Help with Mother In Law?

Question

My mother in law has 6 grandchildren but only treats the biological one like a true grandchild. Out of the 6, three of them are ours...two of mine from a previous marriage and one that we are adopting. I have argued with my hubby about this and he is in total agreement with me that she "should" treat them all the same, but alas she doesn't. I know I can't make her love my children, but what can I do about everytime I turn around she is talking about the only grandchild that she has, but then she will complain that my children won't call her grandma...she didn't even get them b-day presents this year...

Wow, lots of answers quick. We have told her / talked to her with no luck. My hubby and I have been together for nearly 6 years and married for more than 1/2 of that...

Oh, let me verify that the bio child doesn't belong to us, so all of mine / our children are alienated. The bio grandchild is a nephew. Sorry, for the confusion

Answer 1

OMG! I'm so sorry that you have such a crappy MIL. My own mother was the same way. I remember the first Christmas after my father died (no doubt to get away from the old bat!) she told me that she was giving her grandchildren money for Christmas: $50 for each birth grandchild and $25 for each non-birth grandchild.

"After all," she sniffed, "they're not my REAL grandchildren."

It occured to me then what a hateful woman she was and how she would never change. It wouldn't occur to me until later that the "fake" grandchildren were always aware of her disdain. And it broke my heart.

In the end, two of her sons (the two with the step-children, who were not her REAL grandchildren) simply stopped bringing their wives and thier children around. Then, eventually they stopped coming around as well. And my mother, in true form, never could figure out why.

You are in a terrible situation and I don't envy you it. But I can tell you this: you mustn't subject your children to this hateful little protectionist. They deserve better. And so do you. Find other, surrogate grandparents for these kids, I'm sure there are plenty to choose from. As a foster parent...and a blended family, you know full well that sometimes DNA is over-rated...create your own familial network, stacked with adults and other children who can remind your kids of their worth.

Like I said, it wasn't until much later that I discovered how much damage my mother inflicted on her "non" grandchildren...don't wait until your own children start to bear the scars....


Oh, and a special message for the likes of you, Thumper: no grandmothers don't HAVE to do anything...they can act anyway they want and love anyone they want...and buy what they want for whom they want. But they ought not expect to be called "Grandma" for very long. Good grief, what an old battle axe!

Answer 2

That's a difficult question and it happens all the time. I'm sure that you, as a mother of foster children, cannot understand how people can treat children differently from one another, but you are obviously a very caring, open minded person. Some people are not aware of the damage they can cause by acting the way that your mother in law does. Have you spoken to her about it? Sometimes the best way to get results is to talk to the source of the problem...she's just a person after all, the worst she can do is get mad and I've never seen anyone have a fit they couldn't get over. Perhaps try to explain the situation from a view she's maybe never thought of. I'm sure she's proud to be a grandmother, but she should realize that it's better to be a good person. If she still cannot understand or accept all kids and treat them equally then I would say...is this the kind of person you want around ANY of your children? You're right, you cannot make her love them, but she can treat them the same and equally or make the choice to not be a part of any of their lives. It's hurtful for the other kids, and children cannot understand irrational behaviour like she's showing. If she buys for one, she buys for all...no special treatment. If she doesn't want to buy gifts (of equal thought and/or value) for all the kids, then make it a point to always return what ever she gives you for the biological child. Show her that she's being immature and that that behaviour won't be tolerated. Ultimately it's her choice...will she brain up and be a part of your lives, or not.

Answer 3

I don't understand how 3 of them are yours and your husbands, and yet they are not your mother in laws bio grandchildren. I do understand that two are yours from a previous marriage, and the one that the two of you are adopting.

I think the grandmother is wanting the children, all of the children to call her grandma. She may feel a distancing between her and the other children, and she may even be feeling resentful to your husband that she only has one bio grandchild and that is your Nephew. Although you have nothing to do with that, she may be having a hard time understanding why you are adopting and not trying to have a child together. She may be in strict denial of this, and that is why she is always talking about her bio grandchild. She is being hurtful to your husband, and not realizing that she is being hurtful to the children in your family as well. Sometimes the best medicine is simple acceptance and love, when she is unable to. I would have your children, all your children, get her cards on holidays and little gifts and just spend time with her, as they can. She will take a little while but she will come around. A child's love is the hardest love to deny. She is needing her resenting fire to be put out, and not with more flames, or talks, but with actions of acceptance even if she has no acceptance at this time to give. I hope this has helped. Blessed be........

Answer 4

It's not hard to figure out but non-blood relatives does make a difference. I am marring a man that has 3 children as well as I have 3 children we are as fair as we can be, the love I have for my children will never no matter how hard I try be as great as the love for his children. Your mother in law plain in simple is just not a very mature or sensitive person. We all may grow older but it doesn't mean we grow wiser! I would maybe show her in some way how it feels. If you can't explain it to her and she understands then for some people it takes having the same situation put on them so then they can see what it feels like. Maybe step back a little and not make her an important grandma just make her another person in your life, let your mom have all the glory and let her see if she could be fair how you would be as fair. Some people have to wear the shoe to see how it fits and then realize it's not the right fit.

Answer 5

I am lucky that my mother in law is sooo accepting. I am sorry to hear about your situation. When I married my hubby I had a 6 yr old from a previous marriage. My son has always been accepted as a grandchild. Her other son is also married to a woman who had a baby before they met and their daughter is accepted as well. My ex husband's family doesnt accept my son as their's. I am glad that he has his step dads family.

I would talk with her and let her know you and your hubby feel. If she has some hangups, she shouldnt take it out on the kids. They are innocent in this. I hope everything works out. Good luck with your adoption.

Answer 6

Playing favorites is nothing new. The fact that only one child is biological is almost irrelevant. You cant really change her, but the next time she asks why they dont call her grandma, you can tell her that they dont feel like she accepts them (maybe because of the way they see her treat the one grandchild). You need to be straight up because we are talking about her hurting your childrens feelings. Stand up for them.

If you have already voiced your concerns with her and she has changed nothing, maybe try spending less time with her will help. Why set your kids up to get hurt? Then when she asks why you arent visiting as much, you can tell her why.

Answer 7

sit and talk with her. have you and your husband do this. not so to gang up on her....but might hit home better if its also coming from her sons mouth. that if she expects them to call her grandma then she needs to treat them like grandchildren and not outsiders. as your husband has accepted these children as his own children she needs to make more of an effort to do the same. that if she cant' respect this and treat everyone equally then i would hold off on going over to her place very often. i would talk about this with your husband ahead of time though. personally i would not subject my children to this behavior just cause it my husbands mom. my main concerns would be the children. they did nothing wrong to deserve this behavior and treatment from anyone. i'm sure she will feel there absence and will think it over if she is forced to spend time away from them. but always i put my childrens well being ahead of hers. she's a grown woman and can handle it. they are not.......and are still developing the skills in learning how to deal with situations. not doing anything about it is telling them its ok for people to treat them like that. even her biological grandchild. keep him/her away from that treatment. good luck to you and your family

Answer 8

ok i have lived in this situation i have a daughter from first husband and then i had two more boys from my second and the grandmother of the boys did this the whole time she has like 6 and there all around the same age 6 grandkids and she treated my older daughter like that and i'am here to tell you it will probley never change the fakness of it will come to when they get older there now all teens my oldest daughter never really cared cause i installed that and never say there half brothers and sisters i never did even though she tried it's alot to do at home to don't let her influnce them. So good luck and let the other two know there as inportant as the others,and whatever you do,don't let it bother you cause they can see that to,take care.and good luck keep your head high.

Answer 9

Try this: have your husband talk to her alone have him say "Mom I know you are upset about the kids not calling you Grandma, this upsets me too. These kids biological father's can't be the dad I know I can be to them. When you treat them differently it makes me feel like your are saying that I am not the best dad for them. That makes me feel less than a son I thought you would be proud of. I am taking on a hug responsibility to raise these children with the values and morals I was raised with.I wish we all could be a whole family. The kids are MY children, I have accepted that and will always treat them that way. It makes me feel terrible to have to explain to them why they do not get birthday and other gifts or greetings from you like your biological grandson. I don't know what to say and they do not understand. They believe you to be their family but when you do not include them they do not understand. I can't let my children hurt this way. What do you suggest we can do to work this out?"
Let me know how it goes with a posting or something.

Answer 10

I am really lucky - my mother in law has never "alienated" my son, who I had before her son and I married.

I know it sounds cruel, but maybe if your kids didn't get her anything -- and when asked why point out that they aren't her grandchildren, as she has made clear? Maybe then she will see how she has messed up, and is missing out on a great thing.

Wish you the best with this -- my mother was that way with my brother's step kids and then my firstborn was handicapped, and she wasn't happy with that, either. Said I couldn't even give her a proper grandchild. She died before my second child was born, and missed out on a lot, and spent way too much time bitter. Hope your mother in law wakes up while she has time to enjoy all of her grandkids!