How do you cope with the death of your son?

Question

Its almost a year now, since my son died, He was 18 years old and involved in a car accident. It took 27 days in intensive care for his body to finally give up. First he had his splean removed, then his whole intestines, finally when they removed his stomach, his body gave up. He wasnt even driving, he was a sober pasenger in a car with a sober driver. and he had his seat belt on (this is what caused the dammage), The dirver only had a sprained wrist. The other 2 pasengers escaped totally un harmed.. HOW IS THIS RIGHT??? Im trying to continue with life but i feel no purpose. I have another son (aged 17), but he is really indipendant and copes with 'his stuff, his way' I have no partner, or anyone i could call a close friend as I don't mix with people well. Both my parents have also died (in the last 12 months), so no help there.,
(most other family a waste of time) Anyone in a position to help, I don't know where to turn.

WRITEN BY CONCERENED BROTHER WHO CAN'T HELP EITHER!

Answer 1

I know what it feels like to loose a son and feel like the world has stopped. My son died as a baby but I think a parent should never have to bury a child. I think of my son every day. I have 2 other children as well but there is always a missing place in my family for the boy I lost. E-mail me if you need to talk. [e-mail]. You need support around you right now that is very important. Check with your local hospital to see if they have support groups you could go to. My hospital offered that to me. Also I find it very helpful to keep my son's memory alive by keeping his pictures around and by talking about him and remembering him during any holiday. My son passed away 4 and a half years ago already so I can tell you this. It does get easier to cope with the pain but the pain never goes away and neither do the tears. Feel free to e-mail me and talk if you need. I know how hard it is. God bless you.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your son. You have been given one of the most terrible burdens this planet has to offer - and coming so soon after the deaths of your parents is just awful. I wish I could take your pain away.

My precious precious father died unexpectedly and suddenly a few months ago and especially at first, I felt that it is only for my children that I faked that life is worth living. And I know that the loss of a child is so much worse.

I'm sure the very fact that his seat belt damaged his body is sometimes too much to bear. It seems so cruel. Even tonight I started screaming in the shower, screaming because my brain can't bear the truth of our loss sometimes. I can't bear that I have to cope with this, that this is my life from now on. And yet, of course, I do bear it. And I know that my father would be very angry if I blew the years I have left suffering over him.

Did your son have a philosophy about life that you can draw on to find comfort in? It would only help some of the times, but some of the times is nice.

As silly as this suggestion might sound, you might want to see the new Jet Li movie Fearless- with your surviving son. The lead character copes with terrible loss and learns where to find some comfort. I sobbed through much of this movie and was uplifted by at least sharing loss.

Have you been to compassionate friends? They are an organization for people who have lost children. Call them - they are people who can understand, they are people who, unfortunately, know the terrible thing you now know.

The other link below is of Kahlil Gibran's writings. His essay "Joy and Sorrow" "Death" and "Children" are very heartwarming to me, tho my dh finds them insipid. If they can offer you help, they're worth a read.

I hope one day you can find joy again - for the sake of your other son. My aunt lost a daughter at 17, and she has pretty much let the other two kids go, giving them nothing. It's been heartbreaking to see - essentially, they all died 20 years ago - my god, it's been 20 years...

Life is strange. I hope you find comfort, companionship, and a new purpose.

Answer 3

I know of a few people who have lost children. In 2005 my 16 year old cousin died in a car wreck and it is horrible. I have lost many people in my life (dad, foster mother, grandmother and cousin) all in like 2 years, but still can't even say how to cope when losing a child. I don't know for sure, but they may have a Yahoo online support group for parents who have lost there children. I wish that I could help you more. You folks are in my prayers and I wish you the very best.

Answer 4

Email me if you would like to talk more. I know exactly what you are going through. We lost my brother at age 22 then my grandma a year later. My mom hasn't been the same since( It was her mom that past away).
It's been 3 years now and is just as painful today as it was the day we got the news. The first anniversary is excruciating. It is like reliving the day all over again. Your sister will probably get worse before she gets better. She probably feels like if she takes steps to recover from the tragedy she will be betraying her son. Please try to get her some professional help.
You are a good brother, God bless you.

Answer 5

My heart hurts to imagine the pain and grief you must be feeling from three important people in your life leaving this earth. From my personal experience I've learned that time heals nothing - one just learns to deal with it all in better ways. Acceptance of what happened would be your first step - all the steps will be baby steps; don't try to take big steps and then fall again. Go to your pastor or your priest and ask for some grief counseling. If they can't provide it for you, they will be able to connect you to someone who can on a one-on-one basis. Have faith, be kind to yourself and remember there are those that love you dearly. Your sense of purpose will return one day and I hope it's not too far away. My prayers are with you.

Answer 6

Wow, what can I say? First, I am very sorry for your loss. I also am a father or two and fortunately they are both fine. We never know when these tragedies might happen and Ive often thought about what I would do if I'm ever in your shoes. If you believe in God then by all means go to Him for spiritual help. Your living son needs you at this time also. Stand with each other and be strong and dont try to understand because it really defies understanding. Lastly, dont blame yourself. You are blameless. You will be in my prayers and thoughts.

Answer 7

Oh, I am so sorry for you. The pain of losing a child is horrible. I know I would not be the same person if I lost my son. I don't know how it could be right. About coping, people have different ways of trying to cope. It's very hard, I know. Can you talk to a therapist?

My heart goes out to you.

Answer 8

That has to be devastating. I feel for you. Some type of diversion might help you, such as a hobby or crafts. You might mix well with people if you give it a chance and get involved in some kind of social activity. You could make a good friend that will give you emotional support.

Answer 9

I lost a son almost 17 years ago, he was 2 and a half when he died. I had 3 other kids who had no one but me to take care of them. It still hurts, I still cry, I still miss him, I still completely think it was unfair for him to die. That's probably no help but that's my deal.

Answer 10

I know it may sound stupid, but I've heard of people who lost loved ones confiding in a pet such as a dog or cat. They sometimes bring out the personality of a lost loved one.