who will be going to jail, and moving across the country, with grandparents they don't even know? Do I tell my 9 year old why daddy went to jail. He already is aware that dad has a problem with alcohol and marijana, though I have been very careful to sheild him from the extent of it. Please don't be rude, this is hard enough as it is. I just need some advice on how and what to tell my kids.
2006-10-16 07:17:45 · 18 answers · asked by MC 5 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
What a horrible thing. Thank you all so much for your suport and words of advice.
2006-10-21 12:34:17 · update #1
What a terrible position you are in. I only wished my mom would have been concerned on how to tell us she was leaving my stepdad besides just uprooting us. In my opinion I don't know what type of person their father is but, if he was good to the children I would not tarnish that memory of him by telling your children he is in jail. I would just say something like your dad has been sick and has to stay here an get better. We are going to get a fresh start and move to have new adventures together. Your nine year old will have the hardest time becuase he will have to change school and leave his friends. I would be extra supportive to him he will need it. Try and let him understand the good parts about moving to a new place. Also, these grandparents he has never met must still love your children if you will be moving with them. Let your children know that the grandparents love them and want to spend time with them. And it is not fair to keep them from the grandparents meeting them and spending time with them. I would also let them know that their dad will be okay and it is not a bad thing moving away. Just make them understand that no matter what the dad has to stay here. Try to be as gentle as possible and make sure you give them lots of hugs and wipe their tears because I would say that your nine year old will probably have some. He may even be mad at you and throw a fit but, no matter what just hug and love on them so they understand this is for the best. I wish you all the best it is nice to know that some parents really have compassion to talk to their children. I have four children of my own and could not imagine being in your shoes right now.
2006-10-16 07:26:56 · answer #1 · answered by momdadand4kids 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Most importantly, be honest! The nine year old will be able to understand that daddy has some problems that got him into trouble, and it doesn't mean he doesn't love them, but that it's something he will have to work through by himself. Make sure they know it had nothing to do with them, or anything they did. It will be a hard transition for all of you no doubt, but you can do this! When they really want to know more, they will ask. At that point, just be as honest as you can. Kids can be very resilient, and they will take their cues from you. So take care of yourself too, and try to think positive about the future. I wish you all the best!
2006-10-16 14:29:57 · answer #2 · answered by rebecca_sld 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
The best thing to do with the nine year old is to be honest. I'd start the conversation with both of them saying "Dad made a very big mistake. ((Explain what he did in an age appropriate manner)) He's going to have to go to jail for X amount of time." Then let the conversation flow from there. They may ask questions. They may not. It's important for them to know the truth and feel comfortable with it. Let them know that sometimes people make mistakes like their dad and they have to pay the consequences. Also let them know just because he made a mistake doesn't make him love them less and doesn't mean they should feel any different towards him. Let them know it's not their fault in anyway. I know it's hard but it has to be done. After getting done with the serious conversation, let them know about where you are going, show them their new school, their new house, and all the neat things they can do in the new location. Let them help pack or make cookies for their grandparents. Make them feel included. Best of luck!
2006-10-16 14:25:43 · answer #3 · answered by .vato. 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
The 9 year old could probably face the truth and understand it, but the 4 year old may have trouble. I recommend telling them separately. What to tell the 4 year old? Probably best to just tell him/her that daddy has done something wrong and will need to be away from the family for a long time. When they are older, you can go into more detail.
2006-10-16 14:26:10 · answer #4 · answered by solidwhetstone 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think basically they are old enough to have questions, so start by explaining to them that you are moving. Then ask for their questions and concerns (i'm sure they will have tons). Explain that drugs are bad and when you cant stop doing them the law steps in because they are illegal and that they are just going to be helping daddy by keeping him off these drugs. Remind BOTH of your children that you and their father love them very very much and that they did NOT do anything wrong. They can learn from this at a very early age that drugs are not good. They dont want to lose things they love because of drugs so they shouldnt start.
My dad went to jail when i was 4 for drugs. I dont do drugs. I have a real understanding of the consequences by seeing first hand.
I know this will be hard but just keep reminding your kids how much they are loved.
Bless you!
2006-10-16 14:20:37 · answer #5 · answered by camoprincess32 4 · 8⤊ 0⤋
Can their father be a part of the first conversation? If so, I would definetly have him tell them he is going to jail and why. It's important that he say goodbye to them.
After that you will need to have lots and lots of conversations with them. Never shut them down by crying or being short on answers. They will have many feelings about this and it will take time. Always tell them it's okay to feel what they are feeling angry, scared or just not caring at the moment.
Definetly take care of you. Reward yourself, congratulate yourself, join a gym, take a class, meet people your age, make new girlfriends, do whatever it takes so that you stay positive and encouraged through the changes that are coming.
2006-10-16 14:35:02 · answer #6 · answered by BParker 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Tell them that things aren't working out between you and their daddy. Tell them that daddy has some problems & you all have to stay with grandma & grandpa. Your 9 yr old will probably understand since they are older but the 4 yr old will probably need more explaining I'm sure. They'll think you one day for getting them out of this situation..trust me!
Good Luck honey!
2006-10-16 14:23:46 · answer #7 · answered by beachbum26 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I'm so sorry.
How insane for the govt to jail people for substance abuse. Or did he hurt other people with his behavior (it's the govt hurting everyone now, unless his marijuana/alcohol use itself hurt others as in drunk driving or theft for the cash.)
If he's being jailed for possession, I would certainly be political and teach the kids that sometimes the govt has stupid laws and good people suffer. If he hurt other people and that's why he's being jailed, I would talk about how daddy has to essentially be put in a time out, be punished, that the country as a group has said that daddy's actions require him to stop and think about what he's doing and it's really really sad but he has to go away to do this.
This will be very sad and there's no way to tell them to not make it sad. The important thing to do is let them express their sadness, fear, anger, rage, disappointment, whatever. Encourage them to draw pictures about it, write letters to daddy about it, write to the president about it. Tell them you will always be there for them and these new grandparents are waiting to love them and help them and you will miss daddy very very much and you will build a new good life for them to keep them safe from this.
All the best.
2006-10-16 14:31:02 · answer #8 · answered by cassandra 6 · 0⤊ 3⤋
Be honest with your children but don't go into great detail..I think for the elder child it will be enough to say Daddy has been naughty and has to go away...children are very astute and don't miss much of what is happening in a family...good luck its a nasty position to be in.
2006-10-16 14:26:24 · answer #9 · answered by geordie.lady 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
There really isn't an easy way. Any way you tell them it's going to hurt. I'm truly sorry that you have to go through this. Be honest with them and answer their questions as they ask them. Add in that they are going to meet some very special people.
God bless you and help you, really.
2006-10-20 17:54:56 · answer #10 · answered by greylady 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋