guess who's coming to dinner?

Question

my bf is white and i'm african-american. lately, i've found to be refered to as the "black girlfriend" to his friends. recently he revealed to me that he was singing a rap song around one of his friends and they told him that he was so white then he responded "what, i have a black girlfriend." i don't want to be overly sensitive but it's little things like that and other little things he says that bothers me. there was another incident where i had spilled some chocolate onto my skin and he told me not to worry about it because it would "blend in." i don't believe he's a racist but sometimes he comes off as ignorant. we both come from a very non-diverse town and the college he is going to is not helping the situation. he doesn't have any african-american friends that i know of. i told him about how this bothers me and he says that he's just joking but it just feels as if i'm the black girl that he's dating to show off to everyone, as if it's so alluring to see what it's like. any advice

idk, i try to tell my friends about what he says, most of whom are caucasian, and they just shrug and say, "well, he's just being a guy." i'm afraid they don't get it either.

he's made semi-racist remarks about other races to me in the past. but he is a great guy with a good heart but i just think living in our town made him ignorant. now he's living in a college town that is well known for it's racism towards certain groups.

Answer 1

How long have you been dating him? Typically men are immature no matter how you spin it sometimes but I think you need to sit down and talk to him. Tell him straight out that it offends you and you will no longer tolerate it. If he respects you, he will respect your wishes.

If he continues this, leave him in the past. You have enough on your plate with school you don't need an immature man to get in your way of achieving your dreams.

Answer 2

You need to take a step back and strip off every layer of your relationship. Strip off the friends and families and their opinions, strip off the non-diverse town, strip off the the color of your skin and his skin. Now look at the two of you, do you really like and do you feel he really likes you?

If the answer is no then problem solved. But if the answer is yes you are going to have to prepare yourself for the stares and for the jokes. You also have to let your boyfriend know that his little jokes make you uncomfortable and self concious and that it is hard enough to have a relationship and the fact that you are in a bi racial relationship he needs to be a little bit more empathetic and sensitive about what he says of does.

At the same time, you should try and make a few jokes about it yourself and prove to him and his friends that you are comfortable in your own skin. I am indian and have had a longterm white boyfriend, and when i met all of his friends for the first time they were joking about something about us and i said, "oh how embarrassing, i would blush if i could" and not only did it make them laugh, but it broke the ice and really help the conversation flow between us all. It's my line but i give you permission to use it whenever you want!! :)

I hope i helped, and i wish you both all the happiness in the world!

Answer 3

I can't believe the comment about the chocolate and he's still walking! Young lady, you have got to have more respect for yourself. I understand the whole "newness" of dating someone of a different racial background, but ignorance and rudeness should never be tolerated. Every white man out there is NOT like that. You need to find someone who isn't just having fun with his little trophy. You need someone who can find more things to concentrate on other than your blackness. He might be a good man, but he's got a lot to learn. Are you prepared to be his little guinea pig? Because there are going to be many more significant issues coming up in the future and you all need to be able to deal with them like two responsible and respectful adults. If he will disrespect you like that in front of his friends, why not any place else???

Answer 4

Well, I have a great bf who comes from the mountains (a hillbilly) and we laugh about our differences and the cliches that go. He's a "hillbilly" and I'm a "flatlander" from corn country. In that sense, I don't think it's taboo to tease each other in good fun and love. However, if it really feels to you that he's dating you for his own ego boost, you should bow out gracefully. If that's the case, of course, he's not with you for the right reasons. You deserve more respect that. You're not a trophy, although you are a treasure, and the type of man you choose to be with, regardless of skin color, should make sure you know that he acknowledges that fact.

Answer 5

He sounds a little bit racist to me. I would suggest dumping him, since he obviously is too immature to appreciate you. Have you told him that these things bother you? If so, has he kind of brushed it off as nothing, saying you're being too sensitive? It seems that, if he can't be more sensitive to your feelings, that he's really not a very good boyfriend. Get out while you can!

Answer 6

man how annoying! do you want that for the rest of your life? or at least for a long time? if you're not yet attached you may wanna try to find a way to end it. Imagine if he had kids with you. It sounds like he got a new watch and he has to show it to all of his friends, or he got a dog he has to walk in the park because he has the black one. I don't know. I live in an area where black people are as rare a sighting as dinosaurs. i know what you're saying. i see people here go through it. they move out of the area rather quickly. how long will you be with him before you get sick of it, hun? good luck

Answer 7

i see where you are coming from. my boyfriend and I are different races as well and sometimes he will just say stupid stuff. you just have to tell him about it and show him it bugs you. after awhile he will get the hint. he probably doesn't even realize what he is saying is hurting you. there are some things like the chocolate thing that you just have to take with a grain of salt. i'm sure he thought he was just being cute. i mean you can't really take everything he says about your color that seriously as long as its nothing bad he is saying. just let him know when it really pisses you off but pick your battles carefully.

Answer 8

I am white and I'll do my be to answer your question.

DUMP HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If he had any respect for you or if he loved you he would not make jokes at your expense Knowing they bother or hurt you. He is a Jerk with a capital "J "and can not be trusted. Your are his trophy someone to show off to his buddies.

I dated a black women 40 years ago, it was very unpopular with society when I did it. I was welcome within her circle of friends but my friends refused to accept her. I lost a lot of friends and didn't care because I really cared for her. We had one discussion about color and that was the night we met. To be truthful she broke up with me because she couldn't stand to see the way I was treated by others.

Answer 9

Honey he has an ironic sense of humour but I don't think you should take it too seriously. Laugh with him and if you can, come up with some silly jokes about his "whiteness". I'm sure he'll have a giggle with you. I'm black and share a flat with a white guy. We always pay each other out and crack jokes about been either black or white. It's all for giggles. Don't take it too seriously unless he starts getting out of hand, then you can kick his white a55 lol!

Answer 10

Sorry you are feeling this way. The fact that HE even points out that you are "black" IS ignorant. Unfortunately inter-racial relationships are still sometimes difficult due to this ignorance. If you are feeling uncomfortable with him he is not the one for you to date. Find someone who you are comfortable with and don't waste your time on the stupidity.