Several people suggested consuling when I listed my previous questions, but I only hit (well, shoved) my grandson ONCE and that was by mistake so..., plus the other time I didn't hit him. I can't afford to pay for that! Do I really have to get into concculing? Do I NEED IT?
2006-10-16 01:35:28 · 7 answers · asked by Lisa X 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Given what you have said over your questions, and the fact that your grandson was RAPED, and you told him that everyone had some kind of hell to go through in their life, yeah, I definitely think that you need counseling of some description.
You are hurting because you don't like how your son turned out, but you CANNOT take it out on a 17 year old! How confused he must be already!
If nothing else, please read some books on rape victims, recovery, and what some appropriate things might be to say.
It doesn't really matter whether you hit him physically, or showed that you lost control by hitting an inanimate object. WHat matters is that he is seeing you lose control over this.
You are the adult here. HE is the one that has suffered. At 17, finding out what motivated him to put that picture up on myspace might have been more effective than demanding that he take it down.
Even if you can't afford Counseling, there are crisis help lines and organizations that will help you to help him.
2006-10-16 05:12:30 · answer #1 · answered by Lisa'sGurl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lisa, the whole situation is a lot, ok?
The young man is trying to recover from trauma and betrayal at the hands of his father. You need to forgive yourself that your grandson suffered at the hands of your son. Your son is an adult. Nothing you did influenced his decision to do a wrong thing. That said......
Speak to your grandson with respect. Respond to what he has to say. Do not react. Respond. Take a deep breath, think about what you want to say, and speak to him as if you were speaking with a dear friend. Don't react. Respond. This teaches respect. If he speaks to you disrespectfully, then you can say, "Grandson, I do not speak to you that way....Why would you speak to me like that?"
Limit conversation to , "Hello, Grandson." Give him a chance to come to you.
Call the school and arrange to have your grandson spend a few sessions with the guidance counselor. He obviously does not feel he can go to you, for personal reasons, one of which may be that he knows the situation hurts you. He needs to seek healing for his injuries. Ask if there is a male guidance counselor he can talk to.
Your grandson needs to recover. At the same time, he is trying to become a man. Do avoid subjects that bring on misery. If he can't talk to you, let that be ok. Let him know that you see he is becoming a man. Explain to him that you will no longer be having conversation about what he is supposed to do. Explain that you are going to trust that he can make responsible decisions, and that you just need to know what time to expect him home when he goes out. After that, leave the rest to him. He may go a little wild since he really doesn't believe you believe he can do this. Let the transgressions slide. You said you'd trust him, so let it go. He knows what time to be at school, he knows what he needs to do to keep up, and he should be keeping in touch with the counselor. Let the counselor tell you if there are issues. Let the counselor know you have decided to let him be responsible for the things he is supposed to be doing.
Your home needs to be a safe place for him. No raising your hand to him, no criticisms, no raised voices. It's hard to imagine how he resumed a "normal" routine after what he has been through. Picture him in your mind as the adult he is becoming. Let him know you will help him with anything you can as he gains the skills to become independent.
You both have had to deal with a situation that by all rights should never have happened. But it did happen. It is on his shoulders to recover from the injury put on him. It is on your shoulders to recover from what your son has done to you. Go slow, stay calm, love the young man very much, and trust that he can grow into a responsible, caring adult himself. All you can do now is be there for him. That is what he needs from you. The unconditional love for a child that only you can give. And that is priceless.
2006-10-16 14:26:22 · answer #2 · answered by Sunbaby 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It was a mistake only if it was done by bumping into him unintentionally --not on purpose...but there may be a problem if you questioned your actions...Check the Mental Health Organizations in your area...there is low cost, and free counseling. What about an Anger Management class?
2006-10-16 09:10:27 · answer #3 · answered by angeleyes 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to look at your temper and try to control it. the kids need to be disiplined but there are other ways, like taking there favourite toy away for a day or sending to bed, or, grounding them with no pocket money. i wouldnt say that your out of control, you just need to step back and see what might happen if you did hurt them by mistake. i have 2 boys and they can be a handful. but i cant certainly say that if you do hurt them you will pay a price.
2006-10-16 08:41:42 · answer #4 · answered by joey h 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If YOU feel like you want to go to counseling, you can call your local county office of mental health, a lot of times they offer low to no cost counseling. Good Luck.
2006-10-16 09:02:55 · answer #5 · answered by sweetie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If counseling isn't an option, then learn to control your anger yourself. It'll take time, but you need to do it. Otherwise, find a way to pay for it. Don't you want to help yourself?
2006-10-16 08:58:50 · answer #6 · answered by cree siempre 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes
2006-10-16 08:36:36 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋