How do you discipline a 9 year old?

Question

My boyfriends nephew came to live with us about 4 months ago and its been a roller coaster. It started with back talking and now its lying. He lies about everything. He has had alot go on in his life( his mom is incarcerated adn his dad lives out of state very little contact) he lived with his grandparents basically his whole life til now and he got away w everything. He will mess in his inderwear atleast 3 times aweek and hide them under his dresser, lies about what homework he has. when its supper time he will come up with every excuse on why he dont want to eat. he used to be on ridelin b4 he moved with us we took him off we dont see why he should take it. He isnt a bad kid. his teacher loves him. I know alot of it has to do with living with us( his uncle is gone alot he is oncall) but i would like some advice on how to handle this. I have been told alot to spank him but i dont feel its my place and i dont believe in that. I dont spank my kids. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

he has been to a counselor

how can you respond to answers instead off adding onto your question? also we have grounded him his teacher sends emails home everyday with assignments, weve taken everything away from him

he was taken off his meds b/c the reason he was put on them is for temper tantrums. he did it to get his way w his grandparents. he has never once did it when me and his uncle around.spanking him would resolve everything right? No i doubt that there are more ways to teach than that.he was beaten badly 2 years ago by his dad and stepmom thats why i dont feel right doing it. just looking for answers not to be critisized b/c i wont spank him. my kids arent spoiled or brats and i maybe tapped their hand twice so u dont always have to result to spanking to keep ur children behaved, it just shows u have no patience to redirect and find another way of discipline.

Answer 1

ok DUMP your BOYFRIEND this is the only solution

Answer 2

I do think you make the right choice not spanking the boy. I personally do not believe in spanking children - you just show them that hitting is OK.
For the food, serve him the food, if he does not want to eat it offer him a simple sandwich, make sure to tell him it is his choice. Leave it at that.
Keep him in counseling, this little boy is in over his head and he needs an adult other that you and your bf to talk to.
When he makes a mess in his underwear, don't make a fuss about it, just treat is as nobody gets upset, maybe even put a bucket in the bathroom (+lid) and casually tell him than IF he makes a mess, he can just put it in the bucket, wash up and change. Please do not blame him for this messy problem, he is in a world of chaos and one of the ways his body is telling you is the fact that he makes a mess in his undies.
I think a casual sit down talk is OK, tell him that you care about him and you will always be there (and then keep your word) this little kid needs all the love and support he can get. Tell him that all this is not his fault and you understand that he has issues/problems, but you are there to help him.
My heart goes out for you and the little boy! Hope things get better!!

Answer 3

First let me echo the common response that you need professional help. If he went to a counselor and you did not get the help you need you must find a professional who will help you, (I do believe from what it sounds, that a child psychiatrist or a counselor that specializes in child behavior is needed). In addition you may want to seek a counselor for your own well being.

A child who has been on Ritalin for an extended period of time and then taken off will go through a roller coaster of emotions for a long time. I am not sure how you can justify taking him off the drug, considering you are now trying to find out how to deal with the torment he is putting you through.

First of all, please understand that this child has a problem. Do you punish the blind for not being able to see? You have punished this child to the point that anything you do to him will not get a positive result. A boy who soils himself and then hides the evidence, knows its wrong and fears the consequences. He is not able to help himself.... or he would, and is trying to keep the pain of punishment from being exposed away as long as possible.

This young man needs two things, he needs professional help which may well include medicine. And he needs love.

He does not however need more punishment.

Answer 4

Probably he feels insecure, abandoned and unloved. From this moment on he will see every attempt to discipline as a sign of dislike and he will think his grandparents loved him more. (I'm sorry to say this, but I have observed that many grandparents just close their eyes to disciplinary problems so that the kids will give them some peace.) In my opinion he should be taken to counseling, maybe given medication (by the doctor) until he gets his head together and given some space. I also believe that, when you try to explain things reasonably to children or adolescents, they may look like they are not listening, but they register the core of the message and the care involved. And no, spanking a 9-year old would create more damage than good. Your attempts may not be appreciated, but please don't lose your courage because any good you are doing for this boy is more than he can get elsewhere.

Answer 5

He has been through alot and that is why he is having these behavioral issues.Right now we all can blame his past on why he is like that and we all would be right.But you have to correct his behavirol now.No more excuses.He needs help.I do not reconmend counseling.It is something you can handle yourself.All a counseler will do is keep up bringing up the past and keep his memory fresh on the past.You have to take care of him like this.Think of his most worst behavior.Lets say putting soiled underwear under the dresser is a big problem,ok that calls for immediate punishment.But lets say he makes up a goofy silly lie,somethings you have to let go and just tell him that you know what he said is not true.Pick your battles.Dont sweat over minor things he does.Several hugs a day will do him wonders.With kids like him you can not just hug and think he felt the love.You gotta be verbal while hugging him and tell him what he did or said that made you proud of him and you have to put a little strength behind your hugs for him to feel them.Dont talk about mom and dad infront of him(even if it`s good talk) unless he questions you.I wish you alot of luck.

Answer 6

Wow, that's got to be rough on everyone living in the house. You might want to explore the medication route with a doctor. I know everyone can't wait to get the kids on the ritlan,but maybe it really is something he needs. Some one else mentioned counsilling, and you did too, don't give up on it yet, he needs the stability of it even if he acts like he doesn't . As hard as it is for you , you have to sit down and make your rules for him, put it on paper so when problems arise you aren't floundering for a punishment. If you have it on paper and he's seen it than you can say - we agreed , if you do this (lie), then this (punishment you chose)will happen, you knew this and chose to (lie), keep being consistant. The soiling thing is a control issue. at 9 he doesn't have much control in his life , people are disappearing from his life , he's being moved around with no say in the matter. About the only thing he can truely control is his body functions. As hard as it may be just keep remembering it really isn't his fault.

Answer 7

Structure! Do things the same way and the same time every day. He must do homework before he plays (have the teacher write a note with the assignments on it every day). Everything must come home, no excuses (if things do not, he is not to play that night). Supper is at a set time, if he does not eat what is provided there will be nothing else for him that night. Be loving but firm and do not waver in what you say. Sit him down and go over the house rules and enforce them.

Answer 8

This poor child is acting out because he has had a crappy life so far! And as a child he is expressing his pain in the only way he is equipped to! He doesnt know any better! I am glad you dont think spanking is the right answear because it isnt. It would only add to his bad feelings and his anger would escalate! You need to get in contact with some kind of community program that works with kids like him, to get him counseling and you some skills on how to handle his delicate situation!

You have an opportunity here to heal this wounded little boy and help turn his life around. It is a good sign that you care enough to reach out for help here with him. You are on the right path and this little boy seems to be lucky in landing in your care. good luck to you and bless you !

Answer 9

First, let me say that I have 2 children and have never spaked either of them. They are not "Spoiled" or "Brats", they just know how to act appropriately. It sounds like this boy did not have the best up-brining and was probably allowed to act up in these ways. This is going to be a very trying time for all of you.

I definately agree with the schedule. Children need structure. It will take time, but you've got to stick to it.

Have a "meeting" with him and let him know that acting out is unacceptable.

Give him some incentive... Start slow, maybe a movie or something fun if he can get through an entire week without getting in trouble at school. Keep in contact with his teacher and let her know what you are doing. Not only is it somehting to look forward to for him, but it will also be quality time for you as a family.

Good luck, my prayers are with you.

Answer 10

I think a loving structured family that is very consistent with the rules does well. Consistency really does the best. He should know the rules and know that if he breaks them there will be consequences 100% of the time, not just now and then. Find him something to love, whether it be sports or some sort of extracurricular activity. Let him find his passion. That also gives him something to not want to lose. You and your spouse should support each other when dealing with him and be a team working together.

Answer 11

Oh Mom, I feel your pain. What he needs foremost is love, safety and security. Without saying anything to him, do special things only for him. Give him lots of hugs and kisses. When he does something inappropriarte, sit down and talk with him. Explain right and wrong. A child needs direction. You can do it. You had the courage to ask this question. God Bless and good luck. This poor child's been through hell already. I commend you and your boyfriend to take on such a task. Email me if you need more advise?