I need a parents point of view!?

Question

I have a 4yr daughter,her dad got married a while back and has started a family-she's in the military and he doesn't work-Ihave a child support order for 250/mt but he is behind by almost 3000-he lives in Alabama and could care less about seeing her however his mom loves spending time with her and just recently he was suppose to pick her up and drop her off but didn't so I told him nobody could see her until he got his pymts upto date and his mom keeps calling me I want except her calls because she should be calling him-If he made his pymts his family could see her until then they can't and its his fault he want do anything for hasn't every since she's been born-Am I wrong for ignoring her calls?>I don't know how to handle this

Answer 1

dont ignore her calls --- but be firm that its her son causing the problems

maybe let his new lady know that he is like this --- it may open her eyes

Answer 2

Wow - that is awful. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have a 5 yr. old daughter. I am divorced as well. It is your job as the mom to give your daughter every opportunity for positive family relationships. You didn't say if her grandmother is a good decent person. I am going to assume she is because that would end the question there. She should not be punished because her son is an irresponsible jerk. Nor, should your daughter be denied the opportunity for a relationship with a grandmother becasue her dad is a jerk. Your daughter needs all of the love and family the world can offer her. Talk to his mom and tell her how rough this time has been on you financially but let her know that you appreciate her dedication to her granddaughter. As a single mom I know I need all the help the world can offer. My ex mother-in-law baby sits for me every Tuesday while I am at work. She and my daughter have a beautiful relationship that I am grateful for eternally. I had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents and I believe every child is entitled to that. I know it is hard when things are rough but you should always just do what is in the best interest of your daughter. Denying visits to Grandma is not going to get you child support - it's only going to hurt your daughter.

Answer 3

Here is another grandma. I can see both sides of this. The babys dad needs to take responsiblity. and yeah, he has dropped the ball. Who suffers beacuse of this? You, your baby and the Grandma. Because of one Creepy guy who isn't grown up yet. the problem is that you don't have any control of him. But, you do have control over you and how you deal with him. If the money he is to pay you is court ordered....go to the DA's office and tell him or her that you aren't getting what you are owed.

If you can and if your daughter's grandmother is a kind person. Sit down with her and in a very nice way say,, "I am sorry I have ignored your calls, I just dont know what to to. your son is suppose to be arranging these visits and he hasn't been paying child support checks & you are struggling on how to handle this. (talk very kinding) . You are important to my daughter and I would llike you to be in her life, Can we agree to get along for the baby's sake. Can we discuss how to do this?" Don't make her defensive, Hope that this lady realizes that her son has dropped the ball and that you realize that as a grandma she is important to your daughter.

If she isn't congenial, then you HAVE to go through the courts to make visitation guidelines.

My daughter has a 5 yr old who's birth dad doesn't have an idea of how to be a dad. He rarely sees her and child support isn't reliable. Yet when he DOES see her, he adores her. I would be so furious at this man for being a child and not so immature....but we can't change him. He never met his dad so we had hoped that he would WANT to be the dad that he never had, but instead he chose to be just like his absent dad. We can't change him....so for the happiness of the child we treat him well. Infact today she told me that "Tim hasn't been around for a long time and he really doesn't know how to be a dad". I said"I i know, but he does really love you" "She said, I know"

You might have to accept the fact that your daughter's birth father isn't going to be there for you and your daughter in any way. If you have anger and hostile feelings, your daughter will sense those feelings and she will be conflicted. Choose a happier life for her and let the grandma be part of her life. Don't talk smack to her about him or she will be the one who is hurt. Afterall she is genetically half of him, eventually some day she will have questions about him.

You can't change this guy to be the father he needs to be.
You can change you and how you deal with it. It seems like he could care less if his mother sees the child or not and I don't think punishing her will motivate him at all. Unless she is irresponsible and a dead beat...you need to think about having her in your life.

Answer 4

You wrote that you have a four yr. old daughter and you and her Dad are divorced and he recently married someone else, and they already are starting a family of thier own. Your ex. is behind in his child support paymts, and you are saying he does not see his daughter or doesn't care to see her but, your ex-mother -in-law loves your child and you do not let her see the child because her Dad is behind his support pmts. I think that you are punishing your ex-mother-in-law for the sorry excuse of a father your child has and you are doing harm not only to her grandmother but, also to your child. Please reconsider and let bygones be bygones with the poor woman, have a long talk with her and explain that she can visit her grandaughter at your home when you think is convenient I think that it would be better for your daughter and her grandmother. Call the attorney General of your state and tell them that your ex. has not send your daughter child support for a long time and that would get the ball rolling in your favor. There is no excuse when a father does not want to take responsibility for their actions, any child deserves a good and stable life and if only the mother can provide it give her a safe environment to grow and become a happy child, she deserves it. My daughter had the same problem with her ex. and my husband and I took over the care of our grandson, now my grandson is four yrs. old and my daughter has married again to a man that not only assumed the responsibilty of our grandson he even adopted him as his own. The father of my grandchild never acknowledged the presence of his son, now when he has a stable home life he inquires about him but, my daughter has told him that it is too late for that now.

Answer 5

You have gotten a LOT of good answers here. It is important to remember that the grandparents are not responsible for their son not making child support payments. Or for any of his other actions.
I can not even begin to imagine the hurt that grandmother feels. It must be very hard to not to be able to see the child. I feel so sorry for her.
You should see an attorney, there are ways to get that child support. In the mean time, maybe think about letting grandma see the child. If you feel safer, stay there with her. And think of it as doing something good for your child. She is the one who will benefit in the end,

Answer 6

I am not a parent but I must say, You are using some serious manipulation here, and using your child as a pawn...

Take the calls. Nicely, tell the grandmother, "Listen, ________ (name), I really appreciate you calling and making the effort to come and see ___________ (name) but right now _______ (Child's Father) is not doing what he is supposed to do and it makes me a little uncomfortable when you ask to come by and see her." Then "_________ (Grandmother's Name), could you do me a favor? Is there anyway that you could contact __________ (Child's Father) and let him know that I understand that he is not working right now, (and I don't know what the situation is there) but I need some help too(!). When we agreed that he was going to be making child support payments, it was with the understand that he was in fact going to make the payments". Mom, do you get my drift.

Another point for you to consider is the fact your Child's father's mother may actually be conciously or sub-conciously making the efforts to come see the child on behalf of the dad.

Best Regards,

Answer 7

You are 100% wrong.It`s like you are holding your own child ransom.This is her Grandma,no matter how the father treats the child and no matter if he refuses to pay child support you should never keep that child from her family.It`s wrong to the little girl and the grandma and any other family member that loves her.What are you gaining by doing this? Um........My guess is not a thing.So why do it? I never liked my kids grandma from their fathers side but I will tell you that if she was alive I would be more then happy to let my kids see her.They loved her dearly and I figured although I really could not stand her it was not up to me to interfer between a grandma`s and a grandchilds love.

Answer 8

what he is and what his mom is ..that's 2 different things...his mom is the childs grandmother...let her see the child. This may give you leverage also...as mom will give you information as to the whereabouts of the father. There are laws that put negligent parents in jail for not paying...so I say let her see the child...get your information then turn him in so you can at least get your payments...or the bastard goes to jail...I have no tolerance for dead beat parents.

I am a single parent...my daughter lives with mom...she's 17...my son lives with me...he'll be 12 soon...we have an agreeement that we split costs...well I do my share...my son's mom doesn't...so I save my reciepts and dun her when she has the money .....she's remarried and I deserve this...but do to the divorce papers I get nothing.

Trust me..when my daughter graduates this coming yr...I'll go for it full blown

Sorry I just vented there...but anyhow..don't take it out on the grandmother..take it out on him

Answer 9

I am a Grandma, you need not to keep that child away from her, she can Not control what her son does. She is just trying to be a grandma and that is all. It sounds like she has been good to you and your baby, why take this out on her. Pick up the phone the next time she calls.

Answer 10

I'm in the same situation as you are my ex owes my 15,000 back child support. I let his parents see my children only because my kids need to know there grandparents and honestly they can't control what there son does. I remember the times I spent with my grandparents and they were always so special and I want my kids to have memories like that when they get older.

Answer 11

You made a very important point in your question...you said that ( it was his fault ) So why are you trying to punish Her Grandmother? Remember that what goes around comes around and you wouldn't want that to happen to you someday. You can explain the situation to her and ask her to help you with that. If you Don't want your daughter going to see here grandmother. Arrange a day so she could go over and see here at your place. Like that you know that she is making in effort to see her grand daughter. And as far as your ex-well your daughter will grow up someday and see him for what he really is.