My ex and I just broke up three days ago. We were together for 9 months. Doing the long distance thing for more than half of our relationship. We broke up because I thought he was cheating on me, but later on I found out it was a HUGE mix-up.
We didn't talk for the past three days, until today when he out of the blue called. It was wierd. The conversation went okay, we didn't talk about anything that had actually happened...just how our weekends were going and work and such.
In the middle of the convo...he told me he loved me and wanted me back, but I didn't know how to respond. I love him too, but for some reason I have doubts and am unsure if I want to get back with him. It's hard because he's in the military and can't transfer to my state, due to it being land-locked. And I'm not willing to relocate from Colorado, which I love...to California. Plus I'm not into that whole miliatary wife crap.
What should I do? I'm torn here and need some advice...
2006-10-14 22:41:52 · 24 answers · asked by ? 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
It sounds to me that you are in love with love
There are always doubts in a relationship but unless they are tiny ones and ones that you are willing to work on there is no chance of it being right.
1. Are you willing to spend your life waiting for him to come to you?
2. Do you think he should give up his career for you?
3. Are you more important to you than he is?
If the answer to #3 is yes then he is not the man for you.
2006-10-14 22:59:40 · answer #1 · answered by Amanda K 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Talk to him. Tell him you love him - life is too short for misunderstandings. You do need some time together - can you plan a vacation together? to see if you are really well suited - it is easy to be on best behaviour in a long distance relationship. Do you love him more than you dislike the military ? - ie the "military wife crap" which I understand. Nine months is still not that long - but you have to give the relationship a chance. If you are still quite young, you may subconsciously feel that leaving colorado is about far more than simply leaving a state that you love - but about the future direction of your life. Don't rush into any big decisions yet, but do arrange quality time with him to get back to knowing and understanding each other - a more permanent relationship can flourish from that if the circumstances are right.Good luck!
2006-10-14 22:47:59 · answer #2 · answered by Miss Behavin 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You seem to be answering your own question when you say:
a. You have doubts
b. you are unsure you want to get back with him
c. you don't want to relocate to California
d. You're not into the military wife thingy
Oftentimes, we search for a reason to break up a relationship because deep down we know that it is not right. Perhaps this is why you subconsciously created the affair matter? You say you found out it was a big mixup, but yet you don't feel you can trust him...
You say he loves you, and you love him. That is lovely and great, but love alone is not enough. I am sure there are plenty of people you love and who love you, and you will meet more in your life. It is the whole parcel whom we have a serious relationship, relocate because of, and/or marry. And giving up what you love for someone you love is a high price, and one you want to be sure of before you venture one single step.
Only you know the answer to your question. So listen to your inner voice, sit in front of the mirror in total silence and look deeply into your eyes and let your soul tell you the answer, what advice would you give your sister or your best friend... and follow that/those.
2006-10-14 22:51:43 · answer #3 · answered by Amber B 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Firstly I hope you have eaten humble pie over the huge mix up where you accused him of cheating if you clear this up and take full responsibility for your assumptions then whether you stay together or break up you are wiping the slate clean.
It gives you an option to get back together later if things don't work out later. You don't want his last interation with you to be about the drama, you want the last interaction with you to show how you're a responsible loving person who clears up the mess she creates. So this is really important.
Now as for the relationship you seem to be heading in different directions and are therefore naturally gravitating apart. I think what you need to do is spend a weekend in a neutral place maybe halfway inbetween where you both live (I don't know the USA very well) or somewhere where you both have have to travel to.
When you get there you need to talk about your dreams and your combined future and work it out. You can be heading in different directions for now but you probably want to be heading in the same direction for the medium and longer term. It's probably time for reviewing options and making compromises that you can both live with to move your relationship forward.
If he really loves you he may come out of the military (may have to buy his way out ??) or if you love him you may agree to be a military girlfriend / wife for a set period of time. If you look hard enough there are probably compromises where you can both win and still have each other.
These compromises might not be huge they could even be to stay together for another 6 months to see if you want to make a greater commitment to each other. It might be better to make baby commitments right now as you have just had a major issue.
But it does sound to me like you need to have something solid to look forward to. That you want to know that there is a next stage to your relationship.
This is natural and I assert underneath the "cheating accusation thing" was the fact that you wanted more and not less security in this relationship and it sounds as if you have less. If this rings true you have to tell him, he won't be scared he will be pleased, he loves you.
Finally if you cannot both make compromises which work out for you both to move the relationship forward then its probably best to end the relationship but please do it as friends and you can achieve a lot of that by doing what i sugggested in the first two paragraphs. Love isn't enough, it has to be practical and work around your life for you to become partners.
I hope it works out for you and good luck.
2006-10-14 23:07:48 · answer #4 · answered by lifeontrack2006 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Only you know what you really want from life and a relationship. Though I would suggest that if you are not sure about it then the relationship is doomed. Long distance relationships are very difficult and need complete trust and commitment from both partners. Why not ask for some time so you can have a long think, see how you get on without him, and then decide? Good luck xx
2006-10-14 22:46:27 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Simply put - You love him, but you don't want to relocate or do the whole military partner life. If you really loved him, relocating or military life wouldn't be an issue.
You don't have to decide right away. You can tell him to give you some time to think about it. But it sounds to me like you have doubts about the committment required to work this relationship. Give your break up sometime and then decide later on.It might become clearer after sometime.
2006-10-14 22:56:56 · answer #6 · answered by Strange1am 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you have any doubts about the relationship perhaps it is better for both of you that you do not continue it. He would not want to be with someone who does not trust him, and you do not want to be with someone who you do not trust. Also, if he is in the military and you do not wish to be in a relationship with a military man, then that is also another good reason to let it go. There are millions of other men out there, who you will trust more and who are not in the military. I am sorry, this relationship is doomed from what you have said.
2006-10-14 22:45:27 · answer #7 · answered by Imma 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
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2016-10-02 07:47:10 · answer #8 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are not into the military wife crap and he is serious about his career you need to move on. In the military they show video's about divorce as it is so common. One of you will have to give in to the others lifestyle. The military is a life for the member and his/her family. You move as a family pretty much where he gets based. If it's a career decision for him, he is married to the military. You will always have to come second.
2006-10-14 22:52:54 · answer #9 · answered by Craig B 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like your not ready to commit to a serious relationship. I mean if your doubting him and youve already decided that your not going to move to where he is then I think you have already answered your own question. Long distance relationships hardly ever last. Good Luck.
2006-10-14 22:47:49 · answer #10 · answered by Baby boy blue 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋