What shall I do about my in-laws?

Question

Hello~
I am pregnant with our 2nd son, Cody who is due, Jan. 25th. We have a wonderful but, active son Jason who is 3. My husband & I have been married for over 5 years.
To make a long story short. When my son, Jason was 6 weeks old my Mom-in-law left him outside a store by himself in his stroller. And the next day she told me that if I allow him to he can take care of himself. And that He didn't need me and she didn't do anything wrong by leaving him outside the store, she didn't see the need to bring him in. It was "to much trouble" to do that! And that she can do what she wants with him. Any way I don't trust her with him or with Cody when he is born. She know that she is not allowed to be alone with him or anyother child. But she still begs to take him on overnight trips or to have him alone with her. I keep on telling her no.
When we told my inlaws that we were pregnant again ( Cody was a nice surprise) My inlaws told me to get an abortion!

We had no right to have another child. When we said no we are having this child and we will love him as much as Jason they told us that they don't want to have anything to do with us or Cody. But, they still want to have a relationship with Jason.
When we found out that we were having a boy 3 weeks ago. We gave them another call to tell them that they are going to have another grandson. Then all hell broke loose. First off, they told me that it served me right that I am having another boy. Then they told me that they have the right to tell me what to name the child. We are still fighting on a name. Even though our mindes are made up. They still don't want to have anything to do with me or Cody.
I would like to write to them ( they won't take my calls) and tell them that if they won't deal with me or Cody then they can't have a relationship with Jason. It is not fair to Cody. What do you think. Would you just cut them out of your life or allow your inlaws to do what they want?

She thinks that Jason should be able to spend the night with them without a problem. He has never been babysat or been by him self since he was born. If we can't take him somewhere then we don't go. I told her that none of my kids would be allowed to spend over night anywhere until they were old enough to ask. At least 5 years old. And since they live so far away ( We live in northren CA. Redding and they live about 500 miles away in L.A.) that I would not even think of allowing him to be down there until he was at least 10.

The thing is that if I write and/or E-mail them and tell them that it is either all of us or none of us. My husband tells me that I will only be making trouble. I feel the need to do so. I can't say word 1 to them. They do not want to talk to me. They are saying that I am selfish & unfair. Should I just make touble or should I have my husand say something. He hasn't yet. I don't know if he has the guts too. He dosen't do very well standing up for him self or us with them. He fears his parents.

Answer 1

Cut them out of your lives. Your children do not need such bad influences around and they seem really crazy. Just pretendd that they never existed in your lives.

Answer 2

Oh, I remember you, I read your questions on this when you first posted them. (You're a bad mother because you like sex...that was interesting.) I don't remember what I told you (if anything) then, but I would be all for laying down the ground rules. I wouldn't trust her either (no a 6 week old baby can not care for himself). You'll need a lot of support from your husband on this one, because she obviously hates you already anyway. Unelss you want to cut yourselves off completely, you'll eventually need to let her see your sons, but make sure it's on YOUR terms where at least one responsible adult is there at all times. I really don't know what else to say besides Good Luck, girl.

After reading your details, if you're willing to do that (and I probably would be, too, at that point) and you have your husband's support (so he won't undermine you), go for it. It's not fair for one child to have grandparents and not the other. Tell her it's all or nothing. Or better yet, have your husband tell her so she doesn't have a letter from her "devil DIL" to wave around to all her friends.

Answer 3

I'm sure there's more to this story than meets the eye. She is the one who told her in-laws that the baby was an accident. Some people's first reaction to that, especially after being told they'll have almost no relationship with the baby anyway, would be "Then get an abortion".
If you've read any of this poster's other questions/answers, you know she's completely overprotective of her child. She doesn't go anywhere without her child; she's never left him alone with ANYONE for ANY length of time. She thinks children should not go ANYWHERE without a parent until they are sixteen, including hanging out with friends. I wonder how her child will go to school? I believe she spoke about a co-op preschool so she could be with him AT ALL TIMES. Her child is not potty-trained, her child does not know how to play with other children, etc. etc. She refers to her birthmother as a "whore" (her words) because she became pregnant at 22 to a man who said he was going to marry her. How can someone refer to their own mother as a whore? If it weren't for that "whore" she wouldn't have life, and that "whore" could have chosen to abort her, so, while she doesn't have to LIKE the woman, she should at least minimally respect her for her decision to bring her into this world.
I can't imagine denying my baby's grandparents the right to see her. And, trust me, my MIL and I did NOT get along at all until the baby was born. Do they sometimes do things I don't agree with? of course. I think everyone's parents have said, "Well, when I had you, we (fill in the blank)". And I just nod and smile and move along. My girl is staying with her grandparents from Thurs-Sun in November-my husband is in the military, and we have to attend an out of state function. She will be 4 1/2 months old. Sure, they'll probably let her watch too much tv ("It's good for her! Watch her eye coordination!"), and dress her in ridiculous outfits, and probably make me cringe when I hear about how much she loves her blankie. (I had to lay down the law with that one...but I gave them a second chance - things were done differently 30 years ago). I'm sure it will get worse in the next few years ("Ice cream for breakfast? Okay, sweetie!" And then we'll play video games all weekend!") But, the fact is, they are her grandparents, and they love her, and just because they do things a bit differently than I do, that doesn't mean they're bad people, and I know they would never intentionally hurt her.
The fact that this woman has posted SO many times about how HORRIBLE her inlaws are makes me think that she's looking for validation of her feelings because her case isn't even that strong in her own mind.

Answer 4

that's how my mother is, she won't put locks up to protect the child. I would push it off as much as I could, and you will have to face the facts of that she is old fashion and not realible to take care of your precious child. I would never let anyone take care of my son overnight his first year, and he never spends the night over with my mother. I went to the bank with my son and let my mom take care of my daughter and when I came home my daughter was taking a nap and I went up to check up on her there was a blanket on her FACE!!! She is only six months, your mother in law is not going to change and she will be to be supervised by you for visits end of discussion about that. DON'T trust anyone fully. Back when my husband was a child they were left in cars, but my mom never did that to me, just don't let her take care of the kids with supervision. About the abortion talk you can tell her to kiss your ***, and be a ***** and tell her that because you wanted me to get an abortion you won't get to see the child, because you didn't want the child as your grandchild. that's just a f*cked up thing to say. She'll pay the price for saying that. My dad sexually abused me growing up, he has high blood pressure, cancer, hit three deers and a turkey, just got rear ended, anbd nothing is going his way, god knows and god will prevail.

Answer 5

I think it's time you stood up to them. Sit down and have a chat as calmly as possible. Tell her how you feel about the incident above and tell her you are really unhappy out it. Tell her if she does it again, you will not be able to trust her with your children on her own. That should make her realise just how ridiculous it is. Infact, the more I think about it, the more I think - keep a distance! A very difficult one but your partner should be helping sort this out too. Good luck!

Answer 6

Don't let them bother you...just ignore them. When they call for Jason...say NO overnights. If they don't like your rules then NO sounds like they are a little old and off their rockers to leave a child outside a store in this day and age...do they not watch the news??

Answer 7

guess what sweety. tell your inlaws to bugger off. what your mil did was child endangerment, pure and true. they have no rights on your children what so ever. and your husband is an adult, tell him to act like it. do not, ever, under any circumstances, allow your inlaws time alone with your children. they've already proven to be irresponsible. if they start to harass you, change your number. if they continue after that, get the police involved. this may all sound harsh, but it is worth it to make sure your kids are safe.

Answer 8

Keep your children away from them. Sorry, but if someone thought my child was "too much trouble" then they don't deserve to see them. She sounds crazy. I think it's even illegal to leave a baby unattended like that. I mean, you're not allowed to leave them in a car by themselves--why would leaving them outside a store be any different? Keep them away from your children--that is unless you want someone to walk off with your child while your mother in law is browsing the women's department.

Answer 9

ive had problems similiar to yours and i feel for u, what i did was told them that when they grew up and acted mature then i would let them see the kids but not until, and that if they can't accept me or any of my other kids then they definately don't need to call or come around. and i still havent heard from them to this day, my husband talks to them every once in a while which is fine if he wants to , but my children are not going to, if my husband goes to see them my children will not be going , until they grow up and be responsible and accepting, so stand your ground, don't let your children have a relationship with them but don't try to stop your husband from doing so , just u and the kids dont, until they come around and apologize and accept both kids and become responsible

Answer 10

Just ignore them. You will only be making matters worse if you make a major issue out of this. Your husband is right. Let it go. If you don't you are only being as selfish and childish as your inlaws.