Is this child abuse?

Question

My son (age 8) has for a long time had smellly toilet accidents when out playing.
My wife says that he does not know he needs to go, I say that he does not want to come in.
After many years of her talking to him (to no effect) I found out that he has done the same again today after being out with his friends for four hours so I have grounded him for the week.
No playing out any week night. I told him if he cant be trusted to come in he has to stay in.
Now my wife says that what I have does borders on child abuse.
Is she over reacting or am I really that cruel?

Thanks to all who answered, he has already seen a GP and there is no form of IBS anywhere. I think this is just either laziness or shyness, we have tried to approach both from the nice direction, and now it is grounding time.
the question was more about my wifes use of the term child abuse than anything else.
Thanks to everyone who cared for my boy for the nice answers.

Answer 1

no, its not abuse
but i would get him checked out by your doctor in case there is a medical reason for it! xx

Answer 2

I realize that we live in a society where parents have to be afraid to discipline your child for fear of reprecussions but when a father can not ground his 8 year old child without worrying that he is being abusive, things have gone too far!
Does anyone even know what abuse is? Did you beat your son with an object until you left marks? Did you verbally abuse him to the point where he is severely traumatized?
Somehow I doubt that any of those things took place. You sound like a sane, concerned, rational father. I do NOT think that grounding an 8 year old for the types of problems that you mention is unreasonable. I would add that I think you should take him to the pediatrician to rule out any physical reason why he might have trouble controling himself.
More than likely he is just so involved in what he is doing that he waits too long to get to the bathroom. That is not all that uncommon with kids even his age.
You are not abusing your son. Relax.
Blessings
Lady T

Answer 3

I don't think it is child abuse but I believe the issue may go deeper than the child not wanting to come in. It is hard to believe a child would soil himself and keep playing. One would think he would be embarrassed.... or maybe he is too scared to come home?

First I would take him to the doctor to either confirm or illiminate a physical medical problem.

Second... I just noticed that you said your son was out for four hours before returning home... this is a bit too long for an 8 year old. That would be borderline neglect if anything. Have your son check in every hour and know where he is at all times. If you don't care anymore about the safety and well being of your child than that then why should he?

Grounding him is only punishing him for your mistakes. He shouldn't be allowed to be out that long in the first place. Second your making a big fuss about his accidents are probably why he doesn't want to face them. Take him to the doctor and care more about his well being and his behavior will reflect your love and concern rather than your contempt.

Answer 4

My son is 38 and many years ago when he was the age of your son, he did the exact same thing. I would look out the window and see him standing behind a tree or something and I knew what was happening. He would come home from school with it in his pants every day. I made him wash out his own underwear every time he did it and eventually it stopped and we never had any more trouble with it. I know he knew what he was doing, he just did not want to take the time to stop playing, etc. to come in and use the bathroom. I don't think you are being abusive, but if there is reason to think he actually has a problem, you need to take him to a doctor and they can find out for sure. I know my son did not have a problem because it stopped. Good luck to you and your family.

Answer 5

Well this is a problem that must be resolved or the boy will suffer bullying and teasing at some point. If it is as you believe, that he is so busy playing he doesn't want to come in and "take care of business", then grounding as a way to get through to him is a good start and not child abuse at all.

However, if your wife is right and he actually doesn't realise he need to go, then medical attention is required. I would suggest that, if grounding doesn't resolve the issue, you seek medical advise straight away.

I believe the only abuse here would be to ignore the situation and allow it to continue.

Good Luck...

Answer 6

Its not child abuse, your wife is wrong. Tell her a psychologist is saying this. You and your wife need to sort out how to handle this together. It is really possible your differing attitudes are translating into different behaviours. As a result your son may be subconsciously( at best) playing you off against each other. It is really unusual for a child to have such accidents at your sons age. Its unlikely theres anything physically wrong. It may be the accidents are some how rewarding your son. Does he get more attention when it happens ( perhaps the talking)? I think for his well-being now and in the future you both consult a behavioural psychologist. At a guess I think you will find out you both need to modify your behaviour before his changes.

Answer 7

Its not child abuse its showing a child discipline where its needed. It'll be far worse for your son if you continue to let him play out and sh1t himself - the other kids will turn on him and he'll be bullied. So long as you impress on him the reasom why you are doing what you are then there is no wrong in it. No child was ever harmed by being grounded - your wife is over reacting and will make the problem worse if she panders to your boy. 8 is too old for having poop accidents anyway unless he has a medical problem - its laziness. Good luck

Answer 8

if all you did was ground him ...no.. that is not child abuse.
It sounds like you need to take him to a doctor or a psychiatrist.
An 8 year old child certainly knows if he has to use the toilet unless there is some type of physical problem.
Is he an independent child or have you or your wife or both of you always done everything for him. For example , does he comb his own hair, dress himself, tie his own shoes, wipe himself after he does use the toilet? At 8 years old he should be doing those things for himself. If he has been so pampered that he needs someone to ask him if he needs to go to the bathroom before will go,someone has definitely been a little overbearing in their parenting.
I strongly advise seeking some type of professional opinion, whether it be medical or mental.something is definitely not right.

Answer 9

I think your son does know that he has to use the bathroom, but he doesn't want to come in while he's having a good time, Grounding him isn't a child abuse thing unless you called him names while doing it, then that would be known as mental abuse and that can cause more damage than good. If need be take him to a pediatrician to figure out what is going on. At age 8 he shouldn't be having accidents unless there is something wrong. Good luck

Answer 10

I agree with many here - I don't think it's child abuse by any means. You are not spanking or hitting/slapping. I would however take my child and have him seen by a doctor because there must be an underlying issue causing him to continue this behavior. Maybe your wife is just being too easy on him and constantly making excuses for his behavior and in reality she may be the one causing the harm to him. At 8 yrs old I would hope he has enough sense to know when it's bathroom time.

Answer 11

Its not child abuse, it will be seen as disciplining your child.
Does your son only have accidents whilst out playing, or indoors too? I think you need to get some medical help for this as by the age of 8 most children can control their bowel habits. It may also be a way of getting attention, as its obviously causing friction between you and your wife and your son may be playing up to this.
Whatever the reason it needs sorting asap.
Good Luck!