How do I deal with my mother-in-law?

Question

My husband and I just got married a month ago. Now I know his mother was going to go through things, but this is rediculous. Now I was babysitting her daughter, who is 11, and she was rude, flat out lied to me about watching something I didn't want her to watch and she also threw things at me and threw fits all the time when she wouldn't get her way. Now I decided I wouldn't babysit her daughter anymore, and she asked me to do it again. So i thought I would talk it over with my husband before I called her back. Well she called him right when he got off work and yelled at him saying that we were disrespectful for not calling back right away and that she would never ask us for anything ever again! Then my husband called a gew days later and she spent the whole time calling me names and saying I was disrespectful. Then today she dropped off mail with a note saying "You wont have to be bothered with us ever AGAIN!"
my husband and I have done everything for her..What do I do now????

Her daughters birthday is also this Wednesday, do we give her her gift as well? Do we go??
Should I not go, just my husband??

Answer 1

You let her go! Believe me, I know it will be hard for your husband especially...BUT...this woman has learned to manipulate. You're adults and are married and starting your own life. He's a grown man and she needs to realize that, and treat him with the respect she would any grown man.

I'm a mother and my son is 24. I know it's hard to break away from being 'mom' in the same sense that you were when your child WAS a child, but you HAVE to. What's the point of having children if you never let them become adults? You have to treat them like adults at that point, and she's not doing that. What she IS doing, is using her maternal 'station' to manipulate him into remaining her child in a small way. It's a control issue. If you two allow her to have an affect, and you apologize to her and let her put the guilt on you...she will NEVER stop doing this.

You (and he) and I know...that 'You won't have to be bothered with us ever AGAIN!' threat is crap. You don't deserve to be called names any more than she does, and you have to demand that respect from her. You don't have to do it aggressively, but if she doesn't get that apology and she knows that guilt thing didn't work, she'll stop doing it. Your husband (just a suggestion here) should also tell her privately, that he won't tolerate her calling the woman he loves, names. If she wants respect from you OR from him, she needs to step back, and approach you respectfully the next time around. She wouldn't treat her own friends that way, so she shouldn't treat family that way!

Answer 2

You know, this is a problem that will heal over time. Right now, the mother is feeling replaced by you. She was used to doing everything for her son, now you complete this task. I'm afraid there is no easy answer. I can only tell you what I did. For the longest time I resented my husbands mother, she was always calling all hours of the night. Making plans with him about my husbands and my life, it never seemed to stop. Well, it's been 31 long years, and you know something? She hasn;t changed at all. I have. I no longer give her the power or control over me to change the way I feel. I treat her nice when she comes into my home, basically, nice her to death, but I know there will be an end to her visit soon. Hold close to you the love you feel for your husband and it will be easier to understand what I mean. For him, try to get along and bite your tongue sometines, when you would rather tell her how it is, trust me I know. This is his mother, and it is very hard for him also. He is caught beween the two special women in his life, that's a hard place to be. Just know in your heart that your husband loves you in a way he will never love her, and she has the part of him you could never have. They are different types of love, but both so important. If you start going with the flow, she will slowly change, you will see. Go with the sea, not against. I wish you all the happiness and tranquility this life has to offer. I know what a hard place it is to be the daughter-in-law.

Answer 3

Your mother in law has issues bad! I thought mine was bad! At the end of the day though you need to remember that she is still your hubbys mum and you would want them to retain a healthy relationship. Does you MIL know that her daughter misbehaved last time you baby sat? If not you need to express this to her to help her understand your hesitation. Call her and tell her that you certainaly did not want to disrepect her you just needed time to make a decision. Or maybe your husband can contact her to talk about it. She is acting quite childish huh?! If she is prepared to disown you and husband over this she needs to pull her self together and grow up! You have done nothing wrong but i think theyre may have been a lack of communication that got her on her high horse! Pls make an effort and if she dosnt respond like an adult, ignore her and she will come around! Good luck!!

Answer 4

First- she is probably mad because she doesn't have anyone to watch her kid for free anymore. She sounds like she is trying to manipulate you and your husband into feeling sorry and babysitting again. You did take her baby boy (lol) so she is probably trying to show her son (your hubby) what a horrible mistake he made by marrying you. Just try to ignore her outbursts and talk to your husband about things. Tell him how you feel and make sure he understands what really happened. Do NOT make any judgemental comments or put down his Mom in any way- that only proves his Mom's point about you. Smile- and go on with your life. Don't let her control you anymore!

Answer 5

Well, I am not one for giving advise on a family issue but I read your story and have been in your shoes... unfortunately I am no longer married to that person for something unrelated. If I were you I would NOT let that mother in law of yours bully you around, if she tells you things like you mentioned above just don't give her the satisfaction of knowing it bothers you... personally when I was told something like that I just said "Sorry you feel that way but I refuse to but heads with you, if you want to isolate yourself from my family that is your choice" ... It is YOUR family after all! Even if it is only you and your husband, you two are a family. And furthermore its really up to your husband to defend you against his mother, if you ask me its him that is being disrespectful toward you for not coming to your defense. The way I see it is your mother in law is trying to be the dominant female between you two and if you let her treat you that way she wins. Just don't get into a screaming match with her, trust me its NOT worth it. If she sees that she cant bully you around she will find something else to turn her attention to, its all about control.

Answer 6

she's hot right now so just let it blow over but if you want you can just tell her how her daughter behaved and why you hesitated on calling her back but just make sure you're the mature one
i mean don't go calling her names and stuff, it won't solve anything, you'll bump heads about alot more things than this
she's only trying to give you a hard time. it's really amazing how mother-in-laws can behave like little children, i feel sorry for her daughter. she doesn't really have that much of a role model

Answer 7

Wow, I'm sorry that you have such a hateful mother in law. I honestly think she's just jealous, because she can't just pull her son to the side anymore. He's actually getting the real her. Sucks, and it's hard, I know. I have seen some pretty mean mother in laws. Maybe she should watch the movie "Monster in Law". lol. That might make her relax a little, and maybe she'll realize she's being really crappy.

Answer 8

Sounds like your mother-in-law is very immature.... maybe some other issues going on? You & hubby may need to try talking to her calmly, & let her know what the problem is with the 11 yr old. But, if she continues yelling & acting irrationally, you may have to accept some distance for a while.

Answer 9

Your mother-in-law sounds just as bad as mine. You've done nothing wrong. It sounds like you've tried to communicate with her, but it doesn't work. When it comes down to it, your little sister-in-law had no right to treat you the way she did and you have every right to refuse to babysit her.

Your mother-in-law is acting very childish and is using what is called emotional blackmail. Don't give in to it. She's baiting you and your husband. As hard as it's going to be, don't contact her. Let her come to you and only interact with her if she's going to be civil.

When she starts with the insults, tell her in a firm, but gentle tone that you refuse to be spoken to in that manner; you are not a child, and then tell her that if she continues in that manner, your conversation is over. If she continues to talk to you like that, hang up the phone, walk away, close the door in her face, etc. Anything you have to do to end the conversation.

When it comes right down to the nitty-gritty, you deserve respect. If she refuses to give it to you, then you have no obligation whatsoever to interact with her. People will treat you how you let them treat you. Don't let her treat you badly.

Answer 10

wow, she has issues. first of all you are not instant babysitter because you married her son. You just got married and need to focus on each other for a while, i am all about helping the family, but abuse is not tolerable. Call her on the carpet and say, you really hurt my feelings by treating us that way, but you need to understand we are starting a life together and are going to be busy, you should also put yopur foot down with the sister and demand she respect you. Good luck!