How can I help my boyfriend pull through this?

Question

My bf is quite depressed, I undersatnd why but don't know how to help him. We are self-employed and on v low incomes (not even minimum wage). The Inland Revenue has messed up and cancelled our financial aid by accident (it's 'in the system' to get sorted out) leaving us down £300 a month. Our van, which is necessary for our self-employment has broken and is in the garage (will be between £600 and £1000 to fix, which we don't have). We work 7 days a week and worry about money until the wee small hours. He's always been a bit of a drinker and this is his crutch at the moment. I've got a history of depression so I try really really hard to stay positive as I don't want to get ill again, but nothing I say or do can lift his mood. He's snappy, irritable, no food I make is good enough (too boring, or just rubbish), nothing I suggest to do is exciting enough. He says he may as well just give up and go to bed. He's just taken the car key and stropped off out the house....

... I expect he’s gone to Asda where he’ll blow money we don’t have on food and drink to cheer him up. Then he’ll come home, have a few drinks, be a moody sod and have a go at me for the house not being clean or some such thing. Help me please! He won’t go to his doctor, nor a counsellor. I’m so desperate...

Additional info: We're self-employed after 3 years of unsuccessful jobhunting. It's self-employment or starvation. We're both graduates. We've been together about 4 years and I'm not going to leave him. He didn't go to Asda after all, he went to buy plants...

Answer 1

Both of u are frustrated about everything. U are blaming each other and start argueing. You need to work together not argue. It would help to speak to someone else. A person on the outside looking in.

Go to Citizens Advice Bureau for financial advice. They can find out if you getting the right help though the tax system. Ask if u entitled to any more money? They can mediate with the Inland revenue for you.You need to know your position. They can also lower you money going out if debtrs agree.

Instead of working 7 days a week. you need to get away for a least a day together. Try going for a walk and talking to each other. Be honest about your feelings

Answer 2

Have you tried speaking to Citizens Advice / Jobcentre about benefits and any other help or support you may be entitled to? You both sound emotionally vulnerable - certainly at the moment - and I would advise you to have a think about your employment status. I appreciate that you have probably put an awful lot of time and money into the business, but self employment is quite a big responsibility and will always carry a certain amount of stress which may be difficult for you both - are you sure its definitely what you want? Are you confident that you will be able to deal with this for the rest of your working years? Would you consider selling the business and trying something else, perhaps less stressful? Maybe your family could help out. Sit your boyfriend down when he is in a reasonable mood and explain to him that you cannot keep going the way you are. He needs help - either from a doctor or a counsellor. Would he go to counselling if you came with him? If he won't listen to you maybe you could get one of his friends to have a word. Try some of these websites:

Answer 3

Sorry to hear you're having such a bad time of it :(
You need to deal with one thing at a time though, otherwise it will all seem too much. The key is to try and prioritise, once the main problem is being dealt with it should have an effect on the other problems. It seems that your biggest concern at the moment is money - maybe you could see your bank manager and explain the situation with the Inland Revenue...they may be able to give you some kind of bridging loan with a reduced interest rate. Take some action now, most banks are willing to help.

Answer 4

it seems to me that your boyfriend thinks he is alone and your opinions on what to do are not positive. is he dealing with the money problems on his own? working 7 days a week can take its toll especially if there is little time for you both to spend any quality time together maybe with you both being self employed isn't helping, is your house mortgaged as it may be an idea to get a financial advisor in to see if you'd benefit from selling up and buying a smaller place, it would help if you made some money from selling up and then you can both decide how best to plan the future. as far as the cooking goes if he doesn't appreciate what you make he could always make it. i'm sure there are things that you can do together that wont cost an arm and leg. the important thing is to sort this out together.

Answer 5

...shiz, dude, that's a terrible situation. Seriously, if you have no other option, I would suggest threatening to leave him if he doesn't stop blowing money you don't have and being depressed. If he loves you, he'll do it, believe me. My mom did this with my dad before I was born. My dad's depressed, and she would threaten to leave him, with the intent of doing it, when he let it go out of control and/or refused to do something about it. He needs to realize that he's not the only one going through hell, and that he needs to think of you and not jeopardize you in the process of making himself feel better about the situation. I know it sounds harsh, but I'd go crazy if I was in your shoes, and that's the only thing I could think of that I think would have a chance of working. Other than that, I would suggest, if it's possible, to get another job and work two until this is over. I don't know what your work situation is, but if you can, maybe one person take over the self-employment job and the other take a job at a nearby company, hopefully within walking distance. Best wishes, hope this is over soon and that things turn out for the best

Answer 6

This is very serious. There is no quick fix. You both need to look at your lives and make some major decisions. Is this business, which seems to be the root cause of your problems, worth pursuing? What alternatives do you have? Don't feel pressured (although of course you will be) but you need to sort this out or you will both self destruct.

No-one here can help you. You need professional counselling. Start with a debt counsellor and go from there.

Answer 7

Poor you, you sound like you need a big hug.
As you are on low wages did you know you may be entitled with help with health costs, this will cover prescriptions, dentist and opticians the form you need is called a HC1 if you call 0845 8501166 they will pop it in the post to you.
Have you checked to see if you are entitled to help with your rent and community charge? If not ask your local council for a form.

May be you need counselling to help you cope before you dip into depression.

May be next time go on to a forum for your make of van/car for help with your van, my other half who is an ex mechanic due to ill heath, will some times travel to look at peoples cars/vans if they cover our fuel and he will tell you the try price you should pay not the over inflated garage prices and quite often will do the work for the price of the parts and a minimal charge for the work.

I know saying keep your chin up etc, is really off no help at all.
But do try to work on a small problem at a time rather than trying to sort all problems in 1 hit, I know you feel like a fly trapped in a spiders web.
Going to bed is his way of protecting himself from the world.

Answer 8

Get him to a counsellor, pronto.
In the meantime I would suggest that you get youself down to the nearest Citizens Advice Bureau and look at changing your Self-Employed status (I'm sorry I dont know how this is done).
The last thing he needs now is the threat of you leaving him. Us bloke are very proud when it comes to getting help or accepting for mental health, I know I speak from my own personal experience.
Sexing him to death will help short term but overdoing it will probably make him suspicious as well.
If you have got credit cards, I'd recommend cutting them up.
I hope things work out for you both.

Answer 9

In the UK:
http://www.depressionalliance.org
http://www.dbsalliance.org (USA) helpful video "State of Depression in America" watch even though in UK
http://www.feeliggood.com
"The Feeling Good Book" by Dr David Burns is fantastic depression help. Try your library or any used book shop. New $8, about 6 quid. Exercises that only take pencil, paper, and effort begin to help immediately, depression self diagnosis test explained question by question, medications explained. Try to get newer edition. It has been out since 1980.
I had to stop drinking from a really strong habit to deal with my depression, which the drink hid from me. I was blotto every night. Legless.
http://www.aa.org The Big Book "How It Works"
First step: We came to admit that we were powerless over alcohol.
That's a big one. After that, you can deal with depression. The 12 steps help with that, as well as drinking. Why get sober to be miserable?
You must make a stand for your relationship. It won't be easy or pleasant. Contact Al-Anon, relatives of alcoholics, for support and guidance.
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
My best to you!!
[e-mail] 17 years sober. Still battle depression. I use "The Feeling Good Book."
Nothing better!!
I lived in Britain 2 yrs and loved it!!

Answer 10

Your boyfriend is battling depression. As long as he is not drinking all day long try to stick through the drinking crutch. How much does he drink? Remember, you have to win battles before you can win the war. Does he have self confidence problems? What is his appetite like? If he looses his regular interest in food then that is a tell tell sign of clinical depression. I need more information from you. I believe I can help you.