If your wife has Alzheimer's is it wrong to look elsewhere for love?

Question

This is a disease where you can be dead but still alive if you see what I mean. If the person no longer knows or recognises you you do the vows still apply? You can say no and I won't be offended.

I am not the one personally involved with the problem thank goodness but I thought it was worth an airing on here. A very divided view so far. If it was me with the disease I would hope my partner would find what happiness they could. Still open to views on this difficult dilema....

Answer 1

Alzheimer's is such a debilitating, and undignified way to go.
It depends on how far on she is with the disease. she may not even remember who you are , and say the most awful things, because she cant help it.

Is it wrong ? no, i dont belive it is. some part of you still cares deeply for her or you would'nt be asking this question. If you do find love esle where , explain it to your new partner, and be discreet. the last thing you need to do is strip your current partner of any dignity she may possess.

I hope things work out for you, or whom ever you are asking the question for. The vows death do you part, and in sickness or in health can only go so far.

Answer 2

Some of these answers are pretty harsh, hasn't this guy got enough on his plate?

How far advanced is her Alzheimers? Is she in a home or living with you? You have made a vow to her but unfortunately vows get broken all the time, doesn't make it right though and I don't think its something you can decide on based on this bloody site!

Did you ever discuss something like this happening? Were you married a long time? Did you ever cheat on her? How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Does she have lucid moments?

This is too big an issue for a decision like that to be made easily. I hope you can find it in you to do the right thing for both of you.
God bless

Answer 3

The person with Alzheimers (depending on how far advanced it is) is no longer the person that their husband or wife fell in love with and married, they are merely a "shell". Memories, personality, everything is gone. Life with Alzheimers is excrutiatingly heartbreaking and the partners caring for them need help and support and sometimes a shoulder to cry on. This disease is the cruelest of the cruel, but I don't think it's right to knowingly go looking for love elsewhere but I can certainly understand the reasons why it would happen and would not judge.

Answer 4

My first instinct on this was to say yes it is wrong, however, working with vulnerable adults, some of whom actually have Alzheimers and Dementia, I find myself in a quandry.

I have known of people suffering this terrible fate for 20 years or more, by which time they really do not know anything about what is going on around them and can become extremely aggitated and sometimes violent. Though they can also be very loving.

Maybe looking for love outside of this type of relationship is the wrong way of putting it. You obviously loved your wife and still do.. Maybe you just need to get out more, find a companion that you can talk to. Love need not come into the equation, at least not while your wife is still legally your wife.

Best of luck to you and I hope you find the answer...

Answer 5

Is your wife at home or in a care center? How bad is her Alzheimer's? Does she remember you?

I really don't think you should look elsewhere while your wife is alive, but if she has early on-set Alzheimer's she could live for 10 years and not know you. The best thing for you to do is to talk to her family and your pastor about the situation. You should not find someone else while your wife is able to recognize you. When she gets bad enough to not know you, you could start to date if her family does not have a strong objection. Remember that your vows said "in sickness and in health" and you really should not date anyone at all.

Answer 6

That is a very difficult question with a very complicated answer.
If you are caring for your spouse at home still, you should not be having an affair.
If your spouse is consigned to a nursing home and completely unaware of you, and you continue to care for him/her financially, visiting, etc (everything humanly possible), then if you don't feel guilty about it, go for it--as long as the new person is fully apprised of your situation and accepts it.
It's no different from the Terri Shiavo thing in Florida. Her poor husband took a lot of grief for having a girlfriend and having children with her. He continued to visit and support Terri with the understanding of his new "wife".
Yes, there's the "death do you part" and "sickness and health" thing, but you can't be expected to move into a nursing home and let your own life end.
My dad has Alzheimer's. He's still at home, and my mom has NO time to meet another guy! But if the day comes when he doesn't know either of us and is in a nursing home, and my mom found love again, I would not be against it.
I know this isn't about you. But I hope you love the people involved enough to let them chose their own path without judgment.

Answer 7

I think the question you should ask is if you had Alzheimers, how would you feel if you wife decided to look elsewhere for love? I know people with Alzheimers are hard to deal with, especially when they are far gone, but you have to respect that person enough to atleast stay faithful until they die.

Now you shouldnt feel guilty if you have feelings for other women, but you shouldnt act on them. Or at the very least, get a divorce from your wife before you start looking elsewhere.

Answer 8

Wow, what a tough situation. Do I take it that the Alzheimers is pretty advanced? Do you have someone who could care for her while you go out on a date? I guess that some would say that you married "in sickness and in health" and you should stick to that, but they will not have lived in your shoes. Living with and looking after somebody with Alzheimers is as stressful as it gets and you must desperately need a break, so I would certainly not criticise or condemn you if you chose to find some sympathetic and compassionate female company.

My wife does not have Alzheimers and is fit and well, but she considers sex to be disgusting, so I understand how you must be feeling.

Answer 9

I can understand your need for comfort if you have lost your wife to Alzheimer's...it is like a bereavement, but the body hangs around long after the death...
What would your wife have said?
If she is so far gone in her dementia, you will need the support.
Try to remain true to the memory of your wife as she was, and don't flaunt any new relationship in front of her while she is alive...you never know if she may have a few more lucid moments and realise what's happening.
Good luck to you.

Answer 10

Dustin Hoffman did a great little scene in that old movie, "Little huge guy". He became residing in an Indian village and had an Indian spouse. The spouse brings her sister to him. it extremely is his kin duty to preserve her too now that her husband is ineffective. on the start there is hesitation, then he looks after (as in consumates the union with the hot bride). Coming back in to the teepee he sees his spouse's face is injury that he did it. It became custom, yet she privately was hoping he would not. Your spouse could be expertise and strong with the certainty which you have desires she won't fill. She could have "set you up" in hopes of bringing somewhat excitement and excitement at a time that of course isn't effortless on you the two. believe me in this, there'll be a matching injury on her face, or a minimum of in her heart, whilst she learns which you probably did. If the urges do get the extra effective of you and he or she asks in case you probably did, lie--in basic terms like she did whilst she pronounced she needed you to do it.