Tantrums at 16 months?

Question

I request that if you're going to be snitty you don't answer. Constructive crit welcome but be nice please. My daughter is 16 months and throws tantrums and is willfully disobendient sometimes. My real question is how do I communicate that this is unacceptable behavior when she doesn't talk yet and is so young. She's a very bright child but I'm afraid I'm expecting too much from her. She is a wonderful child most of the time and shares and plays with others well. She only seems to disobey when it's extremely important that she listen (dangerous situations or actions etc). So I guess maybe the question is better of how do I get her to understand that some things are dangerous? I'm a little lost as she's my first. We don't give in to her tantrums and she usually stops after at most a minute. It's really the disobediance that scares me. Please give good advice. : )

Answer 1

You sound like a really good Mom. :)

It's perfectly normal for your child to throw tantrums at that age. I'm not sure what the textbook answer for this is but I'll speak from my experience (mother of two pre-schoolers).

When my children threw tantrums at that age I would explain to them why I was not going to give them what they wanted and then I would proceed to completely ignore them. (But ensuring that they were in no danger, of course)

As far as her not listening when it comes to dangerous situations.. I don't usually spank my children but I will (and did at 16 months, not spanked but "popped" her hand or thigh) when it comes to them disobeying in dangerous situations.

It's also important to remember that they CANNOT control their impulses until about three or so. So steering them to something else when they are fixated on something they cannot have is a good idea as well.

I cannot stand mothers who punish their children for simply acting their age.

Kudos to you for having your child's best interest in mind.

Answer 2

My daughter will be two in a couple of weeks, and I went through the exact same thing at about 18 months. I tried everything--nothing seemed to work.

When a child does something that is dangerous to their self, such as running into traffic, playing with medication, etc. you really don't have much of an option. Saying things politely to a 16 month old child is not going to work. Since they are not old enough to communicate properly, they need to understand that it is a serious situation.

Whenever my daughter did something that was dangerous to her well-being, I would flick her on the back of her hand. (Spanking a padded bottom would be futile as well) Not too hard, just enough to get her attention. Usually it would cause a temper tantrum, (which should always be ignored) and then usually the behavior would stop.

The best advice on child-rearing I ever recieved was from my aunt, who raised 5 well-adjusted children. She told me to do the smacking on the back of the hand at a young age. To start when my daughter was old enough to crawl. She said that she did that with all her children, and she never had to lay a hand on them after they were two or three. Consistency is the key. Just make sure that you are consistent, and children learn very fast about cause and effect.

I hope this helps! If you need anything, send me a message and we can talk further!

Answer 3

Learn sign language together! I'm starting this with my 15 month old and I'm really excited about it. Once she learns to communicate better with you, she'll be much less frustrated. Meanwhile, don't worry. Short tantrums are totally normal since she doesn't know how to express feelings of "no fair!" any other way. The disobedience is normal too. She's just testing the limits. Lots of parents give in, but you keep standing your ground. You're teaching her acceptance of the boundaries you've set and that's a valuable lesson. It's hard now, but you'll have a much easier time later. My older kids are shocked when they see other kids their age carrying on in the stores. They learned early on that tantrums won't get them anywhere and mom's rules were NOT made to be broken, so keep up the good work there! Meanwhile, check out this web site and see if it appeals to you, too. Good luck!

Answer 4

Most toddlers have tantrums, they think they are the centre of the universe, and infants find it terribly frustrating that you can't understand them sometimes - I believe they think that you are thinking what they are thinking. Like you are a part of them not separate to them.

I have some experience with tantrums being a children's nurse, I would as much as possible suggest you ignore big outbursts, you have already seen that if ignored they soon stop. But you could also try to head them off with diversionary tactics when you see the wind up start, move locations, provide a game, send her on a mission.

As for things that are dangerous and teaching her to obey your instructions, I suggest you play a repetitive game with her. Start in a park or field where nothing is dangerous. And have her learn to 'stop' or 'freeze' or some other word you like, copying you stopping, while she is running around catch her and help her freeze, excessively praise her for every time she does the stop or freeze, once you have the safe place actions nailed, then start to practise in other environments. Like homes, gardens, etc.

Positive reinforcement of the behaviour you want seems to work well with children. That key word 'stop' should give you a chance when something dangerous does occur to get her to obey you.

Answer 5

My daughter, 18 months, is also this way. (I think it's a girl thing, my son wasn't this way) She has been throwing herself on the floor since she was 9 months. Girls and boys are SO different! Omm, where to start? Well...I tend to raise my voice WAY too much these days. My daughter just bugs the crap out of her older brother, who is almost 4 and I just don't know what to do with them these days! But when it comes to your daughter's safety, and almost getting hurt, you best do whatever possible to make her realize it, and that moment, and in books. If she's gone out in the street quickly, grab her briskly, spank her butt, and you tell her what she did wrong... "No street. Big Owie! NO NO." Always speak in her terms so she will understand. She'll be upset, but she'll learn. I've noticed with my daughter, that in books, if there is a stove in the book, I'll point it out and we say, "HOT" and she points it out every time. So they totally know at this age. So try some books, and repeat it over and over, with the dangers.
Other than that, I am clueless. Her playpen is her friend. :) Well, not. Whenever my daughter is bad, I tell her that she's done something wrong and I put her in her playpen (Empty) and then I get her out once she's calmed down...and then we talk about it.
It's all a test run, you try things and then see if they work. If not, try something else. We're all in the same boat, and we can all help each other.
Good luck!

Answer 6

At that age, our son also started throwing tantrums. For some things, like dangerous situations, you obviously can't give in. But I don't think it's quite deliberate defiance at that age, it's more frustration with their limitations and testing their environment.

At that age, they're not very verbal, not as agile as they'd like to be and they're becoming VERY aware of it. They can't go where they want, they need help doing a lot of stuff, etc. Our son would get so frustrated he would just lie on the floor and flail and holler. I personally think it's okay for them to let it out. He broke down and had a tantrum in the long checkout line at Target once and frankly, I was jealous.

You'll notice when she's older that her tantrums are directed at you or a result of not getting her way. Those are definately about difference. My son is two now, and starting to throw specific tantrums ("Candy! I want candy! Waaaaaaaaaaaah!")

Answer 7

>. I understand your concerns. She understands completely what you are saying, so when you talk to her look straight to her eyes with a very serious tone of voice, for example if you don't want her to open the toilet seat, you tell her not to open the seat because ...(and give her the explanation why is dangerous if she does it) . At least that worked with my kid, now 6. Kids understand a lot of things at very early age, so you tell her what is not safe to do, but make sure you give her the explanation on why is not safe, but off course don't use very complicated words. My son liked to play with the kitchen cabinet under the sink, and since I put all my cleaning supplies there, I was really concern, so I said " Don't touch it, this is very bad to you, if you touch it it will make a booboo, and it will hurt you" and believe it or not, he never played there again.
About the tantrums, oh well, is your first child so like a new parent we spoiled our little babies, so don't worry too much, she'll pass that age, and by the time you have your second child you already know what not to do and what to do.

Answer 8

'How far can I get if I beg or if I do this or that?" or "Let me scream and cry now and I see if I can get things MY way." or "I cried the last time and I got the toy I want. This time it may work again!"

Your child is going to test you and your patience again and again and again, till she becomes an adult. This isn't her way of punishing you. It's a phase all of us goes through that's called - growing up.

If your child forgets to bring his geometry set (I know your daughter isn't in school yet, this is just an example), you let her learn a lesson by not delivering the geometry set to school. You sometimes help when you don't help. :)

Most children, thank God, learn the fastest when you set good examples or through bedtime stories. Sharing YOUR experience (in simple terms of course) can be a good way to explain why she can't this or that.

Also, most children will listen to you (with extra questions from them may be!) if you talk to them the way you speak with an adult. That's mutual respect.

Set rewards for good behaviour, time-out for misbehaving - and let her know. Follow though the time-out when she misbehaves. You should have firm but loving control. It isn't the same as being fierce or loud, although you can be solemn so she knows you aren't joking about the consequences.

There's nothing much one can do for children's disobediance except to worry a little about it! Sometimes, children learn from experience and no one wants those experiences to be life-endangering.

Answer 9

I want to tell you that it is okay to spank your child on the behind when she puts herself in DANGER. And please understand I am talking about two firm swats on the behind not beating! But I know that 40 people will rant that it is abuse and a terrible thing to do. But you don't have a time-out chair on hand when they run out into the street and a car is speeding down the road. A 11/2 yr old has no idea what DANGER is and you can't explain to them what death is. As the parent you have to teach them as they get old enough to understand. Children will be disobedient it is in their nature to try to get what they want...

If you set simple rules, simple consequences and stay consistent you will get through each stage. For example:
No touching the tree lawn without holding on to Mommy or Daddy. (we used this one to keep ours away from the street, people used to speed up and down our street all the time!) The first and only time any of ours went into the tree lawn (running for the street...yup car coming) she got two swats on the behind at once. (Mommy crying in relief that she wasn't on the road dead!) And she NEVER did it again.
When in a parking lot you either hold onto Mommy or Daddy or you are in the stroller or a shopping cart. And you must walk right. Disobey...we leave. At ONCE.
If you have a temper tantrum in the mall...we leave AT ONCE.

NO FIGHTING, NO DISCUSSION, NO BARGINING. These are the rules peroid.

Sounds mean and heartless? Oh well, I want my children to LIVE to a nice healthy old age...I am their PARENT not their FRIEND. When they are grown and on their own then I will be their friend...and will love every minute of it. You have to sit down with your hubby and decide on the rules and how you will handle each one...everyone has their own limits and priorities as well as issues to look at. Pick your battles (what is important to you). Best of luck...I am sure your a great mom and you will get through all this!

Answer 10

Even though she doesn't talk yet she understands you, and telling her in a firm voice, not yelling or screaming, but very firm, "No" and that she cannot act like that. Removing her from whatever the situation is that is causing the tantrums. Take her some where quiet and or if your at home take her to her room and let her take a nap until she quiets down. She will equate acting out with being taken away from an activity and may be less likely to act out over time.