When is it okay to ask about a date's exes?

Question

I have heard people say it's bad form on the first date, but I think knowing about someone's past relationships helps understand them a lot, and lets me know their patterns a little too.

What do you think? Is it okay? If so, when and how would you bring it up?

Answer 1

It'a bit tricky. As you've seen from others answers, some people do not like to unearth the past. It's kind of normal to be interested in your partner past life, but not everybody want to discuss it, and it's their rights not to.

Let a couple of date goes by, and when you're ready to be more intimate, you can start with more innocuous questions like, when did you first had sex? or what is the longest time you've been with someone? Depending on the way they react to those questions you may feel if they are open to discuss the past or not. Try to keep the more "threatening" questions for those who are more open about it. Those would be the more precise "who", "when", "how", "how many"...

If they don't want to discuss it you have to respect their decision.

Answer 2

Definitely bad form on the first date. The first date should be about the two of you, not anyone else. Your relationship and impression of each other should be based on the present and your interaction with each other, not carrying over baggage from previous relationships.
But I think maybe by the third date you could start mentioning exes in general terms - "most of my boyfriends have been musicians/stoners/techies, so I admire someone with culture/goals/balance." Keep it upbeat and try to turn negatives into positives so you're not just griping - "my last boyfriend was a lying moron, so I appreciate your candor and wit." Don't pry about their relationships - they'll share when they are ready.
I have found that mentioning anything negative about an ex just makes YOU sound bad instead of the ex, so it's better to keep it neutral or positive.

Answer 3

I'd wait until it appeared that y'all might be following the path into a relationship...not a good first date question, unless it's very general such as "how long since your last relationship?" or if s/he's divorced "what caused it to end?"

I wouldn't get into detail about any past relationships on a first date, because people tend to forget where they are and the next thing you know, a lot of repressed feelings are surfacing...the first date should be light and fun...not he and she fussing about exs and how poorly they were treated, etc...

Find out more after the first date, if it appears there will be more dates...you can discuss this stuff too via phone calls or emails (however you correspond between dates) which might make it less heavy than when actually ON a date...

Answer 4

I don't think it's ever ok to ask about ex's. They're ex's for a reason...it's in the past. Leave it in the past. Why bring up past relationships and risk a major fight between you or even a break up? It's not really worth it if you want a good solid relationship with that person.
Good luck!

Answer 5

I think its okay to ask a very general question, such as "What types of people have you dated in the past" or "How have your past relationships gone" but no specifics, and definately no numbers.

Answer 6

Hmmm.... I know all my girlfriends exes because I was friends with her when she was dating them, but I'd ask when you get to know them better. A few dates I say.

Answer 7

You can ask when you guys start to talk about sex - it's much smarter to know sexual history than to be shy and end up with something nasty.

Answer 8

It's never OK to ask. You should only talk about it if they bring it up.

Answer 9

get to know them much better first. Eventually, if they do care about you they will tell you first.

Answer 10

hahaha you sound like me lol. i ask all my new bfs about their past exs b.c i want to know wut im getting myself into, and that's not necessarily a bad thin. at least that way you find out both of your intentions