I am always getting disappointed in people. Should I lower my standards?

Question

What do you expect in a friend? What ever I do or who ever I care about I give them a 100%. I don't expect the same from other people but I do expect them to remember important info or be there for me when I need them. Do you think that it is to much to ask a friend (who has two kids and is in the military) to e-mail you at least twice a week if your in two differnet states? Also what are your standards for friendships? and have you ever been let down?

Answer 1

Yes, you're expecting too much. I wouldn't say 'lower your standards' because that's not really what you're doing. You have to understand that people have their own lives, and are usually pretty busy. The reason that they're not emailing you as much as you would like is probably because they have a lot going on. I wouldn't take it personally.
It's great that you're so dedicated as a friend, but it's very easy to become cynical when you don't get back from people what you feel you put in. Before you get too upset or disappointed with people, trying seeing things from their viewpoint, and maybe things will make more sense.

Answer 2

People need a certain amount of attachment and act accordingly. So a person with two kids may not have as much room for a friend as a person with no kids. Time availability is also a factor. A single person may have a simple life where it is easy to remember the few things that go on. However, a person with two children may be overwhelmed and unable to remember everything. A person with two kids may have experienced life as a single adult and may understand where that person is coming from, however, a single person probably can't comprehend the life of a parent with two children.

Oftentimes single people are friends with other single people and parents with children are friends with other parents because their needs are better matched.

Because you use the words/phrases "disappointed", "lower my standards", "give 100%" and "let down", I think you would be best served by making new friends who are available to you and who highly value friendship. Your old friend is going to put his/her children first and isn't going to have much energy left over for you.

Another person in the same situation might see things from a different perspective. A person might realize that she/he hasn't been in the same situation as the friend and therefore can't judge that person or set standards for that person. This person might realize that his/her friend is a trustworthy person who does as much as possible with the friendship.

Answer 3

WELL WHAT KIND OF FRIEND ARE YOU? IF YOUR FRIEND HAS 2 KIDS AND SHE IS IN THE MILITARY DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT SHE HAS THE TIME TO E-MAIL YOU, NOT LIKELY AND IF YOU WERE A FRIEND YOU WOULD NOT EVEN BE MENTIONING THIS IT'S PETTY AND YOU SHOULD REALIZE THAT NOT EVERYONE HAS A FREE MIN ESPECIALLY IF YOUR A MOM E-MAIL AND COMPUTERS ARE FOR FEE TIME OR WORK THOSE WHO USE IT AS A LUXURY THEN GOOD FOR YOU BUT I'M SURE YOUR FRIEND HAS BETTER THINGS TO DO, WHY DON'T YOU CALL HER ON THE PHONE . WHY WONT YOU GO AND SEE IF YOU COULD DO SOMETHING FOR HER INSTEAD OF BEING PETTY ABOUT AN E-MAIL. MY BEST FRIEND AND I DON'T SEE OR TALK MUCH BUT I KNOW SHE CARES AND LOVES ME AND IF I NEED HER SHE IS AN EAR AWAY MAYBE YOU TURN PEOPLE OFF WITH YOUR WAYS ? MY STANDARDS FOR FRIENDS ARE TO RESPECT MY FRIENDS AND THE THINGS IN WHICH WE CAN NOT CHANGE AND EMBRACE ALL THAT OUR FRIENDSHIP HAS TO OFFER YOUR A PERSON WHO SEEMS LIKE WHAT YOU GIVE IS WHAT YOU WANT BACK AND THAT'S NOT HOW FRIENDSHIPS WORK SOMETIMES FRIENDSHIPS ARE ONE SIDED AND THAT'S BECAUSE THE OTHER FRIEND IS IN NEED AND I'M THE ONE TO HELP WITH OUT BOARDERS SO RETHINK YOURSELF AND FRIENDSHIPS . IT'S YOU NOT HER .

Answer 4

I have definitely been let down in past relationships. Sometimes I am able to get past it; other times not. However, I do think you are expecting too much from a friend, with kids, in the military to e-mail you twice a week. Constant communication is not the only sign of a healthy and caring relationship. Try to relax on this one.

Answer 5

I expect friends to stand on their own two feet and only ask for help when they truely need it and not use me, steal, lie, etc. Just be good Christian folks with a desire to do what is right and good...people who don't try to justify the bad things they do (for example they would say it's ok to steal from Walmart b/c they are rich) It is so hard to find that b/c most people out there today are not good hearted like that.. they only care about what they want and they don't care what they have to do or who they have to hurt to get it. Anytime I have lowered my standards, I have had very unhappy results and have gotten involved with people I otherwise wouldn't have. I don't expect perfiection...just goodness and I don't think you are asking too much either!

Answer 6

I do the same, i usually always do more for one person and thats usually one i care more about. I have learned to lower my standards only bc if i dont then i expect more then i get my feelings hurt. Just be the good friend u know to be and in the end they will remember that!!

Answer 7

I know exactly what you are going thru!!! Lowering your standards is not the way to go. I have a few friends, 3, that are good friends. I have had to let go of "best" friends plenty of times because not all people are real. You just have to be strong and think about who really cares for your best interest. As hard as it can be, you will feel better.

Answer 8

Everybody has let me down at some point in my life. I've always been a better friend and relative than anyone has been to me. I had to learn to not expect too much from people and then when you get the slightest little bit of help you feel much better. Stop trying so hard for everyone's approval. They don't care much about anything other than themselves.

Answer 9

about lowering your standards-depends on how old you are.

people don't always have as much free time as you may think they do. especially people in the military. We work long days sometimes and barely have time enough to sleep eat and get ready to go back to work again. To expect two emails a week may be too much to expect. And due to their commitments they may not be able to be there for you.

review reality before getting upset about it.

Answer 10

I've felt disappointed in people I considered friends before. It's not a good feeling. Some of the time, I've really looked at our relationship and figured they didn't feel as close to me as I did to them, other times it is a time issue. I don't have time to talk to my closest friends every week, with a family and work and other commitments, but when we do talk or see each other, I make sure they know how much I care about them and love them. It's about quality, not quantity!