My husband & I have just allowed my husband's 15 year old brother to live with us.?

Question

He has lived a hard life with his father being an alocholic and his mother on drugs. He is a good kid at heart but he has a few rough patches. Of course, I do not expect him to change over night. I just need some guidance on how to parent him. I am only 21 years old; my husband is 23 and we have a small child that is almost 2. We are responsible and grown up for the most part. That is not the problem. He is in the stage of girls and from his past experiences, he thinks drugs and drinking are cool. How do I discipline him without being too hard? I have mastered the two year old but its a really big jump from 2 to 15. The two are totally different. He also has stopped going to school (which was something that happened BEFORE he came to live with us) and now he doesn't want to return. We have talked of homeschooling and he is excited about it. How do I get him up on the right path again?

Answer 1

I can understand that you are in a challenging situation. It's going to take a lot of patience and teaching the same lessons repeatedly. You and your husband have the responsibility of teaching him that a lot of what was taught by his parents (even by example) was wrong. That's 15 years of teaching that you're going against. Find what interests him and keep him busy with it. The best way that I know of to discipline him is to remove what is most entertaining to him for a short period of time. The key is to remember that although he is at an age that you would expect him to know right from wrong, you only know what's considered wrong by being taught. The things that your household may consider to be unacceptable may have been acceptable for him over the past 15 years. He must be retaught by giving supporting information to help him to see for himself that certain behavior is not acceptable or wise. He is a young man, and maybe I'm wrong to assume, but most children growing up in a home with parents who abuse either drugs or alcohol must face responsibilities and decisions far too soon. He may see himself as a man already because of it. Like most men, even if you advise them in an area, it's best to make them feel as if they have come up with the solution on their own. Teach him to make sound decisions and things will begin to go more smoothly. Be patient with him; you're just what he needs (love and support).

Answer 2

Good for you for taking in your brother in law. If he's excited about the homeschooling it sounds like you are on the right path. I know it's hard with you not being too much older than him. You can be his friend, but you are also in a parental position. He needs to know what the ground rules are. You and your husband are the adults in the household and you set the rules. I would definitely set a curfew and be sure that he knows that drugs and alcohol are off limits while he is living with you. When he's 21 and your 26 drinking in your home might be a different story, but for now you all have to remember that you are the adults and he's the minor. Besides, if his parents are addicts, he should really avoid drugs & alcholol. Just set fair rules and make sure he knows what's expected of him. Try to stick with the homeschooling, but if it doesn't work out, he should get a part time job. If he's 15 doesn't he legally have to be in school? Also while he should definitly help out aroung the house and if your comfortable with him taking care of your child that's ok occasionally, don't treat him as a live in maid or babysitter.

Answer 3

I know your pain. I took in a 15 year old niece 2 years ago.

First be very clear about your expectations. Set the rules, write them down.

Next be very clear about the costs (punishment) of breaking the rules.

Next do NOT fold when it comes time to enforce the rules and inflict the punishment.

If a situation comes up that you have not addressed use it as a time to instruct, not punish. But then add it to the above. Do Not be arbitrary.

Remember how you or your friends were and how they thought at his age.

As for school, let him give input, just demand that whatever he is doing that he is not wasting time. That he is either getting some kind of education or he is working. Check into continuation schools

Lastly with girls, be honest, explain that you will not tolerate any pregnancies. Give him some leash but if he tries to take any more then yank it back

I found the best answers in books on leadership and management of adults. Stay away from the touchy-feely crap.

Remember sometimes, manytimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Kids want discipline, structure and strength.

Answer 4

Hi you have to put your foot down or he will walk all over you. There is no need to feel that you shouldnt tell him what he does wrong. He is in your home now and he should respect you and your husband. If you dont lay some rules he will run rings around you. Have a word with your husband and sit down and talk to him together. And talk about things with him, maybe things he feels like he cant talk to about anyone else. He should learn that he has to go to school. As you and your husband are now his carers you may get in trouble. As him thinking drugs and drinking are cool then obviously he is hanging around with the wrong crowd. And nowadays looking around the youth of today, this i what there life is all about. I know he may hate when you tell him that drink and drugs arnt the answer, but he wont listen and you may need to just let him find his own way or take him to see someone. If he had a hard life before, you and your husband may be the ones to change him back. But it sounds like you have a lot on your hands, as you have a 2 year old she should get you through it and dont be scared to talk to you hubby as its his brother. And you dont want to set a bad example for your 2 year old.

Answer 5

You only THINK you have mastered the two year old...just wait...oh and a hint...teens aren't as different from toddlers as you think. First of all you HAVE to set some ground rules. Rather than making video games, television, computer/internet,stereos, videos, hanging out with friends "rights" make them privliges, (this also works well with younger children, ESPECIALLY toddlers). The more/better he behaves the more privliges he gets. But make sure that any television viewing or any internet activity is done in a "common" area of the house and not his bedroom. At his age he still needs supervision when on the internet. If after a month to 6 weeks of really good behavior reward him with a new video game or a trip to the skateboard shop where he can pick out one, or something else he has been really wanting. You might be surprised just how fast he will turn around. Good luck though...beleive me I'd face a room full of toddlers rather than face one teen...LOL

Answer 6

You are in a very difficult position... I'm glad it's not me...

A few things you need to understand...

at 15 he has no idea whats going on... you as the parent have to be consistent...be like a mom he's never had.

He is the way he is because of bad parenting... you can't erase that but you can build trust... don't try to be a friend... hes in your house.... and you are the parental unit bu default... act like a parent.... lay down the rules... give him no choice about school...but no matter what always hear him out... he does have feelings....

yeah he needs a parent more than a friend.... so you know what you got to do....

Answer 7

have you tried home studies instead? this is when he has a teacher at school and they assign him with studies. As opposed to you being responsible for his studies and assignments directly. (caring for a 2 year old is hard work)

lay down the rules, once he breaks them he's out. He is not your child therefore he needs to understand you will not be taken advantage of. You may have to start off really strict and then loosen up down the line. and make sure you and your husband talk and agree on what is allowed in YOUR house and what isn't. Teenagers like to use grownups against each other so you and your husband must be united in your decisions.

Answer 8

refer him to social services - you have enough on your plate with the hubby and the 2 year old. Sorry you arent his parents and you shouldnt have to be - he is 15 and needs to get his own life together. He needs to understand that drinking and drugs are not cool in a home with a 2 year old and really it is a responsibility you can ill afford in terms of your own limited sleep and stresses from having a totally dependant baby. Having a teen with issues thrown in your lap, family or not isnt going to make your life easier. When he is 16 and 3/4 he can join the army and they will teach him by the numbers how to be a good man.

Answer 9

You are very kind to bring him into your home. There are a lot of other (worse) places that he could be. You might want to think about talking him to AA meetings to hear what other people have to say about how alcohol & drugs ruining thier life. Also it needs to be drilled into his head that he will not be young forever and that in 3 years when he is an adult it's not going to be easy getting a good job to support himself if he doesn't get all of the education he can now (for free). Good luck! I wish you the best!

Answer 10

At his age, you could draw up a contract of what is expected of him. Write it down on paper, 4 or 5 of your rules that are most important to you, along with consequences for breaking those rules. (He WILL test you, so make the consequences painful, but realistic.) Once you both sign this, you have to enforce it.

Homeschooling is very difficult to do and it sounds like you have your hands full. Most school districts have a "co-op" or some kind of system that helps home schoolers. You could phone the district and ask about it. Also, you can look at your library, where their bullitin board will post information about alternatives to traditional high school - such as tutors for GED etc)/