I'm falling for her, but she's got previous drama?

Question

I've been seeing this girl recently, we're not in a relationship, but we're good friends. I like her alot, and i've made no secret of it. We hang out sometimes, and she wrote me a letter, saying she likes me, but she's got drama from an ex boyfriend who had abused her (he hit her a few times, nothing like rape or anything). I think i'm falling for her, and she's attracted to me, but she's not completely over him yet. I want to give her time, because I'm almost positive that this relationship will be worth it. Problem is, should I back off a little bit and let her deal with her problems, or should I try to help her through it.

Answer 1

You can do a little of both actually. I was in an abusive relationship and the damage never goes away - but the pain does. I still get nightmares about it sometimes but my ex stalked me for years after. And it was the worst extreme of abuse to almost one of those tragic stories you see on the news..

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder now - a really increased startle response - jump at little things, cry very easy, etc - flinch every now and then.. kinda sad but none of that means I can't be in a relationship and love someone. I will say that right after we broke up would not have been the time to get into someone else because it may have just been to hide my pain or to try to get over him. You don't want to get started in a relationship with someone - as you know - unless she is ready to do that and can move on from him and that may take some time.

A good sign is that she seems to trust you and open up - confide in you..some women who were/are abused cannot do that anymore.. they are too scared to get close to someone so it does sound like she is working on it.. The biggest struggle for mewas the wondering how when I knew this man loved me - or at least he said he did - but I still believe in his own sick way he did - could he do those things to me.. that is what I got stuck on for a long time.. that is what hurt me - that is what I had to try to get over -

I do get scared sometimes now - if my current bf who I have been with for almost 5 years now hits something in the house or gets mad - I get scared but I know that he would never touch me - ever.. he just is not like that.. The signs with my ex were there.. but I was not "that girl" - I would never of let that happen to me - but I did - and that to me was also one of the hardest things to get over.. how I was so blind - how I accepted that - how.. why?.. those were the things that I struggled with.

My advice would be to give her some time but not to back up so much that she may think you abandoned her and lose trust in you - I woudl tell her that you are there for her and that you won't ever hurt her - not the way that he did and that you want to show her how to have a healthy relationship with someone and help her see that she can be happy and trust again - that none of the things he did to her were her fault - that he needs help. I would support her and tell her that you are there for her and that she is worth waiting for - and she probably is. Most of us have some type of "damage" or "baggage" - and that is part of loving someone else - accepting those parts of us that aren't perfect and that need some work or that may be scared and it sounds like you are willing to do that and very sweet.. I think you may be the perfect guy for her to see the world with now - to trust and love again - to protect her and show her by actions and not just words that everything will be ok.. just let her know you are there for her and that she can trust you - she will see it.. words with us tend not to mean that much because those men said so many things..so many "sorries and I didn't mean tos" - so words are empty sometimes after all of those times the actions showed us the opposite so your actions are really important - but you can be there for her and give her some time at the same time.. you don't have to chose one.
:o)

Answer 2

Marriage is hard work and you need to make sure the 2 of you are communicating with each other. I too got married last year to my long time bf. The day we got married was our 11th year anniversary of being together and it seemed like the moment we said I do, everything changed. I love my husband with all my heart and I would do anything to make my marriage work but there are times that we don't get along, we disagree terriblely, but at the end of the day I still love him just as much as the day I met him. I have wondered sometimes if this was a mistake, but I believe we are together for a reason. Some guys think that once you are married, thats it , they don't have to do all the things they were doing before and that's not true. Remember this, the same things you guys did to get each other can also be the thing that causes your marriage to end if you don't continue to do those things.

Answer 3

You should be there for her because this is the time that she needs a friend to help her through this diffcult time. Just let her know that you do have feelings for her but you want to help her work through this breakup so that if the two of you do pursue a relationship she will not have any second thoughts because she will have worked through all of her issues with her ex and then the two if you will have something better than just a relationship you will have a friendship that will have blossomed into a healthy realationship.

Answer 4

Do give her some space. depending on her age and experience she might not know she needs it but she does after an abusive relatinship, and believe me its the words that last the longest. She will be a stronger wholer being if she feels like she got through this on her own and gets the oppertunity to reinvent herself before customizing to a new relationship. However few girls in this position would ever forget that wonderful friend that was there when she needed him and patient and helped her not to be soo lonley and then when its time. make her wait, not long just a week or two after she wants to and then bam you got her. My man made me wait for sex and i thought it was the awesomest coolest unique thing to do it really made me feel something special towards him and us. good luck man

Answer 5

Yes, back off....if you try to help her through it, then you'll end up being a friend that watches the next guy slap her around.

Tell her that you want to be with her, but for her sake you'd like her to seek some counseling to help her get past the abuse. That doesn't mean you have to wait years....as long as she's taking this step, it means she's getting professional help and not leaning on you for what she needs in this area, giving you 2 a better shot at succeeding.

Answer 6

I would back off. If this guy is beating her *** he'll be alot harder to get rid of than she thinks. Plus it could cause problems for the 2 of you in the long run. Give her some time to make sure ALL her drama is over.

Answer 7

Ask her what she would like out of this relationship. Also, tell her that you will be there if she ever needs to talk about the other relationship. And be there without jealously, just pure caring for her. Then let her come to you for help. Don't push. She needs to know you're there without feeling you are smothering her on this issue.

Answer 8

You seem like a really great guy. That's nice of you to offer her help in solving her previous relationship issues. But for your own safety as well as hers, don't get involved.

It's between him and her, let them resolve their issues. Just wish everything goes well. The only help that she should get, if anything goes wrong or gets worst, is professional help. Perhaps you can offer her to get some professional help.

Answer 9

OK dude, in relationships, what you think about is:What can I do for her? This is the whole idea, so if you want to be with her, you'd better be there in the hard times, too. Dating is not for 'fair-weather friends.' A girl appreciates someone that i willing to help.

Answer 10

Help her through the relationship, but don't be pushy about the relationship part of it. If you help her through it and listen to her vent and such, she will always remember you helped her through it. I just hope she's not a drama queen and always looking for that in her life. If she is your in for a rough ride.