The man is 12 years older, married twice, was her councilor at a "not to be named" youth club for 5 years (age 13-18). The club was very active with outdoor activities, camping, mountian climbing, hiking, and boating. She spent one weekend a month and 6-8 week long trips every year with the club for 5 years. He is the only man she has ever loved or dated, she moved in with him at age 19 and has been living with him for the past 18 months. She always had a crush on him. They had a great friendship, but after she turned 18 and was attending college she told us the relationship had changed and she moved in with him. My wife and I do not believe any person with the responsiblities of guiding young minds should ever use that influence to build a relationship for the future. We never want to see this man again. I have no intentions of going to the wedding. Do I try and get past this or do I continue to make a statement that the relationship is wrong and I do not approve?
2006-10-17 01:36:55 · 20 answers · asked by K K 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I agree that it is wrong to use such a position to engage in a relationship of that manner. However, now you must decide if you're willing to potentially lose all contact with your daughter to remain standing on that moral ground.
It is impossible to give my opinion in one way or the other as I do not know this man. As an outsider though I want to say TRY and work through this to maintain a good relationship with your daughter. It's a terrible thing to lose her just because this man has become a part of her life like this.
You can let her know that you're uncomfortable with this (or if you can tell her you flat out disapprove and still make it work that's okay) and then be there to support her.
My whole point is that separating yourself from her will not help her in any manner, and if she's committed to this man then there is nothing else you can do but be there to help because I know that is what you ultimately want to do here.
I hope things can work out for you all. Family is the most important thing in life.
Best Regards,
Zach
2006-10-17 01:55:33 · answer #1 · answered by Zachary B 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree largely with drumrb0y. Although I don't think he's a good influence, and being her counselor as a teen makes it sound like something was going on while she was underage, you won't MAKE her leave him.
She'll find out soon enough what kind of person he is and that 12 years at the age of 19 or so is a HUGE gap. One or both of them will VERY likely want out of the relationship in a couple years.
If you can prove they were together while she was underage, you could get him arrested for that, maybe. Or you could at least report him to that youth club.
2006-10-17 10:38:49 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you can sit her down and let her know nicely how you feel gently and express your concern (no tone raising!) and if she becomes defensive, leave it there until she's willing to talk about it.
you should attend her wedding, it will just break your relationship with her if you don't go as she will see you as unloving and unsupportive of what is important to her that makes her happy.
can't change her if she doesn't want to change. all you can do is be there for her. also remember to live your own life as you can't expect life to go your way all the time, there's bound to be things that are out of control, so if you have done your best to guide her to the door you think is right but she wouldn't take it, get on with life and be happy for her. (would you rather be holding this grudge and ruin your relationship with her and can't change anything or be happy for her, still good father and daughter relationship and actually able to help her when she needs it?)
2006-10-17 02:13:54 · answer #3 · answered by Spidergurl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As much as I hate to say it: She is an adult, she has to learn from her mistakes. At some point she will realize he is no good for her, then again, you may be surprised and he may make her very happy. You need to support her decision, love her and just let her know that you are there for her always. Keep the door open that way if it goes badly, she knows she can come home and have a someone to cry on. Also remember if you turn your back on her, you could turn your back on any grandchildren you may have.
2006-10-17 01:50:44 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your story is very patetic. It's very bad that the man to took emotional agvantage of your daugther. Try and talk to your daugther. Let her undersand that your objection to the wedding is for her own good. Your concern is out of love and not to kill her joy. Let her understand that a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage. Let her exercise some patience the righ guy for her must surely come. Best of luck.
2006-10-17 02:01:42 · answer #5 · answered by kooldemand 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your reaction is way overboard. Your daughter is an adult and it's her life, and she can make deicisons for herself. She clearly loves this man and maybe he fell in love with her too? You can't help who you fall in love with. If this guy isn't right for her then it's up to her to find that out for herself as it's HER life. I think you're being very childish refusing to go to the wedding and saying you won't have anything to do with this guy. You're focussing on your feelings and putting them before the happiness of your daughter. At the end of the day she's your daughter and you can never replace her - is your hatrad for this guy really worth more than your love for your daughter? If you continue to wage war on him it's likely that your daughter will chose him over you and then you would've lost everything - and for what? The sake of bitterness? I think you need to look at what really matters in life before all you end up with is your own unhappiness.
2006-10-17 02:40:39 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get past this.....Your daughter knows how you feel and doesn't seem to care. So not going to the wedding is only going to reinforce her dependence on a guy you hate. Go to the wedding...give them a gift...even if you grind you teeth off gnashing them......are you willing to give up all contact with your daughter? You are only alienating your daughter by not attending. If the marriage is meant to be it will last..if it eventually falls apart she will at least have a relationship with you that has been preserved and someone to catch her when (and if) she falls - and...if it does, please don't say "I told you so".
2006-10-17 01:51:21 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your child is your family. You'd turn your back because she made a bad decision? I think you owe her the respect in her decision, attend the wedding. I know it won't be easy. Let her know you love her. When she gets older, she'll really appreciate your handling of this situation.
Mine kids could care less if they spend time with us these days. But that's another story. Good luck!
2006-10-17 02:27:59 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Even though you don't agree with what she has decided to do, still be there for her. If you have already told her how you and your wife feel leave it at that. Hopefully she will see before saying "I DO"what point you have been trying to get across to her. The more you tell her you're against it the more she will wan to be with him. I don't know if you pray or not, but just pray that God will open her eyes to see the BIG picture.
2006-10-17 02:14:17 · answer #9 · answered by pooh 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
u support her if u don't u will lose her she is 18 so she is legal if she is making a big mistake with this man she has to experience that for herself wait and watch and u will see the story doesn't always have the ending that we think it should have at the age of 18
2006-10-17 02:06:28 · answer #10 · answered by rogshona 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋