my grand-daughter needs more info about her mum,shes now 9yrs, but her mum , my daughter, is not bothered about her, she had two other kids who are in care now,i want to protect my grandaughter,as she was just told mum couldnt take care of her & mum asked me to take care of her,which isnt true,i had to fight tooth & nail to keep her.what do i do & say? her mum has never made an effort to contact her,saying that my daughters life style is erratic,she has had lots of support & help from various people,but
its all failed.HELP?
2006-10-15 08:30:59 · 28 answers · asked by yvonne r 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
You have to sit down with this child and tell her mum is not well and it is better that she lives with gran..tell her that its nothing to do with her..plenty of families are different..she is loved and do not say nasty things about her mum because children do not like to hear it..You are a wonderful person to take in your grandaughter..hopefully one day your daughter will sort her self out.
2006-10-19 07:30:39 · answer #1 · answered by fajita 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This must be so hard for you, not knowing what to say and how much to reveal. What to remember is that kids now understand a lot more that previous generations. You know your grand daughter better than anyone and if you think she could handle a 'simple' version of the truth then tell her.
Explain that drugs make people do things that other (non drug taking) people do. Its not that your daughter didnt love her daughter, its that drugs made her think she loved them more.
But dont make your daughter out to be a victim, she had the same knowledge of drugs as everyone else and she chose to take them.
Your grand daughter will understand how much you love her and what a fight you had to keep her. Any questions just now or rebellions in the future are just part of nature and are not aimed at you.
2006-10-15 08:42:56 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
tell her the truth....seriously. It always the best policy. The only time a child should be lied to is when it comes to Santa Claus and fantasy things like that. It helps build and imagination and creativity.
Good Luck....it'll be hard, but give her the moral support she'll need to get through this and it will be O.K. Don't be nasty about it and don't talk down or talk mean about your daughter to your grand-daughter. Talk in a matter-of-fact voice with a hint of sympathy for her addiction. That way the child can doesn't feel hurt and resentment toward her mother. That's not what you want.
2006-10-15 08:36:52 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, what a dilemma. Listen, to be perfectly honest, I do not think that at 9 years of age she will understand the truth. It may have an adverse effect on her mental skies. Wait until she's older; only YOU know how mature and capable she is of understanding the truth. I can only speculate, as others here. But, the general consensus is that she be told, and I agree but NOT NOW. Tell her that you will tell her, and make a long letter for her and put it away for her 11th or 12th birthday. Read it every now and then and make the appropriate changes as time goes by. Believe me, it ain't easy. I have kept a few family secrets from my ex-wife that I know would devastate her... it involves her older sister that ruined our marriage. My ex-wife will not believe some of the things I know about her older sister, and I will NOT tell her or my grown daughter (she won't believe me, and she'll think that it's because I hate her or something like that... but this woman even turned my daughter against me with lies that even the neighbors KNOW are total lies). It's not easy knowing truths and secrets, I know.
2006-10-15 08:48:10 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Start by telling her your daughter made some bad decisions in life and you refused to sit back and see your grandaughter be subjected to this. You did not raise your daughter to do these things, she made her own choices as an adult and it would be a perfect time to express why you are anti drugs. Let your grandaughter know she is wanted and loved very much and when the opportunity came for you to have her, you jumped on it and made sure that she is safe. Don't bad mouth her mother, say a prayer for her.
2006-10-15 08:58:25 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
i would be honest with her to the point you feel she can cope with the information that you give her don't forget that what ever you say it will hurt her my mum has brought my sisters daughter up she is now nearly 18 and she still finds it hare to except the fact that her mother doesn't want her and her mum has gone on to have 4 more children which is the hardest part but i think seen as you have brought her up and loved her as your own you will know the right words to say to her and you will also give her the love and help and stability she will need to get through this good on you for being such a caring grand parent.
2006-10-16 09:17:25 · answer #6 · answered by ikklealsum 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, if you have had her since she was a baby I'm sure she is used to the idea of you being the "mother figure" so I'm sure she trusts you. I would just tell her the truth. She's 9 so you can't really be blunt without hirting her feelings so I would just explain things to her in a way she would understand but I would be honest with her. She deserves to know and you don't want her to come back later in life and resent you for not telling her the truth about things. Good luck!
2006-10-15 08:39:20 · answer #7 · answered by girlfromflorida 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Firstly, your grandaughter is very lucky to have you. If it was me, I would say to her that her Mum isn't very well and unable to look after her properly. I think she is too young to hear all the gorey details and should be spared until an age when she can understand and accept better. She doesn't need to hear you fought to keep her, she just needs to know how much you love her and want to look after her and how happy you are that she came to live with you. I'm adopted and was lucky to be taken into a very loving family. No one ever wants to hear bad things said about theire biological parents, no matter how true they are.
2006-10-19 05:54:48 · answer #8 · answered by Oldfruit 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dear Y
It seems completely true to tell her that her Mum is too poorly to look after her. If you can tell her all the good things about her Mum from when she was little girl and lived with you and give her nice pictures of her as a little girl. Children can want to be like their parents, so I'd not tell her anything you don't want her to try and copy. ( If Mum did it why can't I- sort of thing)
You are doing a wonderful job,can you adopt her?
M
2006-10-15 08:43:54 · answer #9 · answered by mesmerized 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You ned to be honest with your grand daughter - any lies she is told now are bound to come out later and she wont forgive you for lying. She is probably at the right gae to understand and accept what you tell her without her going off the rails. As long as she knows yu are there for her. And as she has siblings in care - does she know of them? She will know it was not only her that her Mom couldnt take care of.
2006-10-15 08:34:20 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋