my 13 year old has started to self harm, i need advice?

Question

I feel like i am walking on egg shells and don't know where to turn. She is getting help from councillers but what about me & her dad.

Answer 1

Talk to her gently, depending whether she's an open or closed child. I cut for about six months when I had a really bad family experience and my sister died, my legs still have scars on them. Try and remove razors and pencil sharpeners, knives, anything sharp that's there but don't make it really obvious. It's a relief to cut yourself and the anger just goes when you cut. Luckily I got help from a councillor when I was 15 and got over my sisters death, but I couldn't talk to my mom about it. So depending on what your child is like talk to her, otherwise leave her to talk to her councillors, just be normal don't act like somethings different, my dad did that and it made me feel like I was an alien and doing something wrong. Try and involve them in every day activities with the family. I hope she stops cutting because I hate the scars it left on my legs.

Answer 2

Take her to an acupuncturist if she is open to it and you can afford it. Don't expect nothing from NHS acupuncturists. There might be some good ones but ultimately they are GP's with an extra year or so of studdies so they are qualified to call themselves acupuncturists.
Acupuncture will not treat the cutting but the acupuncture will affect her biochemistry and i will vouch personally as to the fact that acupuncture can reach the parts that the pharmaceuticals can't. It can lift her spirit and help her to face the world with a different mindset if you can find the right acupuncturist.
Cutting is a coping mechanism. You can pin it down to a mental condition but ultimately the pain that causes people to cut is oh so real. Don't feel the need to walk on egg shells. Find a way to confront your daughter in a constructive way after you have given acupuncture some more thought.
Having worked my way through councellors, psychiatrist and psychologist i can honestly say for every good one there are at least 50 that will be a total waste of money.
And the solution has to come from inside.
I used to cut at 15. It was half attention and half inside pain. But by cutting they listened. I outgrew it very quickly, probably partly thanks to the people around me at the time. Not that they were my parents, mind you.
At 28 i had some major stress in my life and found myself cutting and it took me best part of 10 years to get over the urge to cut when pushed in a corner.
Cutting happens when there is no where else to go. You and her dad should really look into why she feels she has no where else to go. And don't expect the solution to come from councillors. it is within her and her environment.

Answer 3

I was about thirteen when I started cutting and my parents found out when I was fourteen. I am now 16 going 17 and still cut. My parents weren't very helpful and did things such as hiding the spare razor blades which I had nicked to cut with which wasn't much of a deterrent, but made me a bit suicidal as my coping mechanism had been taken away. Also I would not suggest that you encourage writing a diary just so you can read it, but encourage it as this provides another way of dealing with whatever it was that made her want to self-harm. Reading it will make her lose her trust in you, as I did when my mother read my diary and I caught her trying to look at it several times after I had confronted her about it. I still self harm and think my problem could have been sorted had I been able to trust my feelings being written down on paper with no one seeing it. Also if I were you I would not confront her in a "why are you doing this? what have I done wrong?" as she will just hide her feelings more so that she does not upset you. It might help for you to see someone to gain advice on how to cope with her, like a counsellor or your local mental health group. If she needs someone else to talk to you can give her my details - joyhardyman2003 on yahoo, or [e-mail] . All the best xx

Answer 4

Hiya
i myself was a self harmer in fact i still am, i have a reason behind it and that means you daughter has something bad on her mind, really there's not much point in you forcing it out of her
as this will drive her to hurting herself more. Try her friends and ask them if anything is happened in her life that you don't know about. I am sorry to say that this will take along time and in the mean time all you can do is be there for her. I OD as well then ended up in a mental hospital for 4weeks that didn't help me much either, i am on anti depressants now and without them i would not be hear.

Answer 5

There is a lot of good advice here. Please DON'T however, pester her with "why are you doing this?" questions. Chances are, she won't even be able to answer you. Be supportive, dont yell at her or be disappointed if she does slip up, just remind her how strong she is being and that you are there for her. If she does cut, make sure she is safe, ie no dirty/rusty blades and plenty of medical supplies. Maintain her privacy - don't think that invading her privacy will stop her. Let her know you are prepared to listen to her, then wait and let her make the first move. Good luck. You sound like very supportive parents. My parents never knew about my self-harm.

Answer 6

leave her alone if she wants to be alone. Don't push her to talk about it because it can be a hard matter to explain but let her know she can talk if she wants. Sympathy from too many adults might make her really uncomfortable, and even if you are worried, dont show it. But show that your not exaclty comfortable with it either. Don't let her think its ok. Its a really tough situation, because the parent always wants to pull in the child closer and the child always wants to pull away...and to be honest I don't know which way is right. Don't treat her any different unless it's your actions that make her want to do this...then i suggest changing your ways a bit, but other wise treat her like you always did. I self harm and I am 14. Most people hide it because they are afraid of not being accepted, therefore accept her. Don't go through her room like my mom does, I HATE it and it only ruins trust even more. Give her some privacy but dont cut her out of your life, don't try to invade her life either. Ask her if she wants to go shopping or something, little things like that. LAUGH with her. Make a joke. Show a side of humor. It might make her more comfortable if you arent so serious and concerned all the time. Be a happy person. Just show that she's important to you. Don't make her show you her skin, don't ask her if she's cut lately, leave that to the counslers. Show her the sunset, point out simple yet beautiful things to help her find some meaning in life. If you see rubber bands on her wrist, don't say anything, snapping rubber bands is a way help quit cutting. Take them away and you leave sharp objects as the next choice. Let her draw and write what she wants. Its better then hurting herself right? you might think distubing drawings or writting are unhealthy, but in this case its a good thing. My mom took away my rubber bands, won't let me draw or write to let out what I feel, goes through my room a lot and worries all the time. Don't be like my mom please. She makes me feel so guilty and regretful. She hardly ever laughs or makes a joke. Don't be like my mom. Don't make your daughter feel like a bad person who has done something she can never be forgiven forand that can never be put in the past. Tell her it will get better if you believe it will...thats all I ever wanted to hear.

My friend (also a cutter) made a little website about self harm support. Check it out. http://www.freewebs.com/razorbladexromance3/friendsandfamily.htm

Answer 7

I used to self harm, for 5 years. I actually did it to punish myself for something I really had no control over.
To this day I don't think my parents ever found out.

The other day on BBC radio 4 there was a documentary on self harm. (Actually it was mostly about boys who self harm but it still has lots of useful advice) http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/womanshour/02/2006_41_fri.shtml

Anyway the thing to remember is that in some ways physical injury is far less harmful than psychological pain. Your child is coping with something in a different way to most people.

You could try seeing a councilor yourself about this - if you can talk about your feelings on it then you may understand things more clearly.

I hope things go well for you and your family.

Answer 8

That's bad!:'( Let her talk to the counciller, if she wants to, and talk to her about self harm, tell her what will happen if (s)he does self harm and tell her she'll regret badly when (s)he does it. Try doing some fun stuff, like talking funny conversations, get her off the computer, (that makes people badly depressed) Get her to get her mind off the self harm and try to be the parents EVER! Also tell her how everybody cares for her. Bring her for a treat too!

Answer 9

I've been a cutter for the past 15 years and have some experience with this for sure.

The best advice I can give is just be there for her, remind her that you're there if she needs someone to talk to, and don't yell at her for it or say it's stupid.

She's hurting inside about something big...that's apparent. She's most likely having a hard time coping with something such as abuse issues or some kind of struggle inside of her.

Answer 10

I've been self harming myself for 12 years. (Cutting, burning, starvation, hitting... you name it) I hid it very well... If i were you i would sign her into a hospital... I would do daily body checks to make sure she isnt hurting herself. I just want to tell you that my 12 years of hurting myself doesnt look pretty on my body... im SOOO embarressed now being 24 with so many cuts. It gets worse over the years... its never to deep enough... I ended up getting stitches a lot of times. I would even hide razors behind posters in my room incase anyone came to take them away. It also led me to other things... overdosing... You cant ignore it! I dunno what really else to say... If you ever need to ask me any questions you can email me at [e-mail]
Good Luck!