Why didn't my son tell me that he was in the school play?

Question

My 14 y.o. lied to me and told me that he was staying after school all these days for the debate team (instead of play practice). I found out that he had the lead part from neighbors and people at the grocery store who by the way think I'm a bad mother for not showing up to encourage him! I'm insulted. Why do you think he would do such a thing?

Answer 1

Well he probably thought u would think he was gay becuz half of the boys parent's that do that will think their son is gay or becoming gay?! so just sit down wit him and talk to him about it?!

Answer 2

I would have done the same thing. I do not have bad parents and I'm sure your not a bad parent at all. But I do not like my parents getting involved with anything I do at school no matter what it is in any way shape or form. I am sure there might be other reasons I would not be in a play I have stage fright. I have not stood upfront of the class for more then 2 Min's sense grade 6 and I am now done high school.

Perhaps he would think you would have no interest or are to busy. Maybe he is trying to impress a girl or something and does not want him mom there to embarrassed him? Did he have plans after the play? I think that its great that he is doing what he wants. Did you want him to join the debate team or did you mention that you did not like plays or something or they were a waste of time. It could be many things just make sure you tell the parents that he did not tell you so its not making you look like a bad parent. But then they would wonder why he did not tell you.

I would say he is embarrassed to be seen in a play by his mom or a girl is involved.
---edited---

I just want to say that I agree with more then half of the answers I have read.

Answer 3

All through high school I never told my parents if I was involved in some after school activity either (I used to sing in choir concerts). Now that I have kids, I can't even imagine what I was thinking back then. I only vaguely remember being very angry back then. I can't pinpoint the reason why... although I know they 'taught' me to be overly independent at a young age. They were two extremely busy parents and didn't have much time for me. And it's not that they purposely meant to do anything wrong... they were good people - but I just figured they didn't really care and didn't need to be involved in my life. Of course, this may not have anything to do with your son's reasoning. But it can't hurt if you really take a look at your parenting style. He may simply be trying to take some control in his life. Maybe there are things at home he's not been able to control, and this is one way of doing it. Maybe he's worried about your reaction. Take him out - just one on one - and see if he'll open up to you. Try and spend more time with him (or less?). And what the heck do you care about what others think anyway? You're insulted? This isn't about YOU... it's about your son. Get to know him. Find out if you need to involve yourself more in his life... or to back off some. Really focus. I'm sure you're a great mom. None of us are perfect. Just make sure he knows you love him and that you're always proud of him (whether he lets you in his life or not).

Answer 4

Whatever you and your son have going on it's not a relationship. Spend more time talking to him about little things. Take time to laugh together and share.You can find out so much if you just ask. He probably feels you may not care about his life, but prove him wrong by opening up to him daily. Dont be his friend be someone he feels comfortable going to no matter what is going on in his life.

Tell him you are proud he got the lead and will support him because you are his mother and you love him. Do share your feeling too. Let him know it made you sad and embarrassed he didnt tell you about the play. If he sees you opening up then maybe he will too.
NOTE* Make sure you sit next to him when you confront him. Never stand above him when trying to connect. be eye to eye.
Good luck

Answer 5

He was embarrassed to tell you. He is a teenager, and remember when you were a teen how embarrassing it was to have your parents cheering for you in the crowd when you are already nervous about doing something so different? Be patient with him and talk to him about how much you would like to support him but understand that he may of wanted to go solo on some things. Don't feel like a failure -you are not. You know how dedicated you are to him and how much you love him. Those other people don't know what goes on in your home or heart. It is time to have a heart to heart with him and listen more than talk. Listen and don't judge and he will pour his heart to you. Then next time he will tell you when he has another function at school. Treat him with more Independence and acceptance. He still loves you its just that he is trying to find himself right now on his own.

Answer 6

Could he be ashamed of you? Is he afraid you would be upset if you knew he was in a play? Something is definitely wrong in your relationship with him. Perhaps you should set him down and ask him why he didn't want you to know.

After you ask him then discuss his reasons, I mean discuss no yelling, screaming or acting motherly. He is a young man trying to grow up in a unstable time. You must show him respect and love not make him feel guilty about his actions.

Once he believes you are interested in him and what he does things should get better. You need to let him know he is really important to you, 14 is a tough age for boys they don't need a nagging,possessive mother who they can't please.

Answer 7

He was afraid you would go into a tantrum and not like it for some unimaginable reason or use it as a "chip" to keep him in line if you found out he was having a good time with the play.

He was right. Just reading your question, I understand why he acted the way he did, and even so, you're insulted by what he did.

Answer 8

He must have felt like you wouldn't approve.

Seems like you may have some issues of openess with your son. I'm not accusing you of anything but for some reason he didn't feel as if he could open up to you about this and this is definately something you should be worried about. Because if he doesn't feel as if he can talk to you about something like this what is going to happen when it's a real crisis?

Ask him why and don't get mad when he tells you.

Answer 9

He is probably nervous and doesn't want his mom getting really excited, because then he'll be even MORE nervous. Maybe he is worried you won't encourage him. I kept a lot from my parents because I did not know if I'd always have their support--looking back now I see that I probably would've have their support regardless.

Don't worry--14 is tough. He loves you and you're definately not a bad mom!!

Answer 10

How is your relationship with your son? Teenagers (and 20somethings) can be hard to maintain relationships with. He might be embarassed. Do you criticize your son? This could be a source of anxiety that would keep him from talking to you. Really think about that one. You may be offering criticism without realizing it. Have you made fun of actors (especially male actors) in front of him? Think about that one too. Just try to be open with your son and maybe whatever it is will resolve itself. One thing I would not do is be confrontational or accusatory about this. That's awkward and is a way to gain a lot of resentment from a lot of teens.

Answer 11

You must have not approved of some things that he wanted to do when he was growing up, and he felt like you wouldn't have approved of him being in the play. It's very simple, really. I sometimes do the same thing - I do not mention some things to my parents, because I know they won't approve. Parents need to accept their children with all their faults, and not try to make their kids "convenient" for themsleves.