Do you think it's wrong to cut my mother out of my life?

Question

My mother and I have had problems since I was 16. We would constantly fight (about the way she treated my father or the fact that I was not allowed to visit my fathers side of the family.) The last time we saw each other, she hit me (not the first time) and said that I ruined her life and she wanted to forget I ever existed so I moved out and never looked back. Well, 5 years later she finds out I'm pregnant and wants to be in my life again. She is telling her family and friends that it's not fair to her to keep her grandchild away and of course they call me saying what a bad person I am for excluding her from my pregnancy. Do you think she has any rights what-so-ever to see my child when he's born?

Answer 1

No she is using this as a way of seeking attention from the family. If she wishes you were never born then leave it that way. This is your child and she has no right at this point to try to interject herself back into your life.

Answer 2

Becoming a parent is the biggest change you will ever encounter in your life. It will change you and others around in ways you could never imagine. With this said, let things play out, take care of yourself and your unborn child and when the baby comes you do what feels right. Your mother may want to fix her mistakes through your child, but you must be careful. If she had no problem treating you terribly, you have to wonder what her problems really are. Please believe me when i say, you are NOT the problem, you need to find out if she has really changed and delt with her own issues. I'm sorry you have this to deal with this, but you are an adult now and if you dont want to let her in your life that is your choice, all these other people did not grow up in your shoes. So dont let their opinions effect you. "Opinions are like a**h***s, everyone has one" some stink worse than others.
Good luck and congrats!!!

Answer 3

This may seem strange coming from a grandma. But I do not think you are wrong at all. If your mother abused you, what is to keep her from abusing your child. I am referring to her hitting you.
You are not to blame, if she said that she wanted to forget you exised. Then let it be that way. I usually stick up for grandparents, but if they can't treat their own children right, how are they going to be expected to treat their grandchildren right?
Don't believe people when they say you are a bad person. You are concerned for your child. That is good. The way it is suppose to be.
Maybe at some point you would be up to letting her see the child, in a supervised situtation. If I were you, I would even consider asking advice from an attorney...legal aid, a law clinic, just someone that could give you good legal advice so you know what all options are.
Good luck and congradulations on your little one! Take good care of him(?)

Answer 4

Have you had a heart to heart talk with her over this matter? Is it possible that she wants to try to patch things up between you & her? Could she visit the grandchild in a public place like a park or even at your local Welfare office? If it was my Mom I would keep trying because she is the only Mom you have and you will miss her when she is gone to heaven. Some states have grandparents rights but here in Indiana we do not have them. If things don't work out to where she can visit the grandbaby then please try to send her photos and maybe even a letter about how the grandbaby is doing. Good Luck with everything and keep your chin up! Things always look better after a good nights sleep.

Answer 5

Wow..you sure have suffered with the relationship. I know you are going to get a lot of replies. In my opinion you are best to consult a counselor. They have the best education and can see all sides of the situation. I know from my religious background we are supposed to forgive one another. That is so hard to do when someone has physically harmed you. Why put yourself in the same situation. No matter what anyone says to you think of your safety and your newborns safety and your mental health. It's a real hard choice..you feel loyal because she is your Mom but at the same time it looks like there was so much damage done. I hope you will seek counseling before doing anything..that would harm your mental health in any way. You have come a long way. God bless you during this serious time in your life.

Answer 6

Hmmm... is she truly repentent? Sounds like she isn't if she is already telling her family and friends that you aren't acting fairly in this issue... if she were truly sorry about the way she has acted towards you in the past, she would accept responsibility for her actions and understand why you are so reluctant. So.. that being said, do you really want your mother's behavior around your baby?? Your primary responsibility is to take care of that unborn child... and mom sounds like she is going to stress you out.. and that isn't healthy. You can tell her that, until you see that she has accepted responsibility for her actions towards you as a teenager, that there really is no way you are letting her around your child... and then promise yourself that you will NOT follow in your mother's footsteps and treat your child the same way... break that chain of abuse here and now. If mom, at some point, becomes truly sorry, then you can re-evaluate her visitation rights. But you take care of that child... God gave him/her to you to protect and raise!!!

Answer 7

I think keeping your mother out of your life is the best thing you can do for yourself and your child. She has not earned the right to see your child and from the past you explain I would NEVER trust her with your child. Get as far away from her as you can, cut off all contact and don't look back. If she persist then you may want to remind her of the way she treated you.

Answer 8

YES, she's your mother. You must honor her, even though you may disagree. The Bible and most other religious and philosophical movements all advocate to give respect and honor to our parents.

Ever hear of that old adage, 'what goes around, comes around'? It's a frightening prophecy of what happens in our lives based on how we treat others. I'm saying that there is a cycle and history repeats. How you treat your mother today is how your child or children may treat you years into the future.

Answer 9

Ok...she hit you...more than once...why? thats besides the point...i would have to say no, i mean look a all them nasty things she alled you...thats just terrible coming from your own mother....she may try and control the way you take care of your child so watch out for that, but i would say no... you call the shots...tell her that you will decide when your good and ready, if not at all...your a grown woman now with a mind of your own..what she said to you back then is horrible, you didnt ask to be born...and she is saying stuff like that....it does have a lasting effect...me and my mum are exactly the same...i left home at 15 because i could not handle the abuse i took from her and her husband...i am 43 now with my own kids and a grandchild, i cherish every moment i have with them, i have never spoken to my mum since i walked out....thats how i like it....she too wanted to have contact with my kids but i point blank refused, she didnt ask me herself..she was too cowardly to come face to face with me and ask...a friend of hers mentioned it to me, i told her friend to tell her to never ever send me messages again...she's history and she will never see me or my family while she is on this planet...if she was violent with me back then, theres no way i will let her an inch near my kids, she has an evil mind and a nasty temper my kids have one nan and thats on their dads side...they dont know my mum, they have never met her and they have never asked about her, she does not even have a picture of them, these are my kids and i wont have them with someone who is violent and nasty...thats my choice...i dont care what people think about my situation, i have my own little family and i am quite happy jsut the way it is....think about this before you make any harsh moves, she may be nice for a few weeks then change back to her normal nasty self again....would you like your child to grow up with a person like her around? i wouldnt

Answer 10

No she doesn't, not until she demonstrates that she's changed her behavior and apologizes for the paid she caused you. You don't owe her anything.

You aren't using your child as a bargaining tool, you have just chosen to remove someone that has caused you an enormous amount of pain over the years. Ignore the family and friends and stick to your guns. They don't know the whole story. Again, your only obligation is to yourself. Your mother will have to prove herself to you.