How do you convince daughter & son-in-law to be united with rules in front of their children's bad behaviour?

Question

Their children know that the parents disagree on what they can or cannot do and act up accordingly.

Answer 1

I sympathize with you and understand but honestly you are just hitting your head against the wall. You raised your daughter and the way you raised her is different from the way your son in law was raised. If you keep trying to give them input it will cause trouble between them as a couple as she is forced to deal not only with her bickering kids and her husband but also you. Back away and if the problem is too severe you will have to do whatever it takes to make sure that you are not harmed or things that you own are not harmed by disrespectful grandchildren. Maybe making them unwelcome in your home might be the only thing that makes both parents sit up and unify. I know my well being is more important the older I get as it is too hard to recover from illness caused by stress as it should be for you. Visiting with your family should not be an ordeal so control what you can and let them take care of their own problems.

Answer 2

Whether here or elsewhere, you've probably heard the full range of answers from intervening to completly ignoring the situation. The problem is that neither extreme is probably the best.

As you wrestle with what is going to work for you, I think there are some things worth considering:

- In the end grandchildren are the parents' responsibility.
- Grandparents generally have a role to play in most family dynamics, but this role is very different than that of the parental role
- You get to set the rules for your house, not someone else's
- Generally, the role of a parent changes as their children mature into adulthold. The responsibilities of a parent of a toddler are different than that of a parent of an adult child with or without their own family
- Again, in most family dynamics, grandparents have a role to play (as well as a role as the parent of an adult child).
- Most analysts of family dynamics will agree with your concern that there is a negative outcome to parents not being united when "facing" their children.
- I firmly believe in "onstage" and "offstage" discussions. If parents must disagree (though consensus building and compromise would be better), then they should do it "offstage". That is, they should discuss their disagreements in private and not in front of children.
- This is a "give and take" type of situation.

So the above is what I think our pertinent factors towards working to answer this question, and ultimately for you, to decide what is going to best for your individual circumstances. I do think it is very important to start with the understanding that you ultimately do not have the responsibility or authority over your child's home. Once understanding that, however, you can work towards finding a way to be a support.

I think parents who try to offer support and counsel to their children in such a way that fully respects the right of the child to ignore that advice and that respects the authority of their adult child, will get much farther. I've seen parents who have so many good things to say to their adult children, but they spoil the opportunities with poor delivery.

Perhaps it will work to try to remember: Support not demand.

Depending upon the relationship that you have with your daughter and son-in-law, as well as any past experiences with lending counsel, this really is something that is important to communicate if at all possible. But sometimes, the delivery is even more important than the message. One communication technique would be to relate it to past experience rather than being right because you "just know".

Answer 3

Honnnnnnnk! Two minutes for interference! You can't make these people do anything about their kids, that's their job. What you can do is set rules about what you will tolerate in Your space. See what I mean? It's not going to be easy, but worthwhile things seldom are. So take charge of the space you occupy and make sure that the rules are understood and applied evenly and fairly. I can't/won't tell you what the rules are, it is after all your space and your lives.

Answer 4

Wow, i could extremely prefer to easily say "properly, that's in basic terms the way Mormons are" yet that's not genuine, my finished kin is Mormon, yet i've got in no way had subject with them like this. Her faith is her very own justification for habit, whether that's not the reason. She has some extreme matters that she hides in the back of her ideals. my own brother in regulation had a matching project together with his spouse, we observed him at Christmas for 20 minutes, and did not see him lower back till I married his brother in September. regrettably, his marriage could not be saved and that they at the instant are divorced, and dealing with custody matters. the suited you're able to do is be there whilst your son calls on you, devoid of judgement. Blood is larger than something, and if she's a respectable Mormon she will quickly comprehend that each Mormon Prophet has given a minimum of one speech with regard to the magnitude of households. i'm hoping the best for you, your son, and your grand-daughters EDIT- I trust rrosskopf's theory to speak to her bishop, not in a tattling sort of way, yet to truthfully help your loved ones.

Answer 5

you chalk that up to a difference in how each of the "parents" in this case were raised. Thats a discussion that should have been had prior...........to having children. Since kids will "play" one parent against the other anyhow.

Answer 6

Unfortunately, this isn't your battle to fight. If the kids see that grandma and grandpa also disagree with the already disagreeing parents, it will be total and complete chaos. More than it already, probably, is.

Answer 7

Show them this question and leave them alone... it was your turn to raise kids now is theirs

Answer 8

You stay out of it and let them handle it, they are not your kids.

Answer 9

talk to them