What do I do?

Question

I am a stay at home mom. My husband works 50+ hrs. a week. I can't get a job because I don't have a car, and since I don't have a car, I don't have a job so I can't afford to buy one. I feel like a prisoner of my home and am at my witts end with being around children all the time (no family that can help with that, and a husband who don't like to take me out much, unless it's grocery shopping..woohoo) It has been like this for over 2 years now and I know that I am severely depressed, also on the verge of being an alcoholic (I don't get drunk when I am taking care of my kids, just everynight when they are asleep and my husband is home) I feel like my hands are tied behind my back, and I can't escape the menotony (spelling). I could take a bus to work, but I don't have anyone to watch my children and can't afford childcare anyways (Ive looked into it, it would take up the majority of my earning capabilities). Suggestions?

Answer 1

You would benefit from a change of attitude and introducing some fun in your life in the following ways.

First, you do not realize how lucky you are and how fortunate your children are that you are able to stay home with them fulltime...this will greatly increase the chance of them turning out to be great kids as kids need our time much more than things.

However, you must immediately stop all drinking as this could ruin everything for you and for your kids. Cold turkey while it is still relatively easy and you are not trapped in the hell of alcoholism.. The fact that you see yourself at risk of alcoholism is the first step to changing. what now seems a pleasurable diversion will one day be a living he## for you and your loved ones if you don't nip it in the bud immediately.

I was a stay at home mom over 16 years and when my ex husband left me for another, I went to college...I am ever so grateful looking back that I was able to be there in the home with my kids for so many years who were top award winners and wonderful and productive people now (they are grown)..I recognize that my staying home had a lot to do with them turning out so well. So many moms long to be in that position.

Living with a workaholic man (that made no money either) was extremely hard but truth be told even that hardship woven into the fabric of my life -along with my thriftiness -allowed me to stay home and thus benefitted my children in the long run. I also was spared the hassels jobs and bosses bring and was able to do things in life I would not be able to if saddled with the time consumed and responsibiliies of working outside the home.

I did find work to do that gave me extra money and where I could take my kids...I delivered phone books many years (I could take them with me and they helped and I paid them a little for their help), babysitting, house cleaning, and once even put trinkets in capsules for gum ball machines (a simply horrible, low paying job but you could take the boxes home and do it)..

search the internet for things like that that you could do at home to make extra money and save to eventually buy a cheap car at like volunteers of America/Salvation Army car auctions..Also look for ways to cut back and save money.

Meanwhile walk places around your neighborhood and make up little adventures with your kids..also go fun places on the bus..going different places and doing different activiites each day.
In most big cities, buses can take you nearly everywhere.

Also try to find volunteer work where they either have child care or you can take your kids. Take up hobbies that you enjoy. Look back to what you liked doing as a kid and do that as you will probably still like it. Read and also make sure to allow some time in your day for just you. Look for books for others in your situation or that suggest activities and places to go to relieve boredom..places to go on a showstring and fun things to do and even ways to make money from home..books abound in these topics.

Get to know other mothers (either in the neighhborhood or groups like LaLeche, etc) and barter with other moms for babysitittng time when you can either go someplace fun on the bus or just take time for yourself at home. There are other mothers also longing to find a babysitter that can't afford it that would be willing to exchange services or even a group of moms where one mom takes all the kids once or twice a week allowing the others time for themselves. Your challenge is finding them. Try places where kids hang out like dance classes, the parks department, and kid's activiites to find other moms in your situations.

Also talk with your husband about your need to get out once and a while. Ask him for a date night at least 2 or 3 times a month...taking kids. too, if necessary (call it a family day then if you want)..talk to him about being a cheap car..or at least adding a movie or something to the grocery shopping day. It will be good for you, him, and your kids to do things together outside the home that are fun. At least once a week should be just the two of you. Make sure he truly understands the depth of your feelings and your concern about the risk you are in and the boredom you feel.

By recognizing how very lucky your kids are and by being greatful for this time with them (because trust me this time will pass quicker than you realize and one day you will long for having your kids there again) and by trying to go places with them by foot or walking, taking up hobbies, doing stay at home work, reading, volunteering, bartering babysititng with other moms (even placing an ad if necessary), seeking them through the parks, ads, etc, and talking with your husband and brainstorming solutions, you can and will work out solutions.

Please try! Good luck! There are much better solutions than alcoholism to your dilemma.

Answer 2

Besides the drinking part, I feel in the same situation as you. Not having a car is extremely annoying, and means going anywhere is a logistics nightmare as public transport gets you only so far. I end up staying inside much more than I'd like, or else take the same walk to the pond that we take pretty much everyday. What you need to do is find a mommy club. I dont know if you live in a rural area or a larger city, but even in smaller places they have something like that. And if there isnt yet, try to start one as I KNOW there are lots of other people in your same situation. You need to have adult interaction in your life, I know that is what I miss the most by being a stay at home mom. Perhaps a job you can do from home. I have a friend who sells The Body Shop products from home since she stays home with her 3 kids... would you be interested in something like that? Start a fun hobby you can do while the kids are napping (mine has become to answer other people's ?'s on here...not quite a fun hobby but oh well). Really sit down and talk with your husband about how you are feeling, perhaps he doesnt realise how bored you've gotten. Maybe finances can be worked out so you could get a part time job near where you live? I do sympathise with you, and hope things get better. Drinking isnt the answer, it will only make things worse as I am sure you know.

Answer 3

You have a few choices. First off, stop the alcohol. You will, if you are not already, become dependent. You seem to pride yourself on not drinking around you kids. The path you are on will lead you to not even care if you continue. Secondly, you have the internet. I have heard of jobs you can get online right there at home. I don't know what exactly they are, but I have heard of them. I know a few couples that do not desire to leave their children with a caregiver, so, they work different shifts. This would also aliviate the need for a second car until you got a check. Be careful though. When you get back out into the world you will be surrounded by temptations that are not healthy for a married woman. An outside job could cost you your marriage if you aren't strong. I know a lot of people with experience on that. But wait, didn't you say something about childcare? That means that your children are still small. If you only knew how bad I would like to stay home with my kids and so would many other parents. Don't get me wrong, you feel used, helpless, like a waste, your life is going no where.... Yeah, I know the drill. I was there once and it isn't a good feeling. But, once you start working and having that extra income, you can't really go back. Not and live comfortably too.
Could you babysit for extra money? What about friends around that are also stay at home moms. You guys could plan a couple of days a week to get together at the park or at one of your homes, probably yours since you don't have transportation. But you have to pull yourself out of this "poor me" rutt. Life is what you make of it. Your husband is working a lot of hours to provide for you and your children. You need to give him credit for all he does. I am not saying he is perfect, I don'tknow him, but, you aren't perfect either and you both will have to work through this together to save your marriage.
You could also look into selling avon or home interior. Parties are fun to do. They also have "sex" parties, just for women. I am not sure how you would get into that. It isn't actually sex, it is just a display of sex toys. I had a ball at the party, although I didn't have the money to buy anything and would have been too embarrassed to at the time anyway. There is a lot of things you can do, just get your head out of your behind and go do it girl.
Life is what you make of it, do you want to make it or do you want to drink and cry it away?

Answer 4

Have you talked to your husband? It sounds like you are on the verge of some serious trouble. I'm sure your husband would have some good ideas if he's a keeper. If he doesn't care, then it's time to seriously re-evaluate your relationship. It sounds like you could benefit from therapy, too. Depression is something that needs to be treated immediately, like any medical condition.

Eventually your kids will have to go to school - at age 4 or 5 it's kindergarten time. Why do you want a job, anyway? Do you need the extra cash, or the autonomy that comes with having a job? Or do you just need to get away from the kids of a while?

You can always try a job where you can work from home. Hope this helps... good luck!

Answer 5

I'm not sure if your need is to be child free to give you some time for yourself, or to be able to get a job. If you're mainly seeking some freedom from home, a playgroup or support group for stay at home moms would be helpful. Many of them will have transportation to get you out of the house, and will even trade babysitting favors. If the need is a job for financial reasons, I would suggest two things. Find a job that is along the route of public transportation and apply for childcare assistance. The government will assist in payments for childcare to allow you to seek and maintain employment. This is no permanent solution, but will temporarily help out so that you can get on your feet. I'm no advocate of abusing the system, but in times of need, use it. Put our tax dollars to good use.

Answer 6

Have you considered working out of your home? My aunt did a lot of at-home stuff to earn enough money to buy a used car so she could get a better paying job. I remember she did a lot of things at once, too. For instance, you know those little things you get out of quarter machines at the supermarket, rings and stickers, etc., that come in those little plastic bubbles with lids? She put those things in the plastic bubbles; she did this while watching TV, and even her kids got in on the act (they got to keep the defect merchandise, too!)

Or you could look into jobs that offer childcare; most call centers I know have some kind of childcare facility on grounds; citigroup and verizon are examples in my area.

If your husband works so much, couldn't some of his income be used to go to babysitting?

As for drinking and depression, I'd start seeking support groups for that, as well.

Answer 7

How about taking walks with the kids. Is there a park nearby? How about a play group. Or sometimes you meet mothers in a play group that love to take turns watching each others children so one mother can have time to herself to do whatever she wants. Just sit at home doing nothing. Go shopping. Get you nails done. Anything but without your children. Try it, it's great.

Answer 8

You definately need to have a LONG talk with your husband & explain to him exactly how you feel. I think at least one night a week when he gets home from work or one day on the weekend should be YOURS. You should be able to take the car & do whatever you want to do and he should take care of the kids.

Answer 9

I think you need to sit down and have a good long talk with your husband. You are a prisoner in your own home.

If working outside the home is not an option, then look into volunteering at the local Y where you can take your child(ren) with you, so you can get the adult compansionship you deserve.

Good luck. What your husband is doing is bordering on spousal abuse if you ask me.

Answer 10

You need to have someone come in at least once a week and let you go run some errands, shop or go treat yourself. That is the only way you will get out of your rut. You need to spend some quality time with yourself and treat yourself, because you deserve it.
You may have to take a bus to get where you are going, unless one of your girlfriends would go with you or lend you a car.
You have to make time for yourself or you'll go crazy and it sounds like you are almost there.
Please take care of yourself.
And ... talk to your husband and let him know that you need to do this and he should support you if he has half a brain.

Answer 11

Find something that interests you. Whether it's sewing or painting or whatever. Take time for yourself. THen when your husband's at home whether it be during the week or on the weekend, make him watch the kids and make time for yourself and go do something fun. Also, try inviting other stay at home moms over once per week for a play date. Take the bus to their home if possible and rotate.