for that matter. He is 17 and he is going to do things that you may not approve of, but he is TRYING, with what he has been delt, he is TRYING, wether you see that or not. YOU are being selfish and hateful because you hate his father and you only see his father, you need to seriously look into his eyes and see HIM. He is his OWN person, and his life can be good, despite all odds, or it can be bad because you couldn't pull yourself together and love your grandchild knowing he loves you. And looking past the face that looks like the man you can't stand. His father.
Its not hard to love a child, and see the child for there own person. You have to want to. Your grandchild is human, only human, he never asked to look like his dad, that was not HIS choice, he wasn't given a choice in that manner. You are old enough, and have lived life long enough, to see past this physical appearance and love and raise the boy within him. Blessed be.......
2006-10-17 07:14:44 · answer #1 · answered by shy&gental 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
NO you should not give up custody of your grandson !! what has he honestly done wrong he seems like a pretty good kid !! we can't choose our parents or who we look like somtimes we wish we could but we can't ... and he's already been through so much im sure. he only has one more year before he'll be on his own then he'll have to deal with all the emotional pain he might have inside from the past alone once he moves out and is own his own ! And im sure if you give he away he would feel useless and unwanted if the only person he has in this world just gives him away and even if you tell him how much you love him and care for him and try to make him understand why your giving him away its not going to keep him from being angry at you or possibly holding a grudge against you ! Its his last year in high school his been through alot this is suppose to be one of the best years of his life before Life,Reality,and the Real World slap him in the face . He needs to know that if there's only one person in this world that loves him cares for him and wants to see him succeed in life it's YOU !!!!!!!!!! maybe both of you should get some conseling ! you shold get it to help you deal with the guilt and the pain of the past and hopefully help you not be so angry when you look at him and to heal old wounds and he might need it to heal the wounds of the past because all the mixed up emotions from the past eventually will turn into aunguish and bitterness and have him sitting aroung some days feeling sorry for himself and that could keep him from reaching his full potentiol in life ... if his father was an abuser im sure he used physical and emotional abuse so he could also need help reversing those negative thoughts he might have about himself remember it's not easy for males to express themselves and how they are feeling .... so please consider what i said
2006-10-17 07:15:17 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
NO! don't give him up! don't give up on the opportunity he has to be someone better than his father! don't give up on the separate love you have for him! and don't give up or give away the chance you have to share your pain with someone who can understand.
chances are that he's just as angry with his father as you are. talk with him about it. let that common ground become a common bond. it sounds like all you two have is each other realize that potential.
Anger is a strong emotion and misplaced anger is even stronger, but your love for your grandson is stronger than any thing you'll ever feel for him.
look past his looks and see his character, see that that is who he is, not his father. find another outlet for your anger towards your son.... write a journal of everything you want to say to him.... talk with a close friend about him.... go into your room and scream it all out into a pillow... do whatever will work for you to find an alternative way of releasing your anger.
it's not your grandson your mad at and he needs to know that. tell him you love him... tell him you want him... tell him he's worth world... and tell him he's not his father and that he can be anything he dreams of being.
(now he's 17, it's very well possible he's going to look at you like your crazy, BUT sometimes encouraging words take longer to seep in so just keep telling him...)
2006-10-17 07:38:25 · answer #3 · answered by Raven 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetheart I know exactly how you feel. My daughter was molested by her father, and is now in jail because of it. Everytime I looked at my daughter I saw him, and my failures. Your really angry at your son, but the person you are most angry at is yourself for feeling in some way you failed him as a mother. Your grandson being your responsibility is a constant reminder of this. Should you give up custody, no. He needs you just as my child needed me I had to overcome my own pain, so that I could help her. I had to let go of what I thought was failure, and hold one to something that had a chance to be a success. If you send him away it will riddle you with guilt. Sit down explain it to him, and tell him you know it's not his fault, but I am so angry with your father,and with myself. Let him know you are not a pillar of strength, that you are a person as well, in doing so you will earn his respect, and his patience to not feel that your anger is a direct attack on him. And with honesty you both may find ways to deal with such a horrible situation. It's ok be angry. Your anger is what can be turned into as fuel to make it better. You have a hard role ahead of you, belive me I know. But in time the feelings of doubt, anger, and failure will heal.
I wish you well
2006-10-17 07:02:10 · answer #4 · answered by fryedaddy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should'nt be thinking about giving up custody of your grandson, that is your own flesh and blood, and it his parents are giving up on him, he doesnt need you to also give up on him. Its not his fault that he looks like his father and what his father did is also not his fault. He just needs someone he can count on to be there for him. Be that person grandmother. There are some support group you can get into. There are alot of grandparents out there raising their grandkids. You are doing a great thing taking on this responsibility and you will be rewarded but dont give up please. Try and come to grips with your anger and what happened in the past, there is nothing you can do about it now so look for brighter things in the future for you and your grandson. Talk to someone if necessary
2006-10-17 07:56:49 · answer #5 · answered by Crystal W 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to stop looking at him in the way you do. You are hurting him more then you think and to give him away HE IS NOT A DOG. He is his own person and just because he come from bad people doesn't make him bad. And if all you see in him is the bad the you shouldn't have toke him. He is a life that is right now tring to find himself and you not helping. You have to show love for him to learn love. Right now he is looking at you to help him know that he not like them and he's better than them.But what your doing is telling him all the time he's just like them. And that is something he fight every day not to be. You're telling he's a won that fight. You may not say so but your looks and words say more than you know. It like they say verbol abuse is worse the mindal because the mark go away but the words always replay and never end. So please thing before you speak.
2006-10-17 07:32:35 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello, well this is a good one. I am gonna have to ask if you have had any counseling? If he is 17, he'll be 18 soon and then you can let him go on his own. It seems you bad already. You might make him really dislike you if you sendhim away now. Sounds like you do have a heart. You may never see him again. Talk to a counselour, calm down and hang in there. It will be worth it in the long run! Good luck
2006-10-17 07:04:09 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Set your feelings aside, take him in, he is after all, your grandson. No matter how much you hate his father, they are 2 different people. And you did mention that this would be his last year of school, wouldn't it be nice if he has nice memories of living with his grandma during the final years of his school, instead of being in a foster care. You don't want him growing up bitter, do you? Or be like his father.
2006-10-17 07:44:44 · answer #8 · answered by Hanna 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your heart is in the right place. I don't understand how you can get mad at him over what his father has done especially when he is the victim of his father's abuse.
I would seriously get some counseling and learn ways to deal with this young person in a more positive manner. He deserves it.
Otherwise help him get on his own two feet in an apartment on his own away from your abuse and the abuse from the rest of the family. Let him know that you will help him in any way you can.
2006-10-17 07:23:37 · answer #9 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You love him. He is him not anyone else. You need to look past the facial fetures. Let him graduated. And let him turn 18. you cant hurt him like that because of his parents. thats just wrong. Besides you are his grandmother. His no baby his old enoughto understand whats going on. And he can also help you out just like you are helping him out. Stop thinking of his father every time he walks in a same room as you.
He would think his worth nothing you said. What do you think people or him are going to think about you if you do that?
2006-10-17 06:54:24 · answer #10 · answered by you_me_set 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋