My 66 year old father recently moved to my state to be closer to my daughter since he missed out on the first 7 years of her life. So he has been staying at my place and my brother's place - going back and forth. My brother and I have discovered he has a drinking problem. Hiding alcohol, sneaking it...all that. I told him I cannot have that in our home. He spends a lot of time with her and she loves him very much. Am I justified in refusing to let hm stay here as long as he is drinking? He is totally in denial and says he doesn't have a problem.
2006-10-16 04:54:10 · 11 answers · asked by Agent99 5 in Health ➔ Other - Health
Hi Amanda, I am 58 years old and have a lot of experience with alcoholism. I have been sober for 24 years and I am a substance abuse counselor along with a license as a professional counselor. I am a certified clinical social worker. I am retired from a large mental health center after 25 years.
I state the above so you know that I am qualified to help you out.
You are justified in refusing your Dad to stay at your place. Unfortunately, alcoholics have to reach some kind of "bottom" in order to ask for help. It is very important to NOT enable his alcoholic behavior. It is tough love but by not enabling, you are helping him to realize his problem and also helping him to reach a bottom.
I would advise that your brother also stop enabling. It is TOUGH to do but in the long run you are helping out Dad.
66 years old is not too old to stop drinking. I highly suggest that your Dad get professional help, go to a hospital for detox, apply to get into a treatment center for substance abuse, or talk to a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I also recommend that you and your Brother (and any others) attend Alanon meetings. It is there that you will get a vast amount of knowledge and help. Alanon is a very confidential group and is supportive not group therapy.
Please feel free to e-mail me at drbill48@hotmail.com
I will keep you in my prayers and I wish you the very best as you and your family "trudge the road to happy destiny".
Sincerely, Dr. Bill Ayotte
2006-10-16 05:28:20 · answer #1 · answered by Bill 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have had 14 years of experience with alcoholism. My mom was an alcoholic since I was 10. This past June she finally decided it was time to get help after she tried killing herself. And yes you are very justified in telling him he can't stay there as long as he is drinking. I gave my mom the option of seeing her grandkids grow up or drinking her life away. I wouldn't even let her see the kids as long as she was still drinking but when she went into a program and got help then I took the kids there to see her. It has helped her immensely and she has been sober since the beginning of July. If you need someone to talk to email me anytime.
2006-10-16 12:05:34 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My father was an alcoholic, and drank himself to death. This was a horrible thing to watch, because he himself was very cute, smart, healthy, and good. It was like a nightmare, and I spend my entire life asking myself, "what if"---what would he have been like, and lived like, if he hadn't drank? I know for sure he would be here alive, too, and be much loved in his old age.
Alcoholics feel they must have alcohol to cope with daily life, and are so addicted they can't feel right without it. Many healthy people live with and get along with their alcoholic relatives, because they must. It's a very complicated problem, because we, especially as children, love our relatives completely, and don't see "adult" problems. I think it's very very important that your daughter can get to know, love, and have memories of her grandfather. She will not judge him.
Your behavior as a child of an alcoholic is very important. Often, our reaction to the alcoholic's behavior causes more problems than the alcoholism itself, and affects everyone around us---we are sick, and need help. The best source of this is "AL-ANON", which is a companion organization to "AA". I go to al-anon meetings every week, and have for 4 years. Al-Anon techniques help you cope with reality, deal with alcoholic behaviors, and re-shape your reactions to life and people that have been changed by alcoholism. Meetings are free.
2006-10-16 12:20:36 · answer #3 · answered by papyrusbtl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, and please approach it to him, even though he is in denial.
With this disease, he and he alone can only help himself with this. There is Al a Non for you to understand this disease, but until he comes to grips with it, he will not change. Remember you always drink more not less when you have this disease, and you don't feel comfortable with him, then so be it. It is a sad disease, where many people lose family, friends and jobs. BUT they will not listen. I know. I married an alchololic as my first husband, 3 years after our divorce he became sober. Has been sober now for a decade, thanks to AA. but he made that descion alone to help himself. That is the ONLY way, sorry to say
Good luck
2006-10-16 12:02:51 · answer #4 · answered by Kay M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
bmac is right. Don't let him drive her anywhere. You should probably seek help an Al-anon (the support group for families of alcoholics). They will also have good advice on what can be expected, and how to get your dad some help.
2006-10-16 12:05:09 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have a similar problem and i refused to allow my grandmother and grandfather around my children. If they want to see my children then they have to be sober when they come to visit. We do not visit their house because of the chance that they will be drunk. Do not subject your daughter to him if he is drinking. That is not something too diffucult to ask. Even if he doesn't relize he has a drinking problem, don't allow him around if he has been drinking.
2006-10-16 12:04:36 · answer #6 · answered by tabbaco1980 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the first step for him is going to be admitting that he has a problem. until that happens, i would make it clear that his drinking is not welcome in your house... and that would include coming over intoxicated. Talk to your brother... because what this is going to mean is your father will be staying with him exclusively... at least until he cleans up his act. And I hope that's the path that he decides to take.
2006-10-16 12:06:09 · answer #7 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is he a belligerent drunk or just drinks a little here and there?
If he is sloppy drunk and rude then I wouldn't let him around, but if it's just a little something to get him through life and a normal person couldn't tell, then let him be, he is getting old.
2006-10-16 12:03:35 · answer #8 · answered by someoneoutthere 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are justified. If he wants to see his granddaughter, then meet him at a park...just somewhere in public. Don't let him come to the home. You and your husband should not leave him alone with her or let him take her anywhere in a car.
2006-10-16 11:58:39 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are very justified...that is called TOUGH LOVE!
be positive though. Offer to go with him to "get help" AA meetings are good..If he does not smoke, look for one that is smoke free.
2006-10-16 12:02:05 · answer #10 · answered by ○Freeman○ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋