How could I go about training my own army of squirrels as protection from muggers?

Question

I've already charmed the Greys of Green Park but they are distracted every time they see nuts.

Answer 1

Squirrels are too independant to be trained en'masse, perhaps you should try a creature which is more co-operative with its own kin if your looking for an army? (surely seeing nuts would be an added bonus, as most muggers are male)

How about an army of old people, they are cheap, easily trained and only require the weekly back-scrub and blended mush.

Besides, if one person began to use an army of squirrels, and it worked, wouldn't it then become socially acceptable for everyone to keep an army of squirrels? People who cant afford to keep them may be at greater risk from muggers, who are now picking on more deprived (if possible) individuals.

Also, now that you have started a social trend, people may decide to keep their own squirrels and aid them in mugging others, its like the whole knive culture, (which origninated in self-defence purposes).

So we would still have muggings, but would have embroiled yet another creature into the affairs of man. I think the squirrels are best left being concerned with the nether-reaches of their anatomy.

Answer 2

You might want to carry around some make up. I hear they fancy that when they're not too concerned about whether or not they've left the gas on. And I also hear that they'd much rather have a grapefruit or something other than nuts. A steady line of conversation between you and the squirrels is definitely important in the training.

You might also consider giving Pavlov a call... see if you could borrow one of his bells.

Answer 3

You need to start off with one squirrel you can trust. If he is good at the job, he will be more than capable of passing on all he has learnt.

Good luck with the army, If I see any responsible looking squirrels I will ask them to get in touch.

By the way, always use grey squirrels for a private army as red squirrels are as soft as **** and run at the first sign of trouble.

Answer 4

Why don't you enroll yourself into a self defense class instead.
Firstly you would look a bit wierd at a nigh club/bar where there are potential muggers with an army of squirells following you. Secondly, muggers may not feel threatened by the rage of a squirrel.

Answer 5

I can see from your question that you will encounter a problem. You need to get the red squirrels on board, they grey squirrels are scum and screw you over for a few nuts. Go for the gingers, guarenteed protection every time!

Answer 6

Squirrels are notoriously two-faced they may very well double cross you. You'd be much better off getting a badger or two. Badgers are far more loyal and, unluckily for potential muggers, far more violent.

Answer 7

Before you do so, you must bear in mind that it is illegal to raise or keep a private army in the UK.
The only person allowed to do so is the Duke of Atholl who has a ceremonial army in Scotland.
Attempting to do so is classed as treason and could see you facing 14 years in prison.
:o)

Answer 8

Flee the country immediately! Take circuitous routes.

Squirrels are notoriously traitorous, and will sneak into your storage sheds and other enclosed places over the winter and fill them with chewed pine cones and other hazardous-smelling material.
They will gnaw your belongings.

Muggers will not fear them because the squirrels will be too busy soon chewing up children's wading pools, lawn furniture, and wheelbarrow handles.

Answer 9

Good luck... They probably won't work out very well, but if you want to pursue that, use nuts as a treat for every time they do what you want... Like training a dog... Only smaller...

Answer 10

Well if they are not co-operating go to plan B section 2 variation 4. Kill the lot and decorate yourself with their bloodied corpses (nice hat too) - it certainly keeps the muggers away from me.