WOMEN: Has a man (or your man) ever hit you or assualt you?

Question

and had the relationship work out?
My man has hit me a few times in the past, and he down plays it and said he was sorry, and he wants this to work out (we have a kid togetheraswell) the last incident was in febuary 06.
I have alot of anger for him, and I dont want to have sex wth him or be intimate with him these days and it is because of that.
He says I have certain obligations to perform as wife (get it) but I dont care to be with him like that right now.
I have been a stay home mom for 3 years and due to him NOT wanting me to work (very controlling) I have stayed home and been a wife and mom.
He says if I leave I will not get our son becuase I dont have a job and that I should sign him over to him.
He works out of town so I said I would get him, I dont know what to do.
Can this be worked out?
We did councelling and it didnt work.
Can a relation survive a few incidents of domestic battery?

I cannot afford to leave!
I dont know what to do, we argue constantly, mostly about him not getting any and not understanding why he isnt. I cant lose my son to him, and since he make over six figures and I make 0 (we are also not technically married, lived together the last 3 years) I am scared of losing my son, I am with him way more than HE is since he is always away working.

Answer 1

Hi there,

I'm answering this question because I'm the daughter of a battered wife, and I know what it's like being a kid growing up in a home like that. I'm also a graduate psychology student, and I know what the statistics are like for boys who grow up in homes with abusive fathers: many will end up hitting their own wives. This statistic played out in my family; my dad's father beat him and his mom.

Here's the common "cycle of abuse" as studied by Lenore Walker in her book "The Battered Woman":

1. Incident: Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

2. Making up:
+ Abuser may apologize for abuse
+ Abuser may promise it will never happen again
+ Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
+ Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

3. Calm:
+ Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
+ Physical abuse may not be taking place
+ Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
+ Victim may hope that the abuse is over
+ Abuser may give gifts to victim

4. Tension building
+ Abuser starts to get angry
+ Abuse may begin
+ There is a breakdown of communication
+ Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
+ Tension becomes too much
+ Victim feels like s/he is "walking on egg shells"

5. Return to step 1.

Of course, not every relationship is the same and for many this cycle is different, but the elements are often pretty common.

The fact is, once a partner in a relationship has been hit, the chances of being hit again rise dramatically. This is a pattern, not an isolated event, and the cure isn't sex - it's leaving. Normal couples do not turn physically abusive without sex, and neither should yours.

You do have obligations as a wife: to be respectful, loving, and honest, for example - but he has those same responsibilities as your husband. By hitting you, he has betrayed your trust and your marriage. So since your marriage has been betrayed, your biggest obligations are to your child, and yourself.

And no, a court of law will not give custody to a man who hits his partner. You should start looking into women's shelters, who can give you a place to live and lots of help finding a job. Or just call one, tell them your situation, and ask them what they think.

My mom called a shelter twelve years ago. She told them, thinking they'd say, "It's not that serious..." but to her shock, they said, "Oh my god, please leave and come here immediately" and she realized that she was the "battered wife" that she'd read about in magazines.

This isn't about how much you love your husband right now, it's about what you are willing to do to protect your rights, your life, and that of your child.

Please don't wait for him to hit you again. Coming from a child of abuse: please get out as soon as you can, and don't go back.

Good luck.


EDIT: My father made well over $100,000 a year. We went from living in a mansion to living in shelters and basement apartments. She worked hard, saved up, and is now helping to put both me and my sister through college. She never regretted it and neither do I. I know this situation is probably just killing you. I know it hurts. And I know how confused you must feel about what to do it. All I can say is that help is out there, you aren't alone, and if you want to leave, you can.

Answer 2

My sister has been through that. But he kept apoligizing so she assumed that he was sorry. she had a son with him so she really didnt want to leave. But one day he actually drew a gun on her. You NEED TO GET OUT NOW! It may not seem like it now, but you are in a huge problem. It is important for you, your husband, and your kids for you to leave. The court will give you custody of the kids if you tell them that he has been hitting you. I dont think there is anything that the courts hate worse than domestic violence. Don't let him threaten you. You have all of the power because he can't take anything away from you unless you let him. The only thing that he can do is physically hurt you, that is why he is doing that, that is also why he is threatening to keep your kids. He knows that he cant, but he also knows that you dont know that. He can't hurt you anymore if you leave. You are probably thinking, well he hasn't done it for several months. But that isn't an excuse, your realationship obviously isn't working out and there are thousands of other people that have been/are in your situation. Some made the desicion to leave, and some stayed, but i am sure that anyone who looks back at it will tell you to GET OUT NOW. don't even try to give him excuses. you are in denial.

Answer 3

I have never been in your situation, Thank God! but never say never, right? However My sister is married to a guy who hits her happens every now and then. He gets drunk they fight he hits her. She doesn't mind, she's learned to defend herself and hits his a s s right back, actually has gone to jail for hitting him in the head with a frying pan not to long ago. If you are not married, I would leave, it's not good for you or your kid, he won't stop on his own, maybe if he gets help, who knows. Just be careful, though don't keep seeking these type of men out either! This is my sisters 2nd man in her life that has hit her more than once, that I know of. Also don't expect friends and fam or "answers" to help out after awhile, because they'll become very tired of you always running back or taking his side. The choice is yours hun! Good Luck! GET HELP!!!!!!!!!!if not for you for your KID!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S NOT HIS FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Try a womens shelter or family! Women end up dead in these types of relationships!

Answer 4

it will only get worse i promise. when i was 16 i moved in with a man 10 years my senior and at first he would push me and then he started to smack me but he always came back and said he was sorry and i always believed he wouldnt do it again, but it didnt eventually i was getting beat all the time...and i didnt know what to do but it came to a hault when he almost killed me.. even though you may not have the money to get away that is not an excuse, there are women shelters everywhere that can help you and trust a man like that is never sorry you need to go before it is to late b/c next time he may hurt you very bad and there might not be anyone to help you

Answer 5

No. I know you don't want to hear this but GET OUT NOW! Look at some of my previous questions. My hubby did that too. The final straw was the gun in my face. You're right, he down played it and told me I have certain duties.

I am in my own apartment now on my own, and going through the dissolution. I have a civil protection order against him, meaning if he calls or comes over, he goes to jail. I AM MUCH HAPPIER.

Good luck to you, just get out before it is too late. You may email me if you wanna chat.

Answer 6

most of the time the mom gets the kid.. especially if its found hes is abusive..
I have been hit by my ex.. (it took me awhile to leave too)
he hit me once.. and i guess he beat me for awhile almost (i was drunk and dont' remember)
another time
he threw an iron wine rack at me .. (i still stayed after that)
and then i finally got the courage to leave..(a few months later)

its hard to go especially when you feel like you don't have a place to go..but as hard as it its better to get out while you can.. i mean you dont' want your son to grow up and think that its okay.. i mean if he sees his dad do it.. he'll think its okay..

there are alot of assistance programs to help women in your situation..

good luck

if you feel like talking email me or something
[e-mail]

Answer 7

Get a job and get a divorce because physical assault is unacceptable. Are you going to be a slave for the rest of your life. If you divorce now you can get another, better, caring man but if you wait and you get old, you won't be able to get a man.

You can go to court and the court will decide. And you have a good point in court. You can say he beat you and that it is not safe to have your son live with him

Answer 8

sweetie work what out, he is beating your behind, that is not a man, because if he was a man he wouldnt hit you no matter what, you need to run for your life, how many times do you have to watch Oprah or Montell or other talk shows, do you want to end up on Dr Phils next story? do you want to wind up dead? get out of this relationship, dont go on letting yourself be abused and self esteem being lowered, find a man that will love and cherish you and when things get heated talk them out, he is an controlling SOB cant you see that, good luck

Answer 9

I really don't think so. If I were you, I would get a job and leave A.S.A.P. I've never had a guy hit me, but verbal and mentally assault hurts just as bad. I got out of that relationship. He was controlling too. You need to get out

Hope this helps :)

Answer 10

NO...He's a CONTROL Freak..No man should hit a woman..Get out of that relationship now!!!..No one should have to deal with that..how controlling, he sounds scary...get away for your own sake and your son's..you will find someone else in your life that truely loves you..dont stay with him..he might turn on your son one day so get out!