trying to take care of myself & not my mom. I can't do it anymore?

Question

I have been "raising" my mother since I was about 11. I'm 32 now and I have my own husband and children to take care of. Over the years, I have become the person who my mom makes responsible for all of her happiness or unhappiness. I know that isn't right. My mom is also an alcoholic. Over the years, she has said and done horrific things to me. But at the same time she continues to guilt me and makes me feel terrible. My mom usually talks to me every day. If I am not available to her whenever she wants me, she is upset. I have tried to make myself somewhat less available, but that has only made things worse. Then I hear how I must not appreciate or love her. I suffer from major depression and probably a majority of my own mental health issues stem from her. I can't seem to find the power to stand up for myself and to be assertive without feeling worse. My husband is ready to confront her himself. I just don't know what to do anymore. What do I say to her? Any ideas?

Answer 1

Hi Sweetie, You just described my life at your age. I'm 45 now and finally sane. My mother did the same thing to me, making me responsible for everything. She didn't respect that I had a family that needed nurturing and actually resented them for taking me away from her. My mother has said (and done) some amazingly horrid things to me too and she gave me the gift of a self esteem that was non-existent.
It will never, ever get better. It was the single hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I told her one day that she was not allowed to come into my home when she had been drinking and she could not phone me if she had been drinking. She tried at first, but I would hang up on her or refuse to pick her up. Eventually she found other drinking buddies and when she called me one day when she was totally drunk, I told her that I WILL not talk to her and hung up. She has since moved away from me as she says that I ignore her?? You see what happened though? She choose drinking over her child. It was her choice. Believe me, I was shocked that she moved away. She was so dependent in the past that she got me to even change her light bulbs because it was "too hard" for her.
Your mother is taking advantage of you, she is being incredibly selfish and if given the choice, she would pick booze over you without a doubt (they all do). You need to be very firm with her and then let her go. Start refusing to go over, to invite her to your house. When she questions it, tell her the truth.
Your depression IS coming from her. I had the same thing and it took many years (I still fee guilt from time to time), but eventually my depression subsided and my real personality came out.
Please, please do not let her have control over you any more.

My e-mail is open, so drop me a line if you need someone to talk to that truly understands what you are going through. I would even be happy to call you on the phone in order to help you through this. I mean it!! Please don't hesitate to contact me okay.

Answer 2

You sound like you've had to be incredibly strong and mature from a very young age. It's great that you've been loving and supportive to your mother through all of her trials but I think at this point you should get some professional counselors involved to assist both you and your mother with working through the issues. Your mother has essentially made you her enabler, which keeps her from seeking and attaining the help she needs. There is only so much family can do. You've done wonders with being supportive and loving but now you need some professionals to step in to help your mother and you go forward.

You also deserve to live your life and to heal your wounds so that you don't pass them onto your own children.

Seek professional help.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I whish that I could help you. I also have an alcoholic Mother. Its hard, but I suppose Ive just learned to deal with it. I try not to get upset over the things that she says or does. She can be very malicious while drinking. I tried the whole meeting things, Ive even allowed my Mom to live with me when she hit rock bottom. I try to focus on my family first, then if I have time I will call her or whatever. I only whish the best to you, maybe go talk to someone about your own issues. You have to fogive her before you can learn to ignore her, or everything she does/says will annoy you and have an everlasting effect on your day. Try going to a psycologist, and maybe get on somthing for your deppression if your not already. Just think of your at home family first ,and love and enjoy them. Good Luck to you.

Answer 4

Thats really sad. Try telling her how you feel. If that doesn't work do what I do.. I turn my answering machine on and I dont bother with the phone unless its someone I want to talk to. This goes for family also. Sometimes you have to stand up and do what is right for you. Visit her, if she starts to harp say whelp time to go. This worked with my own mother and she stopped harping on me or she knew I would be out the door in under 5 minutes.

I still talk to her on the phone, I still do errands for her..once a week..it use to be every other day til I put my foot down about it. Especially with gas prices so high now. You can still do things for her when you feel its needed. Don't let anyone guilt you..your first obligation is now to your own children.

Answer 5

It' s quite unhappy how father and mom do no longer understand how lots they impression their young ones. This additionally can impression you as a individual once you become an person. i do no longer understand how I survived my youthful human beings. there have been many circumstances I felt hopeless and wanted to basically disappear. this would possibly not final continually, notwithstanding it looks like it. sooner or later you will turn 18 and characteristic the skill to stay on your man or woman. commence thinking approximately your destiny. i understand I hated midsection college through severe college, yet going to college and graduating is superb for survival. without it, a job could be perplexing to get. you in addition to mght ought to think of roughly scholarship courses while you're making plans on going to varsity. Plan forward for your self. i did no longer pass to varsity till after a on the same time as, it quite helps to discover a reliable paying pastime so which you do no longer conflict. Be money clever. you're important because of fact perhaps sooner or later you will have a relationship and young ones. I left my father and mom previous gloomy domicile the place I held very hurtful ideas. that may no longer your existence, you may make it so lots greater desirable. in simple terms understand it would not final continually, there is easy on the tip of the tunnel. stay at school what ever you do. end all of it. ; )

Answer 6

I think this all about power, and who has it, If you can turn you thinking around a bit, it will help. I would very much recommend Al Anon it is a group that helps you live with an alcoholic, You can get in touch with then they are in the phone book white pages. if not listed then phone A A they are in every phone book I have ever looked in. they will be able to advise you, as I said you may have to change you ideas a bit but honestly they can and do help thousands of people every day. best for you

Answer 7

if your mother is an alcohlic you can't help her an neither can your husband. like everyone else who is raised , there must come a time to let go. you have got to focus on your husband and children. most importantly your self, you stated now your in a depression. get it together girl and escape from your depression (mom) and hope your daughter isn't writing the same question in a few years.

Answer 8

You need to stop being co-dependent. You are responsible for your happiness and no one elses. Take your mother to an AA meeting and show her some tough love. Your husband (and children ,if you have any) need you to be strong. Your mother is an addict. She will take all you have if you let her because addicts don't know moderation.

Answer 9

Have you looked into alonon? http://www.alanon.org

It is an organization to support children of alcoholics. They might be able to help you.

My first instinct is to put yourself first. To explain to your mother that you cannot be responsible for her happiness and you hope that she will find help with her problems.

It sounds harsh but you have to let go of the things and people that bring you down. I think this organization may provide support for you to be able to do just that in a productive and positive manner.

Answer 10

I think it sounds like you have suffered long enough for her illness and dysfunctional ways of treating you. You have essentially given your life to your mother and she has shown her gratitude by insulting you and making you feel guilt and shame.

You need to assert yourself now. You are no longer a little girl and your mother never should have put you in the position of taking care of her. You are a grown woman now and you have a family who depends on you for love and emotional support. You can't be there for them if you emotionally scarred by your mother's continual abuse.

It is time to tell your mother that you have been there for her, you love her very much but you will no longer stand by and watch her destroy herself and mistreat you. You need to make it clear that you are not responsible for her feelings of unhappiness and she needs to seek professional help for her problems.

I would also suggest that you seek help for yourself. Your mother has emotionally and verbally abused you for years. That will ultimately affect your relationship with your children and your husband and it has already affected your self-esteem and sense of self worth. You need to begin to heal the emotion scars you have suffered at the hands of your very disturbed mother.

Do not allow her to make you feel guilty and do not come running to her aide when she calls you upset and needy. She is supposed to be your mother, supporting and loving you.

I am proud of your husband for wanting to stick up for you. It sounds like he is a good man and he loves you and wants to see you find some peace in your life....find comfort in those that truly love you....

Good luck....